Bipolar Bean

Moved

2008-11-10T11:01:00.001-08:00

I've moved! My new blog can be found at: beanspath.blogspot.com

Hobbies

2008-05-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

We bought a new video game for the Xbox. I thought I'd hate it and that only the three men in my house would play but I love it! It's Rock Band and I'm the drummer :) Something about it I really enjoy.

I want to paint with watercolors again but I'm so tired all the time. I need to just sit down and try it, preferably when I'm alone in the house. I hate trying something new or a new technique and have other people watch and comment. I know there's nothing negative that would be said, but it's just the way I am.

The other thing I want to do is cross stitch on the diagonal. My dad did a picture of a siamese cat on the diagonal years and years ago. Of course my mom doesn't have it anymore or the pattern, so I'm going to have to figure it out from scratch. Hopefully my boyfriend will be immersed in his hobbies so I can find more time for mine. He expects me to sit and talk when he's home. Ok, it's the routine we've both developed but sometimes it drives me nuts. Sometimes I just want to read, and I tell him that and try to read. But then he just keeps talking to me anyway. I end up putting the book down.

21 December 2012

2008-05-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

Is the world going to end in 2012? Someone at work was talking about seeing the Mayan calendar in person only to discover the last date on it was 21Dec2012. Why would the calendar end?

One theory is that the world will be in alignment with the sun, along with Saturn and Jupiter. When the sun goes through it's magnetic pole change (every eleven years, aparently) the gravitational pull will cause Earth to suffer. Such changes can already be seen in more frequent natural disasters. It's even possible that the Earth will change poles so that the North Pole will be the equater and vice versa. That would be odd. I have no idea if any of this is true, but it's interesting to think about.

Food

2008-05-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book right now - In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan - and it may explain why I'm chubby. It focuses on the idea that actual food is good for you and food product is not. Real food includes red meat, vegetables, butter, fruit, any other meat and liquid oil. Food product would be things that are made by manufacturers to resemble something you could eat, like Cheez Whiz, low-fat anything, low-carb anything and cereals. In order to make the food low-something they need to take away the 'bad' and replace it with chemical stuff. It is actually better for you to eat real stuff in moderate quantities than man-made stuff in tiny quantities. It involves actually preparing every single thing I eat.

The other issue the book discusses is nutrients. We need them, but we need them in the food they come in, not singled out and added to stuff. It's been proven over the last thirty years that we get fatter when we single out the nutrients and skip the whole food. Something to think about, anyway.

Faking it

2008-04-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

I found myself faking it yesterday. At work, especially. I didn't have enough sleep that night and was completely unable to care one bit about anyone or how they felt. Now I know that's not the way to get along with people so instead of being bitchy and snarking at everyone, I just faked it. I smiled and laughed when I knew there was a joke. I looked sad when appropriate. Mostly I just wanted everyone to go away.

One of the ways I know I'm Up or Down is the topic of marriage. When I'm Up I'd love to marry my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him. As soon as my thinking changes in the beginnings of a Down I start thinking how I want time alone. I don't want to be anchored to one person forever. I want a house all to myself. It's interesting that I am aware of my thoughts enough to think "oh, here comes an Up" before I feel the chemical change in my brain. Now I just need to learn how to not allow my negative Down-thoughts rule the day. I need to remember that a Down is not the time to make any huge decisions.

Change in attitude

2008-04-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

Depending on where I am in my cycle of Ups and Downs, my thinking changes. My boyfriend has been collecting photos of tall, thin women for drawing examples. On an Up I can see why he would do that and I don't take much offence at it. On a Down I was devastated that he would amass a collection of women so far from what I look like. I ended up getting very angry about it and ripping him apart. After I'd calmed down I realized I blew the whole thing out of proportion and forever altered our relationship.

I see pornography the same way, on an Up it's ok, even fun. On a Down I am envious and jealous and think all my boyfriend wants to see is other women. Same with kids, on an Up I think other people's kids are cute and loveable. I can look at them and admire them. On a Down I want them nowhere around me and become that horrible middle-aged mean woman who hates kids. They irritate me and I want to banish them from my existence. Except for my kids, I feel the same way about them no matter where in the cycle I am.

So why would my brain chemistry be so changed depending on where I am in my cycle? Has any research been done about how brain chemistry effects thinking and reasoning? Do any other people with Bipolar Disorder see such a marked difference in attitude and opinion based on how far Up or Down they are?

I realize how difficult it must be for those around me. It's hard to have friends when I go from feeling ok with something to vehemently against it the next day. And for my family, how nerve-wracking it must be to try to predict the mood I'm in and either bring up or hide specific topics.

I know all of this is indications of needing medication. But I don't want to give up the sharpness of my mind just yet. I tried lithium and it made me feel dull and emotionless. I tried the EMPowerplus but felt horribly nauseous. For now I will keep an eye on myself and be aware that I feel differently depending on my chemical levels in my brain. One thing for sure, it is an excellent indication of where I am in my cycle so I can see the big Up or Down coming.

Sleep

2008-04-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

I am so tired. I didn't sleep well again last night. I don't know why, but most likely stress. I tossed and turned for hours before finally falling asleep in time to be jolted awake by my alarm.

It's been this way definately since Daylight Savings and the clock change. Then I thought it was the sheets so I bought more cotton jersey sheets. I wore out the old ones and had put regular broadcloth on the bed. The new sheets helped for a day or two, but now I can't sleep again. Most of the day I feel ok, not too draggy-assed. But I get home from work exhausted and have nothing left for my boyfriend or kids. I hope tonight will be a better sleep.

Travel

2008-04-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a co-worker today who mentioned travelling after retirement. I told her I have no desire to see the world any more than I already have (really, that's not much). I find the idea of travel to be a hassle, packing everything, closing the house for the duration, getting to the destination, trying to enjoy everything with the panic that it'll be over soon. None of that sounds like fun to me. I can maybe see why some people would want a more worldly view, but bottom line, if I never travelled from this point on I don't think I'd feel like I missed much. I didn't like the sneering attitude from the worker though. Like it's wrong to not travel, wrong to want to work and wrong to be content where I am.

EMPowerPlus

2008-03-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'd been trying those EMPowerPlus vitamins as a way of controlling the Bipolar Disorder, but when I increased the dosage they made me sick :( So I stopped taking them completely and am now not on any medication at all.

This is the way I have been most of my life. Usually I'm able to control things enough not to make really stupid decisions or feel suicidal, so this is the way I'm going to be doing things for a while. I know my triggers, I know when an Up or Down is coming and I know how to get through them with minimal damage. I am adept at handling all this and have been all my life.

Keep in mind I've never been hospitalized because of mania and have never had any psychotic episodes. I'm not suicidal and never have been. I think I could define my Bipolar as 'light'. Irritating, yes, severe, no. At least I know I can get another psychiatrist appointment if I need one and S is very supportive about dealing with the Bipolar in a way that keeps me comfortable.

That was the biggest thing, the medications I tried actually decreased my quality of life. Now why would I want to do that? People try to tell me that I have to take medication and deal with the side effects. But why can't the Bipolar Disorder simply be a side effect of being me that I have to deal with instead?

Chocolate Bean

2008-03-21T10:29:00.001-07:00

I've managed to stay away from large amounts of chocolate lately....woooohoooo! Ok, I've been eating cookies, but only two a day and the odd mouthful of cake at work but not every day. But no chocolate bar or candy in the evenings!

I've dropped a little weight - down to 165 lbs. Not bad, but of course I was hoping for more :)

I had been lazy in using my Bowflex lately as well, sooooo tired after work and no time before work. I got back on it today and completed one of my routines. I felt very good at sweating and moving my body. I also dug out a yoga tape I had made for myself years ago. It's several episodes of the show Namaste. I used to be faithful in following a yoga program daily, but that fell away when I had to get a full time job because my ex left three years ago. The big thing about that is I followed the yoga with my boys in the house. When I first started yoga eight years ago I didn't tell a soul I was doing it. I was afraid of being ridiculed and then not having the confidence to do it anymore. So I waited until I was sure I would keep practicing yoga even if people made fun of me (they did, and I kept on). Even then I would only do it in an empty house or when the dayhome kids were napping. No one to watch or leer. So doing it with my boys in the house opened me up to the possibility of them scoffing and making fun. As it was, they didn't even come out of their rooms. At least I know I can do it with them in the house and I have the confidence to keep going no matter what they say. Not saying they would tease me, but I am super-over-ridiculously sensitive to even the most innocent of comments because of how I was raised.

I feel good when I exercise and feel like my body is healthy :)

Bipolar Budget

2008-03-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

I was re-adjusting the budget and explaining it to S, when he said "you are very bipolar with the budget aren't you". That statement took me by surprised and I actually felt a bit offended, until I saw he was right.

The way I've done the budget for the past, ummm, 18 years, was to figure out how much I wanted to spend in each catagory and budget that amount. I would then figure that if the incoming money came short of the outgoing money we would just find it 'somewhere'. Usually the money does appear, from overtime or comissions or GST rebates or whatever.

S's comment made me look hard at the actual numbers I was putting into Excel and I saw that the outgoing amounts were four hundred dollars more than the incoming! So I re-did the numbers to put smaller payments on the credit cards and other debt and now the incoming is a tad more than the outgoing. The sucky thing is at that pace it will take two years to pay off all of the debts, not including S's student loans. At least it's realistic now.

And, I wanted to buy a new couch soooooooooo badly, but then really heard my sons say their mattresses were crap. I sat on their beds and my butt was greeted with lumpy springs and sagging edges. So now any money not budgeting in (commissions, GST, overtime) will go into a savings account and the first thing we will buy will be two mattress/box spring sets for the boys. Then a couch :)

Sigh. I've been trying to get out of debt for 18 years. Hopefully I'm mature enough to have learned my lessons and will finally pay it off. Luckily, S feels the same way I do.

My huge goal is to build a house, but that won't happen until my boys move out. At least the rent here is cheap, it makes everything else easier.

End of debt

2008-02-28T14:26:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of owing money to credit cards and crap. I have owed money since around 1990 and none of it is 'good debt' like a house or investment loans. I don't own my house, I rent, and I want to build a house one day. First, I have to get out of debt.

As of right now S and I owe $20,555 and some change. When I met him I had debt left over from my marriage of about $5000, the rest is his. He also has student loans to pay off, it is not included in the above amount.

I made a deal with S after watching our spending for a year. We were putting $1500/month on the debts but only $500/month was being credited because we were spending $1000/month on the cards! I figured we would be lost without a firm goal in mind so we agreed that if we get the debt down to $14,000 by August of this year........we could buy a new couch! Now I know it's silly to accrue more debt as a reward, but I'm so sick of my ex-mother-in-law's couch in my house and I never seem to have the money to replace it. So. Knowing that the only way to get a new couch is to pay off a bunch of debt is quite the motivating factor for me. With S, well, he doesn't like debt, but I'm the one staring at the budget every month and arranging payments. Not that he doesn't help sometimes, but I prefer to do it all myself.

I can't wait for a new couch!

Chocolate Diary

2008-02-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

So, I must not have read what I typed the other day about chocolate. I indeed had a chocolate doughnut that evening with a couple of chocolate chip cookies. The day after I had just two chocolate cookies and a tiny bit of chocolate at work. Yesterday I had a teeny pinch of chocolate chunk at work and today I had a cookie and a bite of chocolate caramel cake at work. So I'm not completely off chocolate. I haven't had my evening candy though! I'm proud of myself for that. It is the most difficult to give up - I have been having an evening chocolate bar/candy for most of my adult life.

Stupidly, the chocolate I've been eating has been mostly unconscious. I don't realize what I'm doing until I'm chewing it already. I definately need to watch that. What else have I been putting in my mouth in the way of food without being aware of it, I wonder?

I can do this, I really can :) The panic is starting to subside, but it's still there.

Chocolate

2008-02-25T16:37:00.000-08:00

So. I've realized one of the reasons I've gained so much weight in the last year and a bit.

When my ex-husband left I lost about 10 pounds without even trying, then took off a bit more and got down to about 130 lbs. I was no longer living with constant worry and aggrivation so I didn't feel the need to eat chocolate so much. I also didn't have to worry about feeding him (he would frequently ask what was for dinner, and if he didn't like it, he wouldn't eat with the boys and me) so I would just make whatever I wanted to eat.

Enter S. My ex had been gone for a little over a year and I was just really getting used to living without another adult in the house. I remember the day - we were settling in to watch TV and I felt uncomfortable so I went and got some chocolate. Even though it made me feel a bit sick and icky to eat the whole thing I did anyway. I never addressed why I felt uncomfortable and instead went into the habit of eating chocolate every single night.

Now, I am a chocoholic. I have had chocolate in my life for as long as I can remember. I tell people that growing up my allowance was 50 cents and I would spend half on a comic book and half on a chocolate bar. As I got older I would buy more and more chocolate, eat it, feel guilty, eat more, feel powerless, eat more and feel hopeless. So the concept of daily chocolate intake was not unheard of to me.

The difference is, in the year I was separated with no significant other, I had no problem staying away from chocolate. I felt good about myself and could easily give it up. Now I have S and although I love him dearly, I eat chocolate every day, and it's difficult for me to get through the evening without M&Ms. Do you know how many calories are in those little bits of chocolate? Good lord I was shocked to discover I was eating an additional 600 calories a day just in chocolate.

This is all leading up to me saying out loud - well, typing for unknown masses to read - that I am going to give up my evening chocolate. I will do what I can to change my eating habits during the rest of the day (just make better choices, really) after I have a handle on the chocolate thing. For now, I'll change nothing else. I weigh about 170 lbs right now (yikes!) and if I'm right, getting rid of the chocolate alone should shed a fair bit of weight. The trick is going to be not replacing the chocolate with some other food. I've also taken to drinking tea most nights since S came into this house, with lots of milk and sugar. So I'll be cutting that out soon, too. But first I must tackle the Demon and it's name is Chocolate.

I'm starting to panic already.

Beautiful day and EMPowerplus

2008-02-20T17:06:00.001-08:00

Today was such a beautiful day :) The sun was out and warm on my skin and actual puddles were forming in the edges of the snow.

I went back to work today after being off for a week because my daddy died, and I was surprised at how dry the streets were. I live in northern Alberta, Canada and it's unusual to have dry pavement in February. It is usually still very cold and snowy. So the warm sun, dry dusty - actually dusty! - roads and damp smell of melting snow was a delight to be had. I needed to run some errands after work so I included washing my car first and stayed away from the edges of the road wherever possible so my car could stay shiny and clean for more than a day.

I think (ok, I know) that I bounced Up again. I didn't sleep at all last night. Well, maybe an hour or two - I forced myself to stay in bed and keep my eyes closed - but I was up frequently to pee and felt like I hadn't slept a wink. Then I went to work and was able to go into hyperspeed at some points without feeling tired. I left work feeling very energetic so I washed my car and did errands before coming home and working out on my Bowflex. After a shower I forced myself to sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Otherwise I was sure I'd crash later this evening. I may have had an hour's nap.

The Down was only just on Monday. The boys had it off school (Family Day) and I was still off work. S's SAD lamp came on and simulated sunrise, which just pissed me off. I was fully awake long before I felt like I should be. And I can't convince my brain that the fake sunlight is real, it knows and my body knows that it is fake and still wants the dark morning. So I tried to lay down in the living room listening to the loud hum of computers and my older son getting up to find a dvd. I went to the basement and sat on the Bowflex for about a half an hour to try to get myself less angry. It didn't work. I spent my day seriously irritated, and by the time S got off work I was falling helplessly into the Down. I sat on the couch and stared at the wall for over an hour and a half waiting for bedtime. I knew if I went to bed too early I'd be up waaaaay too early. I was not capable of conversation and resented the entire world for making me have to deal with it.

I thought that was just me grieving my daddy, but in light of today's good mood and lack of sleep, I'm thinking it's more to do with Bipolar. So this proves to me that the EMPowerplus vitamins aren't working as a medication alternative. Keeping in mind I'm supposed to take 15 capsules a day and have been taking 4. They are expensive. I can sympathize with people in the USA for having to pay for medication without coverage. Anyway, I'll up the dose to about 9 a day and see how that goes. I really want to avoid chemical medications, so I should make a better go at this then I have been.

Oh - and I saw actual grass today! Ok, dead, yellow grass, but grass nevertheless! I wonder if Mother Nature is just teasing me, will spring be early or are we in for a major snow dumpage and cold front?

My daddy

2008-02-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

My dad had surgery on O8Feb. I don't remember the name of the proceedure but it was to replace the arteries from the aorta all the way down to the femorals. The surgery was a success, for the first time in something like nine years he had good circulation to his hands and feet.

Twenty five years ago he suffered a major heart attack, permanently damaging the back and underside of his heart. During the surgery he appeared to have a heart attack but the anastesiologist thought he got it under control. There is an enzyme called troponin that measures the extent of damage to the heart after a heart attack. The troponin levels peak at some point and an assessment can be made as to the damage from the attack. My dad's troponin levels started to elevate immediately after the surgery indicating a heart attack. It must have been massive as the troponin levels continued to rise until his death on Wed 13Feb.

The doctor said the damage to the heart was so massive that if he actually lived through it he would need a heart transplant. But there was no possible way he would even get on the list as his entire vascular system was clogged or hardened from 50 years of smoking. So my mom decided to pull him off the life support he was on so he could die in peace. His heart beat for two and a half hours after the life support was removed, then he finally stopped breathing and let go.

My two sisters and my mom were with him right up until the end but I couldn't be there. I just didn't want to see him actually die. I had the opportunity to say goodbye before the surgery and after. I had some alone time with him before the life support was pulled and made sure to tell him that the very best of him is in me and will live on. My dad's only surviving relative other than us was his sister. She chose not to be there as well because she and my mom have never gotten along. Even when I did go into my dad's room after the life support was taken away I made a comment to my dad about his sister - that he would see her in eternity at some point. (My dad's sister raised him, she is eight years older and their parents were absent much of the time, so she was also a mother figure to him, they had an incredibly special and tight bond) My mom and sisters made rude comments then about how she won't be going to the same place as daddy, that she will go somewhere awful. They said this with my dad dying in the bed in the same room. Talk about no tact.

I feel very separate from my family at the moment. Daddy's favorite was me and he was mine. No surviving member of the family has called me to see if I'm ok, nobody has included me in any decisions to be made or preparations that need to happen. Nobody has asked me to help with anything.

My mom has threatened suicide as one way of dealing with all of this. Not to me personally, but to my older sister. I suspect that because both my sisters do not live in the same city as my mom and I that I will be the one expected to keep an eye on her. This is a burden I do not want. My mom has tried to kill herself thirteen times that I know of since 2001. I only ask that if she tries again she does it right. No suicidal gestures for attention or half-assed attempts. Enough. I don't have it in me to go through all that again. She was abusive to me when I was growing up. She didn't ever seem to really like me or love me no matter how much I tried to be lovable. No matter what I did it wasn't ever right or enough. I'm done. I don't do it anymore. And I don't want the responsibility of keeping her alive. Let it rest with my sisters.

Rest in peace daddy, I love you forever.

I am so glad this day is almost over...

2008-01-28T16:11:00.000-08:00

...last night in order to be ready for work I started my car at 10:30pm. My car wouldn't start so I plugged it in, luckily it started in the morning. When I got out to my car I realized the reason it wouldn't start was because S didn't completely turn it off when he moved it to shovel the driveway.

So, I drove to work in the horrible wind and new dumpage of snow (it was -40 C with the wind chill) very carefully. I turned into the road I usually take around the corner from work and promptly got stuck. It took a half an hour of holding on my cell to get a representative from AMA to tell me it would be two or three hours to get a winch truck. I asked if I can leave my car and return to it when the AMA truck appears, they said yes and they'd call me on my cell when the truck is there. So I called S and asked him to pick me up, drive me to work, wait for me, drive me to my car and make sure I parked it ok at work. Amazingly, he said no problem. I hung up and burst into tears. Cried big heaving sobs for a while and calmed down by the time S arrived. I went to work and did as much as possible while waiting for the phone to ring. As soon as it did I told the driver I would be there in five minutes as I'm at work just around the corner. He said he may not be able to wait. I told him just five minutes - literally - and was there is four minutes. By then the driver had left. I knew there was an AMA outlet near work and asked S to drive me there to see about getting a truck from there, after turning three corners I saw the flashing orange lights of an AMA truck and we went towards them. I hopped out of the car to find out they were servicing another car, not mine. I asked the driver when my truck would be there, it turns out he had the order wrong and as soon as he finished with that car he went to my car. He pulled me out successfully.....as S stayed in his car to make sure everything went ok. Then S got stuck. The driver refused to help S as he was at least four hours backed up in calls. So I got back to work all right and found out later that a passing truck helped S out of the snowmound using a tow rope. S also made it to work ok.

That was about the absolute limit of my capabilities in dealing with stress. I had been holding it together for the last few days and that was it. I don't cry. I'm not a crier. And there I was sitting in my car bawling first thing in the morning.

Now, what precipitated this was last Wednesday my younger son had stomachache and stayed home from school. When I got off work I asked him how he felt and he said ok, but the pain moved to the lower right part of the abdomen. Well now I suspected that was appendicitis. Off to the emergency room we went and sat for hours to find out that I was right, it was appendicitis. And just to complicate things, the emergency room we went to no longer handles pediatric surgery so we had to drive to a different hospital and go through the whole thing again. By 1:30 am we were shown to a room where we spent the night awaiting surgery first thing in the morning.

We were told about three times between 6:30 am and 10:45 am that he would be going to surgery "within the hour". He finally went at 11 am. He was back to his room by 1 pm and looking good. He was eating solid food, peeing, drinking and passing gas all by 7 pm. The next morning the surgeon came by and said he could leave Saturday. My son was going bonkers from no rest in the hospital and boredom (although the tv was free, normally you pay but not in pediatrics) so when the surgeon came back in mid afternoon I asked if he could go home early. The surgeon was reluctant, but let him go. My son had his clothes on and was leaving the ward before I had the papers signed. Since then he's done very well and is healing quickly.

So the Saturday I left my younger son with S while I took my older son to his Robotics competition. They made robots out of Lego and had to perform tasks with it, the finalist was to go to Atlanta, Georgia for the World's. His team didn't win the big prize but they were pleased with their results. That took all stinking day. No rest for me.

On top of all of this is my dad. He is having surgery on 08Feb to replace his femoral arteries as they are blocked (his carotids are blocked as well - completely - and his body built 'collaterals' to keep the blood flowing). He has a 50% chance of dying on the table during the surgery, but if he doesn't have it he will lose his feet.

My older sister is stressing that he could die and that I need to tell him I love him and all that. I see her reasoning, but I'm not going to think that way. If he dies I will deal with it, but I would rather focus on him living. So, lots of stress there.

After work my car decided not to start again. I started it three hours earlier and it was ok, but now it wouldn't start. A boost didn't help at all so I got an extention cord and plugged it in for almost an hour. I managed to get the car started (barely) and I think I may have almost flooded the engine, but I got home.

Now I've had a hot shower and changed into clean, warm clothes. I feel better, and I hope tomorrow is a lot better.

Fat and Cheek Hugs

2008-01-04T14:13:00.000-08:00

It's a new year and I've been using my new Bowflex for almost two weeks. I weighed myself to find ------------- I'm bigger than I ever have been! I weigh 169 lbs and I'm only 4'11"!!!! What the Hell is going on there!?!? This explains why the band of my bra has been digging in, why my jeans feel too tight, why my undies feel like they are strangling me. The only time I have been fatter than this is when I gave birth to my oldest son, I was 174 lbs. Fattest non-pregnant weight besides today was 164 lbs and it was seven months after my first pregnancy.

Ok, I've been bored and eating a lot of junk. Bored and uncomfortable. I was fully rested after four days away from work and didn't feel like I needed any more time off. Now I have another week to go before work starts up again. Part of the reason for boredom, I think, is that I like to feel useful or important and right now I feel a bit useless and cast adrift. I don't really have any hobbies, except reading and tv, and don't know what I'd like to learn. I don't have a lot of disposable income to just buy something to try either. I think if I had a plan I'd've felt better. During my week off in the summer I painted the boys' bedrooms to keep busy and it worked, I felt rested but active. I would paint now but I live in northern Alberta and it's too cold outside for paint to properly stick to inside walls in the winter. Or at least, that's why my mom didn't ever paint in the winter.

There was a comment on my blog about painting for boredom relief and when I went to her blog she said she's a photography buff. I like taking pictures, maybe I should just grab my digital camera and go for a walk while the weather's not bad (It can get to -35 C here and I don't know if it would be good to freeze the camera by taking it outside). Hmmmmmmm. Definately worth a try.

Anyway, I digress. Or, I avoid talking about why I'm increasing my size. Whichever.

When I met S a year and a half ago I was only 132 lbs, so I've put on 37 freaking pounds in that time. Part of it is because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my ex so I worry all the time about stuff. Part of it is because I don't really know who I am enough to be someone different than S's girlfriend when he's around. Part of it is because I have this twisted idea that I have to be who S wants me to be, not who I actually am (that comes from having a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder - I always had to be who she needed me to be. I don't remember having an identity until my marriage broke up three years ago. I was always the person someone else needed me to be. I grew up with only private interests, never pursued them for fear of ridicule and being someone other than the image the person needed to see. If I had interests then I would start to become my own person and that was too scary). Part of it is also really bad eating habits. Before S moved in I was eating when I was hungry - frequently having dinner at 4:30 pm when the boys and I were hungry. Now I wait until 6:30 pm for S to get home, in the meantime I starve myself to make sure I'm hungry for dinner, then gorge myself and go to bed shortly after.

So, the biggest changes I'm going to make are no longer waiting for S to be home on weekdays to eat dinner. That way I'm eating when I'm hungry so I don't overdo it (remember, my day starts at 5 am at work, so dinner at 4:30 pm isn't too odd). And I will cultivate a new interest or two. I do like photography and I have a camera, no excuses there. I have already taken up yoga again (I loved it for a while but gave it up when my marriage dissolved) and I've been playing with watercolor pencils in an effort to renew my interest in drawing and art. So wish me luck! Only good luck please :)

On another note, my youngest gave me a hug today and did something he hasn't done for such a long time. He gave me a cheek hug :) This is where he's hugging me and presses his cheek against mine and holds it there for a while, moving a bit to find the right spot on my cheek with his cheek. I'd forgotten about these hugs as he hasn't given me one for such a long time. Nothing like a cheek hug to make my day :)

The Gathering and New Year's

2008-01-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

Be still my beating heart - Christmas with my family went reasonably smoothly :)

I was tense walking into it, but reminded myself that I'm an adult and can leave when it suits me to do so. My boys and S were ok with not going at all, so I knew that the evening would be my call about staying or not. The other thing I remembered was that these people were used to me being the me that I always was and they won't accept a different me right away.

My younger sister didn't make it, she went home with sinusitis and bronchitis so as not to infect my dad. Apparently, my dad told her to go home if she's contagious because his health simply can't be compromised. I honestly can't see my dad saying that to her at all. But if I need others to accept that I am different, then I must accept that others are different. I did watch my mom and dad, my mom seems to be doing better with mental stability, but she has a project now - my dad.

My dad is a man who always denied he was sick in any way, didn't take sick days from work or allow himself to be whiny about any sickness. I have modeled myself after him, I don't take sick days from work and am rarely ill. I have one major flu/cold about every five years and a stomach flu about once a decade. If I am cut I heal fast but bruises take an eternity to leave.

My dad is much more outspoken about what he wants, he was the one to say to the group that it's time he went home as he's tired. I don't think he'd ever done that before, always relied on my mom to be the one to decide when the Gathering is done. My mom was just as she used to be - picking fights with my Aunt. Luckily, my Aunt didn't rise to the bait, she would just be firm and end the line of argument early rather than carry it on. I didn't speak much to my older sister during the Gathering. I didn't really have much to say and we are so very different.

I also didn't rise to the bait when it was thrown at me by my mom (eg - my sister asked my mom if my boys opened their gifts, my mom said "I don't know, they didn't say thank you or anything" in her dramatic 'poor me' voice. I put my head down and pretended not to hear, when in previous years I would have tried not to roll my eyes as I tell my boys to say thank you. When I didn't make any response to my mom's comment, I saw my mom look at my sister, who then told my boys she didn't hear a 'thank you'. My older son just looked at her and with absolute certainty said "I already said thank you" and my younger son didn't acknowledge that she even spoke). As much as I believe in thanking people and raising good, courteous children, they are 13 and 11 and long past the age where I control what they say. I could have nudged my youngest and demanded a thank you but it's not his way. He will thank those who he feels deserve it (something like they have to treat him well whenever they see him, not just give a gift because the occasion demands it and expect gratitude), he has flattered several waitresses by saying they have nice hair or a nice voice, he's expressed thanks at cashiers for getting a bag for him. I know he's capable of gratitude, but he seems to have an internal gauge for when it's best expressed.

I did see my older sister before she flew back home. I wasn't planning on it as I've felt overwhelmed and she is a bit....selfish? Demanding? Self-centered? Unkind? Anyway, I didn't want the drain on my energy this year but gave in anyway and saw her the other day. That went well too! Again, I was surprised. She did as she does and picked a topic like my abrasiveness and went on about it far longer than necessary. She told me she's learning how to accept that her feelings are her own and others are not responsible for making her feel a certain way (she used to think if she feels bad, it's up to you to make her feel better. I gave that up years ago). So I told her I was learning to be less abrasive. That stopped her for a while.

For New Year's I spent it with my three guys. I didn't like it as much as it's a marker for how few friends I have. New Year's snuck up on me and I made no plans, nor was I invited anywhere. I would love to dress up in a fancy dress and do something, but I never have. Partly because I've never been invited to, and partly because I don't know of any events where I could dress like that. My ex would not have liked to go to something like that (well, I wouldn't have liked to spend the time with him, maybe if there were other couples. But we had no couple friends) and I think S would if I asked. So maybe next year we'll go to a dinner theater or something. This year the boys played World of Warcraft until after midnight and S and I sat and talked. Not bad, but we do that every night and I'd like New Year's to be a bit more special.

Book Review - In Her Absence by Antonio Munoz Molina

2008-01-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

When I picked up this book on the Holds shelf at my branch of the library I almost missed it. I had to indulge in a minor expedition of the row to find the little slip of paper that bears the last four digits of my card mumber and the last four letters of my name peeking out from the pages of the book. I was surprised at how slim the book was, and by how little the book was. It's smaller than a hardcover but larger than a paperback. With only 134 little pages of big print I figured it would take me no time at all to finish it, but I found myself stopping to let the imagery sink in and take hold before moving to the next bit of information that the author doled out.

The book describes the unravelling of a marriage, through the man's eyes. How he does everything to please her, tries to understand her world and downplays his own listless world so as not to bore her. How, even though they are so different, they marry with her never really loving him in the same manner he loves her. How it is possible to live with someone who is a stranger in the details.

I enjoyed this book very much. The author was able to call up imagery in his words so my attention was never diverted. So the constant noise in my head was kept at bay as each word was read.

Bored

2007-12-28T15:38:00.000-08:00

I am so bored. Bored bored bored boredboredboredbored. I was so happy yesterday when S came home from work - at last, someone to talk to! But he was tired and the conversation stilted, so bedtime came quick. Now here I am facing hours of awake time left and I have nothing to do. My book isn't very good (Letter From Point Clear by Dennis McFarland) and I just can't seem to get absorbed in it at all. I could play with my watercolor pencils, but I feel like there is no inspriation. No good tv shows on. No good movies coming on. I am restless and bored.

I only have one friend I could call.....but she's at work. I used to have another friend, but something happened that I can't really define and we haven't spoken since summer.

I could use the new Bowflex we bought. But I would just wind up sitting on it staring at the ceiling. I've taken up yoga again, but feel equally unmotivated for it right now.

I'm not sad at all or overly happy. I'm not angry or irritable. Just restless. Like I'm waiting for something so there's no point in starting anything, you know?

The sucky thing is that I have about two more weeks of this. I work in a commercial bakery and we don't work for the week between Christmas and New Year's. Then we have two weeks of Shutdown to contend with. This is a time when major maintenance will be done, extensive cleaning and whatever. I'm due back at work on Fri 11Jan08, but possibly earlier if the freezers run too low of supply of our wonderful cakes. The plant shuts down, but not sales.

Have I gone and made my job the biggest part of my life?!? Eeeeek! I've always frowned upon those people and now I'm uncovering the uncomfortable fact that I am one. Ew. For the last year I've been on lithium and I felt like I was in such a fog that I was unable to even think about what I like and don't like, much less take up a hobby. During this last year I felt like I was disappearing as a person and felt the need to find some way of defining myself other that to say 'medicated'.

I stopped taking the lithium early this month (weaned off of it, not suddenly stopped it) and I feel very much...even. I am still mourning the death of little T but not over-the-edge depressed. I'm still stressed about The Gathering, but it's at a minimum for now. I've decided to go and pretend it's not even my family. That these people don't know me so I can choose what to show them. And if they try to prejudge me or my behaviour, I can decide to accept that or let them know different. Whatever. It will be what it is and I will do my best to go with good intentions.

I have a bottle of Epival on my nightstand waiting to be ingested, one pill at a time. I don't want to take it because right now I feel normal. And I really don't like the possible side effects of bedwetting and hair loss. I have discussed it with S and he is on alert as well to see if my moods take a dangerous swing. I have always readily accepted my moods - dark and light - and now that I have a name for it I can see myself accepting the need for medication if necessary. The only reason I took lithium is because the psychiartist said so and I generally follow medical practitioner's advice. Until recently, that it :) Now I question why is it needed? Why this one? What makes the pdoc think this will work best for me? If the pdoc can't answer these questions except to say "take your meds" then I'm not enthusiastic about taking them. Remember dear readers, I'm not ever suicidal or so manic as to be taken to the hospital. I'm only ever paralytic for an hour, depressed for a day, flying high for a day or two, cycling usually in a week. Except lately I've been steady and deceptively normal. And restless.

Christmas and the Gathering

2007-12-27T12:15:00.001-08:00

Christmas Day with the four of us was the best I've ever had :) Everyone liked their gifts, there was no fighting or 'cooped up' behaviour and no stress over meals. It was easy, relaxed, fun, enjoyable and peaceful. I have always wished for Christmas to be like that and now I've finally had it - after 36 failed attempts :) Actually, that's not fair, when I was a child I had no control over my environment and had to go with the flow, but I seem to remember never feeling comfortable. This year I finally felt comfortable and at ease. I would like next year to be the same, if it's not too much trouble for the Karma Gods :)

I don't know if I want to go to my family gathering on Saturday. I was thanked by my sister for saying I would be on my best behaviour, and insulted by the thanks. I mean really, how old am I? Five? Do I need to actually say to people that I'll be on my best behaviour? I don't recall anyone ever asking my older sister to be less mean, or my mom to be less attention-grabbing, why did I have to be asked to be 'good'? Besides....what they don't seem to know or acknowledge is that I've always been on my best behaviour at family gatherings.

I read my older sister's blog and saw she was shopping all day with my younger sister. Both of them are in town and neither has contacted me at all. Now, I don't really expect them to, but I still feel very left out anyway. I have the clear impression that I'm not wanted at the gathering, that not many of them like me or want to spend the time with me, it's just an obligation thing.

S and the boys have already said they don't want to go. My older son asked if the gifts could just be mailed to him as he doesn't want to see anyone. S has said he will go and support me no matter what, but he would prefer not to go. So the decision rests with me. Do I go and try to have a good time and enjoy the company of the two people I'd like to see (my aunt and dad), or do I stay away and avoid any potential stress and hope my dad lives long enough for me to see him?

The Gathering Approaches

2007-12-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas will be here tomorrow and I am ready! For my immediate family, anyway. I am anticipating a good day tomorrow with my boyfriend S and my two MITs (Men In Training), aka my boys. I think the gifts that were chosen will go over well and they will be pleased.

On Saturday is my extended family gathering. We will have my mom (with Borderline Personality Disorder) and my dad (we just found out his carotid arteries are 100% blocked (yes, really) and his body developed 'collaterals' to keep the blood flowing. Stress can cause a chunk to break free and kill my dad. His femoral arteries are also blocked but I don't know how much. He is facing the possiblity of amputating the feet. The blockage could break free for no reason as well as stress). There will be my dad's sister (a psychologist by training but in her seventies. She's had a hard life but has persevered) as well. My older sister will be there (she has stage four breast cancer that's spread to her bones. She's on mucho pain medication and opiates. She also seems to think the world should cater to how she feels emotionally) and my younger sister (she believes she has Asperber's Syndrome, but I don't recall her being formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist and sees a family doctor for her needs. She said outright in an email that we should all try to change each other.) with her husband (not much to say on him) and 13 year old daughter (who is raising her mother) and her daughter's best friend. My S and boys will be there as well.

Now, let's take that group and make the gathering fun. My mom is trepiditious because I exploded last year saying I wasn't listened to. I have no intention of exploding now. Evidently, her psychologist has suggested we have a discussion circle to get to know each other where questions can be asked and we can each answer. My older sister took this idea and added rules to it. No offensive behaviour, no belittling, don't interrupt, be honest. Some of her rules are obvious and don't really need stating - of course we should be on our best behaviour. The problem arises when my older sister started fine tuning what kind of behaviour could not be exhibited. The kind of behaviour that makes me the person I am. So I took offense at that. If she doesn't like me (I know she loves me, she's my sister, but she doesn't like me as a human being) why should I have to change who I am to get her to like me?

Oh my good God, the gathering approaches.

Mourning a little angel

2007-12-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

I have been dealing with the death of a little girl I used to look after. She had just turned 10 last month and was in an accident with her mom, who is still my hairdresser. The mom suffered some injuries but the daughter died about a week after the accident because of her injuries.

This little girl was my first ever child to look after. I had her from about five months old to preschool age and adored her. She was my favorite of all the children that passed through my house. I still talk about her with fondness and talk about her mother as being the best mom I'd ever encountered. She is firm with her children, but loving. She puts restrictions on their lives but only because she loves them so dearly. She didn't ever give in after saying 'no', she had never been afraid of losing her children's friendships because after all, she is their mom not friend. She allowed them to develop who they are but retain a strong moral compass.

During the memorial I wanted to stand up and say something, but saw in an instant that the rest of this gathering doesn't need to hear me prattle on. I did get a chance to hug the mom and tell her I held her in such high regard as a parent, and that her daughter was well loved by her and well cared for, she had a good ten years here with us. I told her how her daughter was my favorite and always will be, and that now there is an angel whose name we know.

Although I am sad and feel like crying at inappropriate times, I'm not plunging into the depths of depression. I think my reactions are normal. Or as normal as I can be, I suppose. I do think of this as a test of my fortitude in dealing with Bipolar Disorder without any medication. Well, this combined with Christmas.

Christmas is coming like a speeding train

2007-12-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

So, my sister that hasn't spoken to me in almost a year did indeed answer an email I sent out - hopefully a good sign. I asked her if she's ok with the idea that all of us are getting together for a gathering (nobody really asked me if it was ok so I didn't know if they asked her if it was ok to be there with me). She's fine with it. She was acting as if there was never any problem. I had momentarily forgotten that my family deals with things this way. We pretend all is good and hide our resentments and anger. We stuff all those icky feelings way deep down and put food on top of it.

So a family gathering is approaching with Christmas. I had originally discussed it with S and said that it's better I opt out of any kind of arranging. I tend to pick up the ball when it's been dropped, or looks like it'll be dropped, or is being held by someone else. I started to get a bit excited about the gathering and realized I could have control (oh yeah, I'm a bit control-freaky sometimes) and have the event the way I wanted it. Most everyone else was washing their hands of planning so I could do all of it. I was planning the meal in my head and how to seat everyone in my kitchen. I had arranged when the gift opening would be and where board games would be played. Then I talked to my older sister on the phone. She started with the 'suggestions' (she's also control-freaky) and wouldn't let up on what was important to her. She didn't really seem to hear me when I shot the ideas down, it is my gathering after all. I left the conversation in a bad mood and felt the Down coming.

It took me until today at work to realize that the Down is from the inevitable stress of planning anything to do with my family. It would be great if their ideas were merely ideas and not expectations, it would be easy if people were grateful instead of critical and it would be fantastic if the only words in the house were positive and supportive instead of negative and nasty. I quickly figured out that if I continue on this path I will be beaten down and exhausted from all of it. I would spend the next two weeks trying to please every person and attempt to facilitate everyone's expectations.

So today after work I sent off an email saying all I need to know is the date, time, what to bring and whether or not to be hungry. I just checked my email and one sister has already responded with ideas about what to eat. It took a remarkable amount of self-control to not respond and give my 'suggestions'. I need to remember to butt the hell out and just show up at the designated time.

Oh my, oh my, Christmas is coming.

Saw a psychiatrist

2007-12-04T15:17:00.000-08:00

I finally got in to see a psychiatrist last week and it didn't go very well. She was late, which irritates me to no end but I do understand emergencies come up. Then part of the way into the appointment she started looking for something. I stopped talking mid-sentance, which she didn't notice, then asked her what she'd lost. Her wallet, apparently. She actually left the room to go looking for it. Good heavens. She didn't find it and decided to keep on with the appointment. Oh lucky me.

Then she noticed the name of the psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder and was in awe. He is quite famous to her I suppose. I didn't much like the first psychiatrist just because he announced I have BD and sent prescriptions to my family doctor, who is more of a OB/GYN than anything else. How is my family doctor supposed to manage BD? She put me on lithium but had no follow up at all. I was the one requesting bloodwork and asking about the odd side effects.

Anyway, this new psychiatrist is weaning me off of lithium and wants me on Epival. One of the side effects is....depression. Now why would I want to be depressed all the time? I had enough of that with lithium. She did inform me that an anti-depressant may be what's needed, but I'm thinking we should find a medicine we both find acceptable. Now that I don't have so much lithium clogging up my brain I intend on researching some of the medications to see what's available for rapid-cycling and compare what the side effects are. I mean, Epival can cause hair loss and bedwetting. Why would I willingly take that?

What I really want to do is try to manage the BD on my own, without pills. I have been managing it since I was around 12 and doing a pretty good job of it. I have never been hospitalized for manic and I have never felt or been suicidal at all. I suspect I have a very mild form of BD and I want to really look inside my own head to see how bad it really is. I don't like a stranger - doctor or otherwise - telling me how I am without listening to me try to explain the way it feels. Both psychiatrists appeared to have a list of questions to ask and were unwilling to listen to information other than what they asked for. Frustrating.

The only reason I wanted to see a psychiatrist originally was because I noticed the mood swings get a bit out of hand. I was depressed more and having a difficult time trying to stay on a relatively even keel. Now I think it was probably S moving in and me feeling like I needed to change my routines and rhythms. Also, S found that his depression pills worked like magic and he kept gently letting me know that they worked for him, maybe there is a pill for me.

One of my favorite quotes from Emo Phillips: "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."

Christmas is Coming

2007-11-25T08:15:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming. You'd think this would be a joyous time of year, full of warmth, understanding, tenderness and overall good will. That's what I've been wanting all my life. Instead I was put in a family of very strong willed, opinionated women. Oh yeah, that includes me. This year I decided to avoid all stress and keep the f**k out of all planning. You see, in my family, we don't plan events as much as we tell everyone else what we want and then fight to get it. Nobody listens to what another wants unless it is close enough to her own wants. And very few of us cede any territory to make it easier. That was me, cedeing whatever territory it took to stop the fighting. So this year I realized it was just too much stress and removed myself.

Fast forward a bit to the last time we were together (minus my two sisters), my son's birthday party. The conversation turned to Christmas and I was able to pretty much stay out of it. Dinner ordered in? Sure, great. Dinner at a buffet-style restaurant? Sure whatever. No dinner? I'm ok with that. And then games came up. Oh how I love board games! But I like to read and understand the rules first before changing them. I don't think that's unreasonable, just different. So we started arguing over which games to play and who would read the rules and whatever. I suggested that each family brings one game and we all make a good attempt at playing it. The idea was received well. Until my sister was informed.

My sister called me and I thought it would be a good idea to just let her know what was said and talked about. Aside from the fact that she interrupted me during every sentance I said, she also attacked me, saying "we ALL get control freaky under stress" and "YOU are rigid in not allowing the rules of games to be changed". She also brought up old crap from last year that I had thought was dealt with. And I learned that it is extremely difficult to throw away thirty seven years of conditioning and take on new attitudes. Instead of holding my ground I took the bait and ate it vigorously. By the time I saw that I was arguing with her about things I really don't want to care about, she had me right where she wanted me. Angry, upset, rigid, unbending, demanding. Oh man was I mad at myself for falling into old habits.

So I have re-affirmed to myself that whenever Christmas plans come up in emails or conversations, I'll remember to give no preference. Bottom line here is I don't even want to be with my family for Christmas. I'd much rather pretend I live in Australia and didn't come back for a visit. But I will give it a chance. Maybe it will go ok.

Some additional background: my sister that phoned me has breast cancer that's moved to her bones. So the underlying current with her is to be kind and gentle as she will die soon (She's in her late 30's). Can't piss her off or be mean to her, oh no, that's not acceptable. Because she's dying I have to pretend to like her even though the person she's always been is abrasive, self-centered, aloof, unforgiving, mean, grouchy, self-righteous and unkind. The narcotics she's taking to ease the pain have made her babbly and happier, but the underlying bitch is still there. It is very hard to be consistantly kind to someone who is malicious and mean, and knows where all of my weak spots are so she can attack at any time.

My other sister is my younger sister and we haven't spoken since last Christmas. This is because I had a huge outburst at the family gathering about how I don't like the way I'm treated by my family. I ended up yelling directly at her in front of her preteen daughter and husband. During the outburst I did apologize, saying I don't know any other way to say all of this so listen to what I'm saying not how I'm saying it. About a month later I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. By this time my younger sister was demanding an apology out of me for puting her daughter through such stress. I chose this to be my sticking point. I said I'd already apologized that night and if that's not good enough for her that's not my problem. So we haven't spoken in a year and people are expecting us to all get together for Christmas.

Oh, and my younger sister does have some kind of mental illness, she believes it to be Ashberger's, but I refuse to believe that until she's actually been diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

And my mom has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Merry Christmas.

Side Effects

2007-11-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

I was getting some weird side effects from lithium, like dizziness, rundown tired feeling and mild visual hallucinations. Or at least, I thought these were side effects. The doctor ordered normal bloodwork to be done (after I'd told her it was spring since the last time my lithium levels were checked) and discovered I'm anemic. We had the blood test repeated just to make sure, but the hemglobin levels were at 106 instead of 120. Now I take lovely little iron pills twice a day and those side effects have just disappeared :)

The energy from these pills was instant - I just couldn't believe it! I hate that I have to take pills for it instead of just adjust my diet, but if they work then that's good. I don't know what caused the iron to get so low in my blood, probably a combination of stress and poor diet. I used to have down time to myself every day to recharge a bit, but I haven't had that in almost a year. Maybe a day or an hour here and there but definately not on a regular basis.

The lithium seems to be working. My moods aren't as severe any more or as quick-changing. I've been keeping track of my moods, diet, sleep and stress for a while now and will have it printed up in chart form for the psychiatrist at the end of the month. I have S to thank for that, there were many days I couldn't be bothered to write anything down and he helped me keep it going.

Book Review - The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

2007-11-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

I just finished this book and was amazed at how good it was! I don't normally read romance or love story stuff but this had such a twist that it held my attention throughout. You see, Henry meets Clare when he is 28 and she is 20, but she has known him since she was 6! He travels through time purely against his will and ends up seeing Clare throughout her childhood. But when they meet in real time for the first time he has no idea who she is. The story jumps from time period to time period, location to location, but is very easy to follow and intriguing to see the story develop. To watch the love grow between these two people is endearing without being too mushy or sappy. I was even angry at the author for certain parts near the end, but that's part of what makes a good book to me.

This book followed me before I read it as well. I was in Chapters waiting for S to finish in the SciFi section when I saw this book lying on a table. I opened it and read the first several pages before we had to go. The story line caught my attention, but I kept thinking "time travel, seriously?" and didn't look for the book again. Then I flipped open a magazine and the book review was this book! Ok, then I thought about the plot line again and wondered if the author could make it interesting without being too 'out there'. So I thought it was high time to read it and see for myself. Excellent book, I highly recommend it.

Finally - a psychiatrist!

2007-10-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

Finally - a psychiatrist's appointment! When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder the psychiatrist made it clear that it was a one time only appointment and I would have to go back to my doctor for a different referral. I was on an Up at the time and didn't care, thought the meds would take care of everything. Well, now I find the lithium isn't working and I don't know what to try next. I don't like the idea of hopping from pill to pill but I have to find something that actually works.

I've been keeping a mood chart with S so I will have it all charted and printed out for when I go to the psychiartrist. It will be interesting to see my moods on a chart, to see if they are the same was what I see in my head.

Maybe this psychiatrist will monitor me a bit more closely and keep track of when it's time to have bloodwork done. Right now I'm the one who has to ask for it.

The Bipolar Information Sessions aren't as interesting. The one on medication was extremely informative, but other than that I haven't really gotten that much from it. I don't feel like I belong there either. These people talk about missing work or going on disability because of Bipolar Disorder. I just can't imagine that. I have always been able to manage it well enough that I don't need to disrupt the outside world much. Maybe my BD is not as bad? Maybe I'm better at handling it? Maybe the rapid-cycling makes it easier to deal with?

Book Review - On Chesil Beach by Ian MacEwan

2007-10-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

I read this tiny little book very quickly and found it quite frustrating. It's well enough written and all, the book is about a newlywed couple on their wedding night at Chesil Beach. The frustrating part is that neither character in the book was really communicating with the other, so assumptions were made and reacted upon. In real life I have a man that I communicate with so we know where the other is standing at all times. How annoying to read about a couple that doesn't talk about the things that matter.

It did surprise me to realize that there are still people out there that don't talk about big issues or little annoyances. That used to be me in my 'practice marriage' and now I don't see the point in wasting time by guessing how someone feels, now I just ask.

Book review - Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself

2007-10-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

I finished the book Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself by Alan Alda and was very happy with it. All I knew about Alan Alda's life is that he was on M*A*S*H for so long. I had no idea he did a scientific show or was a guest speaker at many events. The book focused on his speeches that he gave and why he gave them and how he came to say what he said. It was a facintating look into the life of Alan Alda, or at least, a peek into one corner of his world. The book told me a lot about him and how he thought, which is something I find interesting.

One major item that I held from the book had nothing to do with speeches or public speaking. It was that the Equal Rights Amendment was never ratified in the United States. This means that women are not equal to men there. Women can vote...but that can be taken away at any time. Women have the same health care...for now. Why did the country allow for this? Why don't they think of their citizens as equals? I'm from Canada and we are all equal here. It is absolutely inconceivable to me that I would be thought of as less of a person simply because I am a woman. In my mind, the US should correct this mistake immediately. We are all equal to one another, we are all human.

Bipolar Support Group - first meeting

2007-10-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

I went to my first of ten Bipolar Support Group meetings last night. The information was ok, nothing I didn't already know, but maybe the rest will have something new for me. What disappointed me was the idea that yet again, I am invisible in groups. Every group I've ever attended I've been invisible. No one hears me talk or sees my hand raised. It must be something I'm doing but I don't know how to fix it. What I've done in the past is to be a bit more forceful with each session until people stop ignoring me. Unfortunately this comes across as bitchy sometimes and I don't end up with any friendships at all. So next meeting I'll sit more in the middle and be a bit louder or catch a pause when someone is talking so I don't appear to talk over others.

What upset me as well was the fact that S was able to easily say what he wanted to say. People stopped and turned to him and listened. At the end of it as we were preparing to leave, I took a moment to use the washroom. When I came back, S had people around him asking for his insight into Bipolar Disorder. For the record, he doesn't have BD. So not only do people seem to not see me, they see S clearly. I know I should feel happy for him, but I don't. I'm envious.

Every group I've ever been to I've wished for some connection with the people there. Maybe even make a friend or have someone interested in me or my life. I've wished that I could feel like I belonged or was a part of something. Every time, every single time, I have had my hopes crushed. So this time I thought I was going into this meeting with the idea that I'm only there for information. And it wasn't until people talked over me and looked away when I tried to give input, that I realized that I was still looking to fit in. I will do my best to remember in the future not to even bother trying. Since I already know I will fail, based on previous experience, there really isn't any point in thinking someone would actually want to be around me.

Book Review - The Memory Keeper's Daughter

2007-09-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

One of my long-standing favorite hobbies has been reading. I have read a wide range of books in my day from SciFi/Fantasy to Horror, autobiographies to mysteries. Right now I'm reading mostly general fiction with a bit of non-fiction thrown in.

I just finished The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. This fictional story begins in 1964 with Dr Henry being forced to deliver his own twins. Seeing that the girl twin has Down's Syndrome he gives the child to the nurse to take to an institution and tells no one of his decision. Instead he tells his wife the baby girl died at birth and does his best to live with the choice he made.

The novel is exquisitely written. The imagery is intense throughout, causing my usually noisy mind to stop and quiet down to hear what I read. I loved how each sentence drew me in, keeping my attention and making it so I didn't want to put the book down. I enjoyed how the author told the story from different character's points of view, giving each one dimension. That way I felt like I was reading about real people that I may have met somewhere instead of fictional characters in a book.

This is a book about how a secret can affect a person and how isecrets can have a ripple effect on future decisions. I loved this book and am looking forward to Kim Edwards' next novel.

Soooooooo tired

2007-09-21T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am working so much overtime lately that I have barely any time to sleep. If S wasn't here I'd just go to bed at seven in the evening, but with him here I want to see him and talk to him. So I nap every day. Today my nap took away the exhaustion and left me merely tired. The shower helped, too, washing away all the grime and aches from work.

Another problem with me working later is that I have almost no time alone. I'm getting home about the same time as the boys or I nap the afternoon away. My cheques are fat, though :)

The Bipolar clinic is back at the Mental Health Clinic. I plan on going. It's a ten week course on understanding Bipolar Disorder. Family members are welcome and when S first heard about it he said he'd make the time to go. Now he's saying it's a day-to-day decision. Now I wonder, do I want him to go? Not if he has a poor attitude about it, that's for sure.

My sister is convinced she has Ashberger's Syndrome. She has none of the symptoms of it and hasn't discussed it with a psychiatrist (that I know of). I think she's just looking to be special somehow and is using illness to be something different. I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Words and psychiatrist

2007-09-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book written by someone who is bipolar and found it interesting that she has issues with words as well. Some are wonderful to read, write, type or say. Others are awful and unpleasant to even think. One thing she didn't say was something I do: sometimes a word or phrase will get stuck in my mind and I feel unable to move on. I can't go to the next sentance because I keep echoing the last few words of the other sentance. Also, sometimes I have to focus and concentrate on each word in order to understand them. If I don't focus, by brain doesn't register that I've read the word or phrase and so I don't understand the next chunk of the book. Other days I can read easily and enjoy it.

One thing that I remembered: I used to always have a psychiatrist in my head. He was male sitting behind a wooden desk in an office high up. I was allowed to sit at a chair in front of him or wander around if I needed to. So I would usually look out the window :) I used to talk about everything that was bothering me, and he never gave an opinion, just listened and asked questions. Now I find I can talk to myself and figure out what questions to ask in order to get to the heart of things. I didn't think this was too weird but I see how it can be.

Feeling good

2007-09-07T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling mostly good lately. One thing I've noticed is it's more difficult to get me riled up. I just accept things the way they are and stop being so fussy about changing it to suit me. Except traffic. Oh man do I hate traffic. My job allows me to travel quickly with only a few cars, but driving around in heavy rush hour traffic just gets my blood boiling.

I hope I've finally managed to figure out a correct dosage of lithium. I like being even-tempered and a bit more stable.

I don't know how much of this is bipolar and how much is being raised by a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I feel like I'm nothing. I have few hobbies (just tv and movies right now) and very few friends. I go to work, come home and be a mom, be a girlfriend, go to bed and start over. When I try to come up with ideas for hobbies or interests, I get nothing. No sparks at all. I find this odd compared to the number of people that find things they like to do and try them or get busy doing them.

Four different chemicals

2007-08-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be going well, I feel almost normal :) About as normal as I can be, anyway.

The way I used to see events in my life was determined by which chemical was in my brain at the time. Like wearing different colored glasses will change how you see the world around you. I thought there were only three ways to see things: manic, depressive and angry. I have found another, and it seems much more dangerous. That is the complete absence of feeling. The 'dead inside' feeling with malevolence added. When I feel this way I don't have any compassion for any living being, I don't have any desire to interact with people and in fact they just irritate me. This one is dangerous because if I act on any thought during this time it turns out disastrous. Lucky for me this particular chemical is very short lived (about a day at worst, three or four days total) and reasonably rare. I think I scare the people around me with that one.

Doing well

2007-08-27T14:29:00.001-07:00

I've been on an Up lately, no complaints there :) Mostly I've been in a good mood and able to get things done.

I really am starting to dislike the acne though. Never have I broken out so much. I'm even getting used to the extra weight. Well, sort of, I still don't like it.

I need a new doctor. Mine never seems to be available and wants to focus on OB/GYN patients now. So I have to see if I can find a new one somewhere and hope that new one is good. I wouldn't mind a psychiatrist as well. I need someone to talk to about being bipolar. It would be good to talk to someone who has some knowledge of the subject.

Oh yeah - I'm Up

2007-08-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

I'm definately on an Up. I can't avoid saying that any more. I haven't needed nearly as much sleep as usual and I haven't napped yet today. Instead I went shopping for even more lingerie because, really, I need more bras. A drawerful just isn't enough.

I also 'scooped' my son's room. He's twelve and a packrat. Every once in a while I go into his room with him and we scoop. This is where we (mostly I) quickly go through everything. All the garbage gets thrown out (several large bags' worth - in a small room!), clothes get picked up and bedding tossed back on the bed. Then...oooo this is important....I put all the toys in bins except the toys I know are special to him. Next, I take the bins and hide them when he's not looking. Then, if he wants a toy from the bin he has to ask for it by name and I have 24 hours to produce it for him. After six months the remaining toys get taken to Goodwill. I'm pretty sure his room just reproduces junk with mates with itself and creates more junk. Man o man it gets out of control.

Also, at work I've been especially chipper and efficient. It's like I have renewed energy from somewhere.

This is probably not a good thing. I don't think I should be able to feel so Up. I should feel more even. I need to talk to my doctor about the lithium dosage I think. And about acne medicine. I am tired of looking like a teenager with bad skin.

Mostly ok....and a bit sad

2007-08-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

I seem to be feeling mostly ok. Someone at work even said I was patient. Me. Patient. Then I realized that things really don't get to me any more. I still stress a little bit about things, but never so it overtakes my life. I can easily just acknowledge that something is annoying or a time-waster at work, but then I don't feel in any way uptight about it. I just complete the task and move on.

Having said that...I am sad that I didn't participate in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer. I was unable to raise the required $2000. Ok, I barely tried. I asked family and friends and was turned down each time. People said they had no money as they sucked on cigarettes, or that it's not a worthwhile cause after I finished telling them my sister has stage four cancer. I felt worthless and insignificant so it was very difficult to ask total strangers for donations. I know, that's an excuse, I could have done it anyway. It was just too hard. So I lied to myself about how much I wanted to participate. Then I was taken by surprise at how much I thought about it and missed it from last year.

Maybe it would have been easier if I'd had a group to funraise and walk with, but there wasn't a group for me. As with most other times in my life I wasn't able to find a team for me to join.

I think it's time for me to accept that I will live on the fringes of the world, never really a part of anything and forever watching groups form away from me. Maybe the lithium will make it easier to be likeable, or maybe I'm just not the kind of person people want to include in parties, groups, gatherings or get-togethers.

Dose seems to be working

2007-08-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

So, I'm on a new dose of lithium that seems to be working well. One woman I work with told me I'm so calm and I don't get frustrated at all. I started to disagree with her, then realized that I really am not prone to frustration or anything. It sucks when I'm pulled away from my work to do something else and I do fret about it, but then I just assume I'll get my work done anyway. Where I would normally get all riled up I now just go about my work.

I think my brain was trying to have an Up this week. I went to work just soaring and ready for anything. I knew right away it was an Up and was quite pleased about it. Then I had one negative thought and the Up was gone, like a door slammed on it. Then I was just Neutral and have been since then. I like Ups and miss them.

Sleepless....again

2007-08-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, the change in my medication seems to have made a good difference. My moods are better and a bit more manageable. But. Oh yes, But. I barely slept at all this week. Maybe two hours each night with a nap of about two hours in the afternoon. On an Up I know I need less sleep, but I also feel well-rested on less sleep. I was so tired at work I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye and hearing music playing when there was none. I felt super drugged all the time. I would try to sleep but no matter how tired I was I would just lay awake and listen to the outside world get more and more quiet.

This weekend I have three days off work. On Friday I took a three hour nap and then slept for 11 hours at night. I also had a good nine hour sleep last night. So what's going on? Am I stressing about something? Is it work? Personal life? My boys? Hopefully I'll be able to figure it out soon. I like a good night's sleep.

On another note, I bought all the school supplies for my boys. It came to over $300!! Holy Mother Of Pearl that's expensive!! I also noticed they have refill paper with colored edges and pictures on them. Kind of a ridiculous expense, I think.

Doing better with new dosage

2007-07-30T16:58:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling more stable now. Maybe the change in medication is working.

One thing that will definately bring on a Down is lack of time alone. That is something I'm going to have to make sure I get often. And I like time alone to be in my house, where other people join me. I don't like being alone somewhere and having to come back home to a houseful of people, even coming home to S and no one else is a bit too much.

I still can't seem to find any bipolar support groups or anything in my city. There are online communities, sure, but then I can't read the expressions of everybody and I don't post in those very often. So then I end up feeling left out or unimportant. I know that's silly, but it's how I feel.

S's family is having a big family reunion this weekend. I'm only sort of looking forward to it. I don't really want to be around that many people and have no down time at all. Meeting the people might be interesting though.

Change in medication

2007-07-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've changed my medication to 750mg one night and 900mg the next night. My doctor had suggested this some time ago because at the time I felt that 900mg/day made me feel like a zombie. I can't remember that feeling any more and wonder if it really happened.

My motivation for the change was the burst of anger with other people's children. I felt like if I'd had a gun I'd've caused quite a bit of damage in a crowd. So I had to admit that I don't have control over being bipolar and that my medication wasn't enough. So now we'll see. I don't have regular psychiatrist or psychologist appointments and I'm shopping for a new doctor (mine is just never available and is closing her walk-in clinic).

It's hard to admit that I don't have any control over being bipolar. I thought I was managing it well. Time to get out of the Land of Denial.

Angry rant about children

2007-07-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

Begin rant:

I am sick and tired of other people's children. I cannot stand the way the mothers think the world should step aside and let her children pass. I don't like the way they blame a driver for almost hitting her child instead of chiding herself for not watching her child more closely. There was a death in the area recently where the child ran out into the road and was hit. The parents think lights should be placed at that corner. How about not allowing your young child out of the safety of the yard? How about teaching your child about road safety so the child won't run out into it? How about making sure there is either a capable older child to watch over the younger one or (gasp!) a parent watching over the child outside the yard? How about being responsible for your own offspring?

Or how about parents that are so arrogant as to think their child is the only one of any importance in the universe. The ones that go to the school and say 'we can't have any coconut in today's celebration goodies, my Mary gets such a rash from it'. Seriously. Teach your child to bring her own snacks to the celebration and instruct the teacher that Mary is not to have any treats that may contain coconut. But to expect the rest of the class to cater to your allergies? Prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child. After all, you aren't going to go to Mary's boss one day and say the same thing are you? Teach your child how to live with her allergies safely.

And - oh my god - my biggest pet peeve of parents: talking in third person to your child. Saying "mommy said don't do that, mommy thinks it's dangerous", instead of "I said don't do that, I think it's dangerous." Take responsibility for your decisions and discipline. Putting it in third person makes it so this other person - "Mommy" - is the bad guy when it should be the parent that's the bad guy. Parents can't possibly be all good all the time.

I am sick of mommy groups as well. Every time I turn around I see the Mommy Losing Weight Group or Mommy and Me or Mommy's Night Out. As if by being a mommy you are now placed in some kind of special place. You're not special, you are just capable of reproduction. Big deal.

I am a mom. I have two boys. And there are days I cannot tolerate listening to a parent gush over how cute her baby was pooping in the public park's pool. What's so cute about that? Now the water is filthy for anyone else wanting to go in the wading pool. Or how adorable it was when her son took a 'love bite' on another kid's arm. Your child bit another child! Discipline him! There are days I hate having to be all gushy-lovey over the thousand pictures of someone's baby. Oh and don't even get me started on children who learn how to 'play' their parents. Oh good heavens, the child that screams up a storm because he wants a candy. Then when the parent gives in and says to me 'well, he's just going to keep crying until he gets it'. No. He's going to keep crying until you give in or some other shiny thing catches his eye. Now the child knows his mom doesn't like it when he cries and will use it to get what he wants.

I don't know where this venom is coming from. I know this attitude has always been there but I can usually put it aside or not feel so angry about it. Other people's kids bother me, and the parents that expect me to be in awe of the very existence of their child (yes, there are people I know like that) piss me off even more.

End rant.

*considering changing my dosage of lithium, I should be this flash-angry*

A bit Up...and hobbies

2007-07-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

I think I may be climbing back Up just a bit. I found one significant reason I was in a longish down - I had absolutely no time at all to myself. S had two weeks off work and I had one week and we spent every moment together. I am not the kind of person who can recharge around others. I need time completely to myself to do as I choose. Even with kids I've always managed to get that time in for myself. Now I'm in a relationship with a man who likes to spend every bit of time together. Problem is, I can't just have time alone by shopping or seeing a movie or driving. It needs to be in my house. So I have to learn to take advantage of every opportunity to be the only one home.

It's been on my mind a lot that I don't really have any hobbies. Both of my sisters have hobbies (beading, jewelry making, photography, rocks and minerals, clothing design), my guy S has hobbies (computer games, tabletop miniature games, writing) and I don't. I like to read. And I like to watch people and listen to peole talk about their lives. I feel like I should be interested in something.....but I have no idea what. This is why I didn't go to schoo past grade 12, I had no idea what interested me and I didn't want to spend money on random classes.

I know the bipolar part of me doesn't have the energy or stamina to have a hobby, but I do feel like I would like to fill the non-working hours with something other than S. You know?

Down all the time

2007-07-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

S has been off work for these last two weeks and I've been off for this last week. Most of the time I've been in a Down I think. Definately not terribly happy but not really sad either. Last week I had to work a lot of overtime and had very little sleep so I was mucho Cranky. I expected to be in a better mood this week but I really didn't want the week off work. I took it off because S kept going on and on about family time and time for us. He wanted me to take two weeks so I compromised on just the one week. Now I'll feel icky going back to work on Monday. I'll have to sort out my department and figure out what's different from when I was last in. I really hate that. I am my father's daughter and have a supremely strong work ethic. I don't call in sick or take personal days, and I've discovered I don't like vacation time either.

So I've been a little off kilter all week. What would have made a stunning vacation would have been some time completely to myself. Days where I could shop or walk or wander around a mall or festival. Instead S was with me (my boys are visiting S's family for a week in another city - so no kids around) and he hates leaving the house. Even if he comes for a walk with me he likes it to be short.

I did get my boys' rooms painted though. One is soothing blue and the other is screaming orange. They chose the colors. I just couldn't do nothing all week, I needed a project to keep me busy.

I called my doctor's office to get an appointment to refill my lithium and was told she's booked for the day. She changed the way she makes appointments, she doesn't book them in advance any more, you just call that morning and see if you can get in that day. Well, they start taking calls at 9 am and my dr was booked by 908 am. At least she had the requisition for the blood work faxed to a nearby lab and will have the refills called in to the pharmacy. But if the dr can't take the time to see me, will she actually read the blood results? And I wanted to get my blood pressure checked as well. Who will do that now?

I wish I was cheery again.

Coming Up and walking :)

2007-06-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

I am feeling much better.....so much better than I have been in ages. I don't know why exactly, maybe an Up is coming, maybe a Down is finishing. The lithium makes is so difficult to tell because the symptoms are different.

I went for a walk today and it was unbelievable :) The air is so clean from all the rain that I could smell flowers in all the nearby gardens. The wind was strong, but not strong enough to bother me at all. And even though the sun was out it was hidden a bit behind a sheer layer of clouds which diffused the sun nicely.

I forgot how much I like taking a walk by myself. I had to stop doing it after my marriage ended two years ago because I had to get a job and was sooooo tired all the time. Now I get up very early in the morning to go to work so I miss my favorite walking time (dawn) and get home when the sun is out in full strength. I could walk more and would like to, and I would like to do it without kids or anyone. That's one reason I liked walking at dawn, not many people out and about yet to add noise to the day.

I think I'm Up a bit....

2007-06-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have been soooooo sick lately :( Ok, it's only a head cold, but I rarely get sick at all and I've been just hammered by this virus. About once every five years I get super-sick and wonder if it's my body storing up all the viruses I could have had and slams me with them all at once. Anyway, I finally feel almost human again.

I don't even know what my moods have been lately because it was terribly stressful seeing my sister (as much as I love her, it's still hard to look at her and know she's dying) then I got this icky head cold. So now I don't feel the need to sleep all the time and I think I'm around Normal. Maybe a bit Up.

But Up only because I told S that I didn't want to get married right away. He told his mom to expect a wedding in the next year or so and even though we'd talked about the possibility of getting married, I guess I hadn't fully decided on it yet. I really didn't like feeling pressured into a decision (now that his mom thinks we are getting married I get to field all those awful wedding questions). I told S that this is why I didn't want to discuss marriage until a proposal had happened. After all, this is how I got married the first time, we'd talked about it but never really set a date until family overwhelmed us with questions about when it was going to happen. I do not want to be standing there in a dress at a ceremony wondering exactly when did I decide to get married. I mean, why not just live together for a while? I definately feel better and not so pressured to please everyone else.

Downish and achy

2007-06-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I feel ok today, maybe a touch on the Down side, but not bad at all.

My son's bike was stolen right out of our yard. This really sucks for him as it's the first major purchase he's ever made and he's owned it less than a month. My car was also broken into recently, I wonder if there is a rise in vandalism in our area or this is all just a fluke. I ended up buying him a new bike, slightly less expensive than the one he bought, but otherwise the same brand and size and most of the same features. He won't see it until tomorrow when he's back from his dad's.

My bowels have been giving me trouble lately. I don't know if it's some kind of intestinal virus or the lithium. I had some caffeine recently and have not been drinking enough water. Maybe a combination of both?

My sister is visiting from another province. I saw her twice this visit. She won't be up again until Christmas. Maybe. She has breast cancer that's moved to her bones, so visiting depends on how well she's feeling and all that. The bowel issue of mine might have been stress as well, it's hard to see someone you love and know that person won't be here in ten years, maybe not even five years.

Tired....oh so tired

2007-06-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

For a very brief time the other day I felt very Up. Now I feel a bit Down, but possibly from lack of sleep again. It's so hard to find the right balance of sleep and awake without caffiene. At the moment I feel completely drained and would like the world to go away while I reset myself.

I saw my sister today. She lives in a different province and is visiting for a week. She has breast cancer that has moved into her bones but she is doing ok for the time being. That might be why I'm so drained - seeing her and staying positive. Also keeping the conversation focussed on her, which she prefers, and doing things she likes to do.

My younger son is becoming quite the delinquent. He's only 10 but seems to be going through adolesence already. His attitude sucks and he's doing very poorly in school. He's started calling girls slut, bitch, cunt and fat. His teacher thinks this is all my son, but I know these girls, they instigate a lot of arguements and name calling. Having said that, I know my son is not innocent in all of this. One of the biggest problems is his teacher. She seems to think he's a horse that needs breaking. Well, J doesn't stand for that kind of thing. He butts heads with her instead and challenges every rule she makes. Any rule that's arbitrary is argued with vehemence by J. I see that the teacher is not going to change her ways and J is not going to change his ways, so I'm considering a different school for J next year. He'd have the same teacher otherwise.

Down Down Down.....and tired

2007-06-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

I've been in a Down this week, I think. Definately tired from working so much overtime. I felt like I just couldn't be bothered to make the barest of human contact. I just wanted to sleep or lie down or not function at all. One thing I was looking forward to was my boys growing up and moving out so I could just let myself go on the days I want to. Not the best idea, I know. At least with the boys or S I feel like I have to maintain some modicum of decency.

All day at work I felt like I was swimming in molasses with brief patches of honey. It was hard to move all day and especially hard to move quickly. I took advantage of every honey moment and moved as fast as possible, but really, I'm exhausted simply from existing today.

I did get a raise today :) An extra $1.10 an hour, which is excellent for my industry. My boss also said I can expect more at my review in September. I admit I didn't negotiate very well, but this was the very first time ever I'd even asked for more money from any employer. I wouldn't even raise my rates when I ran a dayhome. Overall I'm very proud of myself. And tired.

Good but still hot and mostly tired

2007-06-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm still feeling good, but very tired from the heat and overtime at work. But I'm handling things well for the moment, and am able to think clearly.

My sister's breast cancer has moved to her bones and she will die probably within five years. She recently has said she longs for a master's degree in textiles and design as that's where her heart really is. She studied math at school and had an excellent job at a leading computer company before her cancer came back. As sad as I am for her because she won't have the energy or time to pursue her dream, I couldn't help but think of myself. If I knew I only had five years to live, what career do I wish I had followed or investigated? I couldn't think of any (maybe because I'm so darn tired). I like my job. It's hard physical work, but I enjoy it. I get left alone to do my work, I'm not watched by the bosses all day and I can choose the order and pace (sometimes) of my day. But I wonder, what would I regret if I knew life would be cut short?

Still good and hot

2007-05-31T16:21:00.000-07:00

Still feeling pretty good, I like the Normals that happen. I can't actually remember a time in my life that I felt even or steady much of the time. This last Down was awful though so I'm still considering altering my dosage of lithium.

The idea of having my boys work for their allowance is working out well....except it's a bit difficult to find jobs for them to do all the time. My house is spotless at the moment :) At least it's summer so they can do outside chores as well as inside.

Oh my goodness it's getting hot out now. Today has been a nice warm one (about +25C) and I've been enjoying it as much as possible. I used to love going outside in the summer and just sitting in the yard and watching the kids play. Now I work in a production plant/bakery and it's hothothot in the building all day. I feel like I work in an oven and leave work to drive in an oven (no AC in the car) so I don't spend as much time basking in the sun as I used to. Instead I enjoy cool showers :)

Thank you comment-leavers :) It's good to know there are other people that find it difficult to balance everything and follow through on things. I still wonder how much of that is me and how much is bipolar.

Feeling good again

2007-05-27T15:10:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling good again today. Maybe that horrible Down is over. I didn't even recognize myself in how awful I felt and how mean I was. Let's hope things get better now.

The boys are trying out a new allowance idea. They have to work for their money and are being paid by the hour. The problem always was that I could maintain that in an Up but not a Down, so let's hope I'm stable enough to be able to keep this up for them.

Normal I think

2007-05-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm better now, not so grumpy and irritable. I had such a hard week at work that I felt like I was never ever going to be caught up on anything. On top of that I finally got my lawnmower back from being serviced, so I cut my grass yesterday and that just exhausted me. I slept hard last night and could still sleep today.

So my mood is just ok. Not Up or Down it feels like. I'm better able to control my anger now, which is good. My youngest son was doing the dishes and he got the counter, floor and him just soaked. Instead of yelling I showed him a better way of handling it. Is this how normal parents are?

Yesterday evening my boys got lost in the mall. Ok, not lost exactly as they are 10 and 12, but missing. They weren't where they were supposed to be. They had their phones but S and I didn't have ours, so I tried calling the boys from store phones and a payphone. It turned out one boy's phone was on silent and I was getting the number wrong on the other one. So their punishment for today was to do any and all chores I say without complaint. I had them working all day until now. I figured seven hours of hard labour was enough.

I'm still tired of being fat.

Bouncing back?

2007-05-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

Today was mostly good, maybe bouncing back from the Down. I don't feel completely good but I'm not bad either. I had a bad day at work and I expect tomorrow to be busy as well.

Definately Down

2007-05-22T14:35:00.000-07:00

Definately on a Down now. I didn't want to be bothered with going to work or actually talking to people. I didn't care about anything at all. Even asked myself why I was speeding to work today when I didn't want to be there.

The scariest thing was the thought that my life is just too much hassle to bother with. Why would I think that? I'm not suicidal, I enjoy life. It was like my brain was a completely different person than me, telling me what it believes. It was weird.

I also have been obsessed with my weight. Always thinking I'm fat and ugly. I don't like these Downs, I'm not used to them at all.

Down and fat

2007-05-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

I think I'm just a bit Down today. Nothing serious, but I don't want to participate in my life at all. I'd like to sit and read uninterrupted for hours on end. I don't want to do any running around or conversation upkeep or anything like that.

I'm also tired of being fat. Not so tired as I'd quit eating chocolate....but definately tired of it. I was trying on clothes and it was very unattractive to have my stomach stick out past my chest. I'm sore from exercising yesterday, well, more stiff than sore I guess. I know that my Downs now include thoughts of how fat I am. It becomes obsessive almost...all I can think about. When I'm a bit Up I just make do with what I have.

I feel like I could nap, even though I slept long enough last night.

Still ok

2007-05-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

Still feeling pretty good....no major downs or ups.

I am still looking for some sort of support group or something for bipolars. I noticed several online, all which look good, but I like to see people in person when I talk to them.

A bit raw, but ok

2007-05-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

I still feel a bit raw today, but other than that I feel ok.

I hate the weight gain with lithium so I did a bit of research on other treatments for bipolar. Guess what? They all cause weight gain :( I wonder if I can lose the weight or if it stays as long as I'm on lithium....

On an Angry?

2007-05-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

I think I was average again today, but tired.

Living without caffiene is more difficult than I thought. Coke was always my go-to thing if I was tired or needed a pick-up. Now I can't have any at all. Ok, I can have a couple of tiny sips before I show the signs of dehydration. Now I have to live my life with a good amount of sleep all the time. You'd think that would be easy but it's not. S gets home at around the time I used to go to bed so I like to stay up and talk to him. So then I need an afternoon nap and that doesn't alway work out.

The weight gain is also an issue. I feel very fat. Last time I weighed myself I was 163 lbs and I'm only 4'11"! I know it's not the end of the world to be overweight but I really hate it.

Maybe I should look into the other treatments for bipolar.

Today I was just raw. I had no compassion for people at all. One girl at work was sick and I really believe she was faking it to get out of staying for the full day. Actually, any day I'd say that about this one girl, but normally I'd be able to hide it or soften the thought a little. I also had no consideration for another coworker. She could have used my help with something so I deliberately adjusted my speed to make it so I couldn't help her. Again, I wouldn't have done that task anyway (she told me for the last three days she wants to pawn it off on someone else) but I would have been a bit kinder.

So am I on an Angry? Is that part of bipolar? It's when I firmly believe I am right and the world must conform to my opinion. Where I will have entire arguements in my head about a topic that may never come up. Where I am unable to hide or soften how I feel about someone that I'm currently dealing with. This is when I appear abrasive, blunt and unkind. I think it's a big reason why I don't have very many friends and for a long time the lithium seemed to take care of it. The question is: do I feel this way because I'm tired or is it a bipolar thing?

Still normal

2007-05-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

Just another normal day. Not too stressful either at work or at home. I didn't feel sad today, which is good :) I'm not tired either or too happy. This normal thing takes some getting used to.

The burn on my arm is healing very nicely. I'm at the point where I could still make a big deal about it and get some sympathy, but I don't really want to put that kind of effort into it.

Average....with a bit of Down

2007-05-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

Today was another average day with my moods. Not too bad in either direction. The lithium is definately working, but I wish weight gain wasn't part of the side effects :( I feel fat.

I should have been frustrated and angry at work. The people in sanitation were just leaving stuff everywhere instead of getting it all to where it belongs. I had to move stuff constantly but it didn't bother me. I noticed it but didn't fret about it.

Maybe I'm a tiny bit down or still tired, it's hard to concentrate on what to write.

Average

2007-05-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

We're home now from our weekend trip to see S's family. It went very well I think. I drove there and back so I felt a bit more in control, which definately helped.

Overall my moods have been a tiny bit Down. It was stressful leaving the house for the weekend and I didn't feel like I relaxed at all. Right now I feel average. Not Up or Down. The burn on my arm is bothering me so I'm a bit preoccupied with pain and don't feel like I have the capacity to maintain Up or Down. I know, sounds weird.

Down, but not too bad

2007-05-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

Still don't feel normal, just a bit Down. I can't seem to get up to speed with work and I have a difficult time focussing on stuff. I just want more time alone and more time to sleep.

I did go for a walk today after coming home from work and it made me feel a bit better. I'm considering getting up an hour earlier again to walk alone. I used to love doing that, but I'm not sure I want to give up the hour of sleep right now.

Still Down

2007-05-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

Still a bit Down today. I was a little bit sad all day at work. I don't know if it's because someone I like to work with is leaving or just a bipolar Down. I definately don't feel the chemical dump I usually do, but I did notice that I just couldn't move fast today at all. I knew that if I hurried a bit I could go home early but I just couldn't get moving. So maybe a bipolar Down. Sucks because I prefer being Up.

My burn still hurts. I went back to the doctor and had it re-dressed. He told me it's supposed to look the way it does (gross and icky) and that it's healing well. Wish it would hurry up.

Down

2007-05-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit Down today. I don't really know why, there's nothing going on that would cause it. I don't feel whatever chemical it is surging through my brain causing a Down. I just have sad thoughts.

Not really sad or icky thoughts, just thoughts with a definate negative tinge to them. I am also slightly overwhelmed at tasks that need to be done. We'll see if this gets worse or not. Hopefully not.

Normal and hurt

2007-05-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Again I feel very normal today. It does amaze me a bit that the lithium could work at such a low dosage (750 mg/day) and as the first try at medication. I wonder if it will last......

Funny thing about lithium is I don't seem to be able to hold onto frustration or anger for very long. I can't even get really irritated about things. It's very weird to me.

I had a surprisingly good day considering it started with me discovering my car had been broken into overnight. Nothing was stolen or broken, just rifled through. It did make me feel a bit violated knowing that someone had been searching through my stuff. Overall I am just happy no one was hurt and the car doesn't need any repairs.

Then at work I burned my arm. I work in a production plant that is a bakery and I was standing beside a kettle. The kettle is big enough for an adult to bathe in and has a lid that doesn't fit tightly. The kettle burped at me and shot a load of pressurized steam on my arm. The burn itself is about three inches across between my elbow and wrist. Wow, does it hurt a lot. I did go to the doctor to document it just in case there is a problem later, but I don't think there will be. It may scar though, as it is mostly a second degree burn. Ow.

A tiny bit Down but a good day

2007-05-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

Although I did feel just a tad Down today it was still a good day.

S did what he could to make the day special to me as it was my birthday celebration night. I am very pleased at the gifts :) A large box of Bernard Callebeaux chocolates and a gift card to a salon for a massage. I've never had a massage and had wanted one. Actually, at the Weekend to End Breast Cancer last year they had volunteer massage therapists and chiropractors, but by the time I got to Tent City and got in line for a massage they had no more spots available. That was the one experience I wanted to have there more than anything else. I was surprised that S remembered I wanted that and gave me a gift for it :)

The lithium is causing me to lose my appetite though. I had a very hard time picking a restaurant because food just doesn't look good. Even food shopping was difficult because I had no idea what to buy and make. You'd think I'd be thinner by now :)

2007-05-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

e The trend continues.....still feel good but not overly fabulous. The weather is definately helping - lots of sun and warmth :)

S is doing very well at making up for forgetting my birthday :) He does what he can to remind me that I am special to him and although I'm not used to it, I do enjoy it.

Still coasting in normal

2007-05-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Yep, you guessed it - I'm still feeling normal, normal, normal. The only times I've felt Down since I started this blog were situation related instead of brain chemical related. And I've only felt very Up once, but since then I've been drinking ginormous amounts of water.

I've lost my appetite for food. I did my usual food shopping today and found absolutely nothing appealed to me. So I bought the usual stuff (yeah, mostly junk). Now I find I eat out of habit more than anything else. Most often I'm not even hungry - it's just time to eat so I eat. Hmmmmm, recently I was complaining of feeling chubby so you'd think I'd be able to just stop eating when I'm not hungry but it's so much harder than that. Food is one of the things I turn to when I'm bored. Or stressed. Or anxious. Or happy. Get the picture? Food has rarely been something just to fuel my body. Time to focus on that a bit more and do less of this unconscious eating thing.

Still a happy normal

2007-05-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

Still on the Up side of normal :) This is very odd to me, to be not fluctuating at all. I am so accustomed to radical mood swings that this whole 'normal' phase has seemed to last a year.

Can the lithium really be working for me? Will I grow a tolerance to it and it suddenly won't work? It's good to know that at least I'm not depressed most of the time. I did hear about how that can happen - depression taking over. I feel in control and generally happy. Ok, I still get irritable with my boys around sometimes.....but I'm sure that's normal. Since I started the lithium I found that I can't multitask at all. So watching tv or reading or doing something on the computer requires my full attention. I wonder if that is to be expected with lithium. I'm still trying to find some sort of group or something where I can find out if other bipolar people have similar experiences. Just want to know that I'm not a complete nut :)

Bounced back to the Up side of normal

2007-05-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

No, he didn't remember my birthday and yes, I was extremely disappointed in him over it. We talked about it and I feel better (I think he does too, but is having a more difficult time with it). I wonder - is lithium the reason that I can't hold on to anger or frustration any more?

So I'm bouncing back Up again, but not to extremes. I feel ok, not depressed like yesterday and not too high. Could yesterday have been a one day Down? Now that would be a bit odd.

On a bright note...a coworker gave me a birthday gift today :) That made my day :)

A bit Down

2007-05-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little sad today. Mostly because it's my birthday and I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up that S will remember without me prompting him. Both my boys forgot and didn't go with S to get me a gift. Although, really, I expect kids to forget without reminders because their world seldom extends past themselves. It is the hope that they outgrow this and become more cognizant of the world. Anyway, I told S how important it was for him to remember my birthday, and how much I'd like it if he involved the boys in gift-buying so they can learn to think of another person. I've been reminding him off and on since October right up until yesterday. I know he's one of those people that doesn't put any importance on birthdays, but I would like the people I care about to show they are happy I was born. This is like living with my ex all over again. S will be home in about two hours, let's hope he remembers.

So I guess I'm a bit Down today. I don't know if it's because I'm tired or just locked into thinking S won't wish me a happy birthday.

Tired and normal

2007-05-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

Just buzzing right now - I had a couple of sips of Coke. I haven't had any caffiene in so long because of the lithium, now my body just doesn't process it very well. I expect to crash soon :)

Although I was tired most of the day I still had a good one. Not overly cranky or Down, not Up either. I actually caught myself wondering if I will be in a perpetual state of normal now. How weird would that be? Especially after so many years of extreme emotions.

Now that my son is in soccer again I have to try to figure out the whole bathroom thing. His games are longer now since he's older and I don't think I can last over two hours without recycling some water. We'll see. At least it's a short season.

My other son is moving his room around again. Lately he's been rearranging it almost every other day. He's 12, so maybe he's just trying to find himself? Or maybe he's looking for order in a world where his mom's boyfriend has moved in and his dad is engaged to his girlfriend. Our divorce was only finalized last November and we've only been separated for two years, so maybe he's finding things are moving a bit fast.

Tired

2007-04-30T19:08:00.001-07:00

Normal today, but very tired. I have to work the early shift tomorrow so no nap :(

Still normal, normal, normal.

2007-04-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

Nothing much new in the way of my moods today. I was snappish with my boys for a bit but I think that's normal in parenting. The weather is also cooling off, lending to a bit of a subdued mood I think. Overall I don't feel Up or Down, so here we go with normal again. This is the longest normal streak I can remember. I used to always feel like I was travelling Up or Down but never settling down in one state of mind. Now I think I feel the way I'm supposed to feel, equal all the time and emotions based on events not chemical dumpage in my brain.

Could it be possible that the lithium is actually working? Now that I'm taking in enough water, that is :) My bowels are functioning normally and my head no longer has that funny feeling that I associated with overdosing on lithium. I'm cautiously optimistic that this will actually work for me.

I was shopping today and looking at all kinds of pretty clothes. I've never really been a clothes horse in my past, but I'm finding more and more I want pretty things. That fit. See, I'm bigger now than I ever have been. I'm short (only 4'11") but weigh in at around 155lbs. That's a lot for me. So now I try on large sizes and the occasional extra large. I don't like it but have very little motivation to change it. Maybe in time I will. Anyway, I have been having the urge to dress nicer than jeans and tees so I've been eyeing flowy dresses and flirty skirts. Stupidly, I'm afraid to change the way I dress because of S. I seem to be under the impression that it is not good to change things like that for fear of ridicule. That concept comes from a childhood with a mentally unsound parent and I know it's not true. Difficult to fight though. I know if I was dating this wouldn't be an issue - I'd just wear whatever I want and be done with it.

I've been watching my boys gain some independance lately as well. Cell phones have helped with that as they are now available whenever I call them. One boy is very social and has many friends to hang out with, the other is not as social, more rigid, and has no friends to hang out with. My older one, the rigid one, I think will do better once he is an adult. He doesn't seem to tolerate children well and prefers the company of adults. I brought up the idea of giving them a clothing allowance. This would be so they are solely responsible for choosing their own clothes and buying within a budget. I don't know if it will work, but I think they could use yet another life skill. After all, I don't believe I'm raising children, I believe I'm raising adults who need to grow to be contributing members of society that can function largely without me. I don't want to turn them loose in the world without a good skill set and the confidence to work out new problems.

Tiny bit Up from normal

2007-04-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

A little on the upside of normal today, I think. I definately feel good about everything without feeling super-fabulous :) I like this normal I've been having.

One of the reasons I'm keeping this blog is to be able to track my moods to see how long the cycles are. I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar in January and have been on lithium since. Maybe I'm staying Up or normal because the weather is warming up (finally) or maybe the lithium is really working. Normal for me used to be only a day, then it would always be on the way Up or Down, so this normal is rare.

The lithium I'm taking is not even a full beginner dose. The psychiatrist started me on 900mg/day and I didn't like that I felt dead all the time. Or maybe I missed the highs, I do find them addictive. So I lowered the dosage to 750mg/day and didn't feel like it was working. Then I thought I should do a better job of drinking water throughout the day and see if that helps. Surprise, surprise it actually did. I pee so much I wonder why I bother to leave the bathroom all day, but I seem to be evened out. Now I'm hoping that my body will get used to the water and send it out less often. The other side effect of diarrhea has gone away as well since I started guzzling more water. So this is definately better for me and I'll have to learn how to keep it up.

Part of the problem I'm having is that I don't know anyone else who is bipolar so I have no idea if the medication is having acceptable side effects or not. I also don't know how anyone else deals with being bipolar. Either there isn't much in my city or I just haven't found it yet.

On another note, I did talk to S about everything and things seem resolved for now. I do think it might be fun for me to explore the city every so often, doing things I don't think he'd like to do. As well, I've never really done anything alone, so that might be a good experience as well. In one way, his computer game is a good excuse for me to get out and do things that I wouldn't ordinarily do. But he did mention cancelling the game to solve all of this. I can't see this being a very good option, I can just see it building resentment in him later. One thing at a time, I suppose.

So very normal

2007-04-27T17:27:00.000-07:00

Again, normal normal normal. I was happy at times and a bit sad at times. A bit irritated at times and a bit tired at times. It actually seemed as if my emotions were in response to what was actually happening around me. I am definately not used to this. I am used to feeling good no matter what and feeling horrible no matter what. So now I feel like I did as an early teenager. Although even then I can say that I was unreasonably grumpy or depressed, but that could easily be from living with my Borderline mother and not feeling like I was able to develop my own identity. Anyway. Normal today.

Not one single donation has come in for the Weekend. Not one. My younger sister lashed out at me for even asking. Ok, we had an arguement months ago that hadn't been resolved and the donation email was my first contact with her for a while. But I thought maybe she'd at least donate because our sister has breast cancer in her bones. My parents refuse to donate, my mom says they need to save money for my dad's retirement next year and she is unhappy with the way the donation money was used (some of it had to go towards funding the event, my mom thought it should all go to the charity, but really, how can an organization put such a huge event on without funding?). My sister with cancer called to say it might be unreasonable to expect people to donate again, it would tap them a bit dry. My aunt is in a care facility to recover after surgery so she probably hasn't even looked at her email. Oh yeah - and she's recovering from surgery so I don't expect anything from her. So my family won't support me in my efforts to do something positive for my sister's cancer. What kind of whacked family do I have? I would think most families would support their members in positive endeavors. I am going to provide a better family environment that this for my boys.

I did talk to S about his game last night. Much was resolved, but some questions linger. Like - if he says we are allowed to have separate activities/hobbies, then why do I have to be home for his? Why is it disruptive or wrong to go out to some event, the library, the mall, a movie or something when he plays his game? I have no objection to the computer game except that it seemed to suck up all of his attention like it used to do for my ex. Also, something about the idea that S is talking to the other players on a headset really bothers me. I don't really understand why, but it does. So my solution is to just make time for his game that's mostly scheduled so I can plan another activity. There really are some things I'd like to do that S doesn't really want to participate in anyway so I don't see why this won't work out. But S doesn't seem to like the idea at all, or he didn't last night. He wants to have separate hobbies but not in separate locations. I will need to ask him to clarify this a bit. It was getting late last night to talk about all of this, so maybe tonight we can cover some more ground on it.

Possibly a bit Down

2007-04-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to fall Down a bit. I still feel normal but I'm not happy. Maybe a little sad. I was happy at work when I would visit with people, but mostly I just felt a bit Down.

It may be because of S and his computer game. My exhusband used to play them all the time and close out the world around him. Most of the games S has played don't need his full attention, so it's been ok. But he's back on a game he used to play and has completely shut me out when he's on the computer. He even has headphones for this game so he can talk to the other players. I didn't like it on Tues but didn't know why so I just kept telling myself to get over the discomfort - after all, he's found a hobby. Then yesterday I felt really uncomfortable, like and intruder in my own house. I ended up going outside to clean the yard to get away from the feeling. He followed me out after a short while and waited for me to acknowledge him, then went back in and helped my younger son with his homework. But what bothered me was when I came home from work, S was all grabby and amorous (which I didn't mind). And as soon as I was busy doing laundry....he went back to play his game. So I feel shut out when he plays it around me, and I feel like his game is making him amorous and not me. Because he wasn't in the mood for anything after the game. All right, that could have been me, I was a bit grumpy when he was done playing. So I came up with the solution that if he wants to play his game and I'm home, I'll just have to find something to do in another room or go out somewhere.

This does seem a bit ridiculous though, why would I feel this way about a computer game? I know part of it is because not only does he shut me and the world out when he plays, but he seems to expect me to be in the same room as him while he's playing it. I will have to talk to S about all of this and see if there is a good solution for it.

Just Normal

2007-04-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

I feel mostly normal today. My moods seem to be affected more by what I'm thinking then by what chemical is in my brain. I've been having problems with side effects of lithium and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not drinking enough water or something. So today I made a bigger effort to drink more - and had to pee every half hour. I'll need to figure out the balance somewhere.

Up a tiny bit....and sleepless

2007-04-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

No problems at all today, except very little sleep. I don't know why I didn't sleep last night - only about four hours. And I didn't get a nap at all today or yesterday and I'm not all that tired. I remember feeling this way when I started the lithium but didn't expect it to return. I really need to go back to my psychiatrist and ask about other medications without such harsh side effects.

So today I feel like I'm happy-normal. Again, it would be nice to feel this way all the time.

On another note, my aunt is out of the hospital but going to a care facility. I don't know why she's going there, other than to heal physically, and she is considered elderly. And living on her own.

I've also blocked V from contacting me, it's just too stressful for me to deal with her right now.

No donations yet to help me walk for breast cancer.

You'd think I'd be sad at all of this, but I'm not. Still Up I suppose.

Normal

2007-04-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

Nothing but normalcy today. I don't feel Up or Down at all, no problems anywhere to report. I like normal, there are no scary thoughts at all.

Family is a bit of an issue, though. So far none of my family has supported me in the Weekend by way of donation. And my younger sister, V, went as far as to remind me that I need to apologize to her for some awful behaviour of mine before anything else can happen. Now first off, I did apologize - she just didn't like it - and secondly, I became acutely aware of the fact that I will never be enough for her. All these years I tried to mirror her in order to get her to like me. I think she's a really neat person and want to be her friend as well as close sister. So I would put aside my own beliefs and mirror hers, put aside my own feelings on something and reflect hers back at her. Now I've decided that I will say how I feel about something and even (yes, seriously) disagree with someone. It just so happens that I need a bit of practice at this having never really done it, but life is a work in progress, right?

The really scary thing is I react to V the same way I react to our mom. To mirror and watch was the only way I felt I could live with my mom and survive. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and wasn't diagnosed until I was already in my 30s. Looking back I see that I could have done many other things to feel safe, but I didn't know that at the time and got stuck in one method. Now I see that I was doing the same thing to V and I wonder if she has the same BPD. Bottom line is I've decided to distance myself from both my mom and V in order to gain a bit of mental strength. This way when I deal with either of them I will be on surer footing and hopefully better able to handle situations without damaging either me or them.

Nicely on the Up side of normal

2007-04-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I was on my way down last night. For some reason I was just not on top of things. My mood was mostly irritable and that snarky feeling of a Down coming. But today I've definately improved. I was even shopping for some stuff in Wal-Mart and decided to try on some clothes. Although I have been feeling fat lately....not so much 'feeling' as 'actually' fat I suppose....so the idea of trying something on caught me by surprise. Mostly I feel like I've accepted this as my shape so there's no point in moaning about it. I know how to dress to suit my figure and I try not to get too concerned over the size of clothing, instead I go for proper fit. This isn't possible on a Down. I feel like nothing fits and that I'm hugely fat and unattractive on a Down.

So maybe I've bounced a bit and can stay on the Up side of normal. I'd like that :)

One thing that did irritate me was S telling me he hopes I'm on an Up when we visit his family in May. Like I can control these things. I know he meant well, and I know that he loves me no matter what. But still, I don't need to hear things like that. Now I feel pressured to either stay Up or force a Down to move the cycle so I can be on an Up when we go. I do see his point, it will be more fun for me (ok, and for everyone else) if I'm in a good mood.

I've just started my fundraising for the Weekend to End Breast Cancer. I have no idea if I'll be able to walk it again like I did last year. This year I will have to monitor my water intake much more closely. And my water output. I think that will be the most difficult thing - dealing with having to pee so damn much.

Normal

2007-04-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday S and I went to a comedy club and laughed our asses off! It was good that I was still feeling Up-ish so I was able to enjoy it quite a bit.

One thing I did was have some of S's beer. He doesn't drink often and I drink even less so this was a treat. I only had about a quarter to a third of the bottle, but it really made me feel drunk. I don't know if this is from the lithium or not but I do know I don't feel that drunk after only that little bit. And when we got home the couch was spinning away on me as I sat on it. When I woke up this morning I felt hung over. A huge headache with extra tiredness mixed with some irritability. I did a search on the Internet about drug interactions with lithium and alcohol and came up empty. It isn't a major concern to drink a bit and take the lithium, so I don't know why it would have affected me so much. Also today I had the liqui-poops. I can't seem to get rid of that side effect at all. I just don't have normal bowels any more.

So today I feel normal. Not happy or sad or irritable. Just tired and generally ok (now that my bowels have emptied and there's no more pain).

Pleasantly coasting

2007-04-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

My good mood continues :) All day at work I felt pleasantly happy and not stressed at all. My mind feels sharp and organized instead of draggy and foggy that I associate with a Down. I enjoy the Up very much, and if I could stay the way I am right now that would be perfect. I know I'm not too far Up because I can see how inappropriate it would be to search the web for live feed webcams or ask a girl at work to share her weed.

At work I was thinking about friendships. I really don't have very many and I'm not the type of person other people invite out. I feel left out of the loop on almost everything. Just today some coworkers were talking about email and I realized no one asked for my addy and I didn't even know others were trading theirs. Many years ago I ran a playgroup and had no idea (until it was mentioned one week) that many of the moms were meeting outside the group. Again, no one called me or asked me to join or even discussed it in front of me.

Only once was I a part of an 'inner circle', and that was a group of moms from my son's school. I got into the group by being who they wanted me to be. More and more I would be myself, and they liked that - as long as it didn't conflict with their ideas of what I should be. So when I let my full self show I was no longer invited out with them.

So at work I was thinking of how to get involved in groups and make some friends, or even just get to know new people and it actually occured to me to change myself to fit in more. Now that's just not right. If I can't fit in the way I am then that is not the group for me. I suspect being bipolar may have played a big role in my ability to be accepted. After all, my moods were unpredictable and my whole thinking process and attitude about things changed depending on whether or not I'm Up, Down or in between.

Good mood, good day

2007-04-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

I have been in a very good mood all day :) Not so good that I feel a bit hysterical or panicky, just good like pleasant and pleasing. So the Up is still around...I like that :)

One thing I miss is being alone. When I was growing up I would go to my bedroom almost all the time and be alone. I didn't have many friends to take my time up as well. When I moved in with my ex-husband I spent most of my time alone. Then he moved out and I spent a good deal of time alone. I used to feel a bit lonely sometimes, but for the most part I enjoyed it very much. Now I live with S and I get almost no time at all alone. We are always in the same room if we are home together. And my boys are always nearby as well. So the only time I have completely alone is when I get home from work until the boys are home from school or when S is working and the boys are with their dad. So anyway, I could have been off work early today and possibly yesterday but chose to fill my day with useless stuff so I would get home on time. You'd think I would want to spend a lot of time with S, and I do enjoy talking to him and being with him. But it's hard to break a lifetime of conditioning about being by myself.

Still Up

2007-04-18T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today I am still happy....but not too happy :) I like this stage of things quite a lot. Not too Down and not too Up, but on the Up side for sure. I get babbly when I'm here, all talky and chatty.

I did miss my family today. Thinking about why I removed them from my life. Well, not all of them, just two in particular (and two as a result of the original two). I had to force myself to remember why I didn't want them around anymore. My younger sister said I was a bitch all the time and refused to even listen to anything I said the last time we were together. My two sisters get along very well it seems, but not with me. And I'm just coming to realize that my childhood was abusive and it's rather difficult to get over.

That's one definate disadvantage to being in an Up, I forget what or who has hurt me in the past and jump back in with both feet. Then I come back to normal and regret my actions but don't know how to correct it all.

Going Down a bit, and more info on an Up

2007-04-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

Today I was grumpy most of the time. I did feel better by the time I got home from work because by then I'd worked all the stress out of my system. I was very stressed out mostly because I didn't want to tell my man - S - about how the Up affected me. I did tell him, but felt horribly vulnerable as a result. Working it out in my mind all day definately made things better.

One horrible thought that slipped into my head was "is there enough in here?". I was looking into my bottle of lithium and thinking it would be good if I swallowed all of them. Would it have been enough to kill me? Maybe. Thing is, I don't have suicidal thoughts at all. Ever. Ok, last one was over a decade ago on an extreme Down. No matter how bad things get I don't ever consider ending my life. And the way I thought that phrase so coldly, I didn't even consider S or my two boys. I know now that I was feeling way too exposed and like I had handed S some major ammuntion to use against me later. Luckily, he's not that kind of guy :) He doesn't store information to hurt people. Horrible thing is that I'm used to people using information against me, so I expected S to do so as well. Anyway, it was a passing thought that I was able to squash quickly. A little scary, though.

I'd say I'm still Up but starting to come down a bit. I'd like to bounce and stay Up for a while longer, but that's probably not a good idea.

What I didn't say yesterday is what I gravitate towards on an Up. I don't shop or spend too much money, I look for sex. The fact that I'm in a good relationship doesn't escape my attention and I won't cheat on S. But. Yes, but. I found myself searching for things on the Internet that would be very inappropriate. Not just pictures but live feed webcams. S did say this would have been cheating, and in my mind I was working around that. Justifying my behaviour by thinking it's not like I'd actually go out and meet anyone, or have two way webcams...but it does involve another person that is not in our relationship. So. My medication will be altered. Sooner rather than later. At least I'm aware of what I'm doing and didn't actually get to doing anything irreversable.

Peaking Up

2007-04-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

All right, I have to admit it, I'm definately at the peak of an Up. I was waaaaaay too happy at work and even found myself encouraging a co-worker to have an affair with a man she only just found out likes her. Now, I don't cheat on whoever I'm with and I don't condone cheating at all. Yet here I was talking to her and finding all the good and exciting reasons an affair is just what she needs to do. Later I realized what I did and went back to her to give her all the reasons she should absolutely not cheat on her man. And even told her that the reason I think she should try something with this other man was because I'd never seen her beam so much when talking about the man she's living with, instead she always looked pinched and stressed when talking about him. Today she was just glowing and perky when talking about this other guy.

I know I make bad decisions and have poor judgement when I go too far Up. I know this can damage relationships. I know I justify my behaviour with inane reasons that don't make any sense. And I know that when I come down and get closer to normal I breathe a sigh of relief that I didn't act out anything really bad. So. I know I need to adjust my lithium dosage to stop myself from getting too far Up. I will. Really. But first I want to cycle once or twice more and keep track in this blog. That way I can track how my behaviour is and have a record to look back on to see how long and severe each Up and Down is. Then I will change my medication.

Nicely Up

2007-04-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Today I didn't start out feeling wonderful and actually thought the Up was leaving. I feel happier now, rested and content with the world. The sun is a definate asset, warming my skin and making the world smell good :) I would have to say I'm still Up, but not severely. Just extra-happy :)

I did drive downtown to run an errand and briefly wondered what it would be like to just pick up my stuff and move to a completely different city. I wanted to know what it would be like to start everything new. Then I remembered I have two kids and a boyfriend so it wouldn't be as easy as I think to just pick up and go. And it's not like I'm dissatisfied here or anything, I like the city I'm in, I like the house I live in, I enjoy my job....I just have an inkling every now and again to live a much less rigid life. To travel to somewhere new and live there for a while, until I'm ready to move to the next location.

This feeling doesn't come often.....well, actually, it comes in the summer never in the winter. Maybe because in the summer I feel like anything is possible, that the world is open to me and available for me to try whatever suits me. In the winter I feel suffocated and in some way glad that I have routines to follow to get through the day. In the winter my whole existence is to just get things done, go to bed, get up, get things done, etc. I have little joy during that time. And where I live, winter is the longest season. Maybe I should move my family to somewhere that's warm and sunny most of the time. Or I could wait until my boys have lives of their own outside my home and then move. Or just live with the icky winter and celebrate the spring and summer. For now I'll just wait and see how I feel with the lithium, see if it changes this next winter for me.

Flying Up, with explanations

2007-04-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

My day is going very well indeed :) I don't feel sad or irritable at all. I was able to do all of my errands without feeling rushed or overwhelmed, which is good. Overall I'd say I definately feel Up, already on the path to a peak.

It's interesting that I can feel good without feeling like there is a chemical dump in my brain. I used to always be able to feel the Up coming. Some event would trigger it - something as small as someone making me laugh or smile - and I could suddenly feel the surge of chemicals (seratonin? endorphins?) wash over my brain. Then the Up would begin. From that surge I would have the energy to accomplish anything. I didn't realize it at the time, but the surge also caused a bit of hysteria or edginess. Sometimes the only way to tame the hysteria was to sort/organize anything. This would be when I would start arranging objects in line with the surface they are on, or setting about completing a bunch of menial tasks like appointment-making or light cleaning. Stress in my life would make this hysteria a bit worse, that was when I would get into seriously putting things in order. I would try to organize my children's lives/schedules/behaviours and generally become control-freaky. As you can imagine, young preteen boys did not appreciate my efforts :) Now an Up still happens, but with no edginess and no need to sort/organize everything in sight. Instead I feel a bit distracted or a little too energetic, in which case a little bit of order still helps, but it doesn't feel like an addict feeding a fix. I still feel better putting things into order, I still feel the need for order, but I don't feel like my life depends on it.

So I'm on an Up right now, approaching what I used to know as the peak. I'm able to clearly see how items or events should be arranged for optimum efficiency. If presented with a problem right now, I'd easily be able to see more than one solution for it. I could take on any task and be comfortable with accomplishing it. I can manage raising two boys and making sure my man is receiving enough attention and focus from me. It is not difficult to deal with ex-husband issues or family issues. Everything really does seem to be in perspective right now.

The Downs have a similar chemical dump. Again, some event would usually trigger it - my man stumbling across some emotional baggage, reprimand at work - and it would begin. It would only begin after the Up has finished, or after whatever chemical it is has worn off. Anything can happen in an Up and it won't trigger the Down until the Down is already in the works. When the Down is ready, the chemical dump feels like the slowing down of my brain. Like being flooded with a sedative and a depressant at the same time. My thoughts focus on issues that are hurtful to me and I feel a complete lack of confidence in anything I do. At the peak (valley?) of the Down I am unable to move. I become paralytic so only my eyes can move about. I can think during this, I often tell myself to get up, just move, this is silly - why are you just lying here? So far there are only three things that will get me out of this state: 1. my boys need me for something, 2. someone else wiggles a part of me and that reminds my body how to move, and 3. time. It's almost like my brain is releasing that chemical to stop you from moving in your sleep. Anyway, from that point I usually start to feel better and begin to recover.

That's one thing I don't know if other bipolar people can do: bounce in the Up or Down to keep yourself there. I can definately do this in an Up. Somehow I know how to keep the Up going when it should be wearing off, I can force the chemical to stay in my brain and remain elated. Intellectually I know the Down will be much worse if I do this, but Ups are addictive :) I can stay in a Down as well if I haven't reached bottom. I can force a bottom to come a bit sooner than it normally would, and when I do this the Up comes faster. Probably not good for me, though.

Going Up

2007-04-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, definately on an Up :) I had a very good day at work and so far at home. I'm not out of control or anything, but for sure I feel more energized and sharp.

That's one thing I miss since being on lithium - the sharpness of my mind. I used to feel sharp all the time, now it's mostly when I'm Up. I think. It's actually really hard to remember a down right now.

Normal, but tired

2007-04-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today I was tired, but otherwise feeling normal. Ok, normal after a three hour nap :) Before that I was just icky tired, where it was an effort just to move around. But now I feel ok without being extreme. The warm weather has helped a lot - I love the warm sun and smell of grass. Hopefully it will rain soon and wash away the rest of the debris from winter.

Slightly up side of normal

2007-04-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

Today I was sooooo tired it's too hard to gauge the rest of my mood. I wasn't too far Down and I wasn't too far Up, which is good. Overall I think I'm on the Up side of normal. After all, I was able to appreciate the sun when it came out today. It was finally warm and melted the snow of the last few days. I was even pleased just to see the dirty, dead, brownish-yellow grass :) Mostly because I knew that with the warm sun the snow will melt more and soon go away.

Happy, then irritable

2007-04-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

Today I had more energy than I've had in a while. I did my work very fast and had no problems getting stuff done at home. Even though I was super busy at work I was still in a good mood and didn't feel overwhelmed at all. That is, until I took a nap. I slept for about an hour and a half and had five and a half hours of sleep last night. My head felt fuzzy and thick after my nap, my coordination was off and I was irritable. I'm still tired and would like to go to bed. And I'm getting more and more irritable as the evening progresses. Now I'm wondering if I should have skipped the nap in the afternoon. Of course, this is the wrong week to be judging how much sleep I need, I can never get enough when Mother Nature visits.

Normal

2007-04-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

If I could choose a day to be called 'normal' it would be today :) I don't feel overly sad, happy or irritable. There is no urgency or panic associated with a high and there is no raw nerve feeling associated with out-of-control anger. I don't feel at all paralytic as I do in the peak (valley?) of a Down. Instead I just felt generally ok all day. I was cheery at work and good with my boys and looking forward to my man coming home from work.

Even the lithium dosage seems right today. I drank enough water so that I didn't have the tight skin feeling around my eyes, or the confused feeling of not being able to access words to describe the pictures in my mind. My muscle strength was good (I'm still clumsy, though, but feel strong not weak), and my belly doesn't feel bloaty at all. I also feel completely rested with no draggy-assed feeling of needing more sleep. I did have a tiny nap of 45 minutes after work, but only slept five hours at night. This concerns me a bit as that doesn't seem like enough sleep, but we'll see.

Now, if only I could feel like this all the time.......

A little bit of history

2007-04-08T10:20:00.001-07:00

Since my late teens I have noticed my moods swing with some severity. I noticed the swings had little to do with outside influences and more to do with some kind of cycle. It only occured to me to start tracking the swinging after my sons were born in my mid-twenties. And even then, I could only think of it when I felt relatively normal, once I was too far into the Up or Down I would forget the idea of tracking. I knew that the swinging Up and Down was not normal, but really, the Ups are addictive so I saw no point in correcting that. Then the Downs were too overwhelming so I had no energy or thought process to find a reason or cure.

It was only after my marriage broke up and I started dating that I was able to get a bit of perspective on my moods. I realized that the extreme swings were greatly affecting my new man, and more importantly, my sons. I was able to see for the first time that people were walking on eggshells around me and I didn't like the way that felt. Months later I actually asked for a referral to a psychiatrist to help me understand why I felt like there was a huge chemical imbalance in my brain. I was told I'm rapid cycling bipolar and was given lithium to stabilize my moods. Now I'm experimenting a bit with the dosage so that I don't feel dead inside, but am also not uncontrolable.