Moved

I've moved! My new blog can be found at: beanspath.blogspot.com

Hobbies

We bought a new video game for the Xbox. I thought I'd hate it and that only the three men in my house would play but I love it! It's Rock Band and I'm the drummer :) Something about it I really enjoy.

I want to paint with watercolors again but I'm so tired all the time. I need to just sit down and try it, preferably when I'm alone in the house. I hate trying something new or a new technique and have other people watch and comment. I know there's nothing negative that would be said, but it's just the way I am.

The other thing I want to do is cross stitch on the diagonal. My dad did a picture of a siamese cat on the diagonal years and years ago. Of course my mom doesn't have it anymore or the pattern, so I'm going to have to figure it out from scratch. Hopefully my boyfriend will be immersed in his hobbies so I can find more time for mine. He expects me to sit and talk when he's home. Ok, it's the routine we've both developed but sometimes it drives me nuts. Sometimes I just want to read, and I tell him that and try to read. But then he just keeps talking to me anyway. I end up putting the book down.

21 December 2012

Is the world going to end in 2012? Someone at work was talking about seeing the Mayan calendar in person only to discover the last date on it was 21Dec2012. Why would the calendar end?

One theory is that the world will be in alignment with the sun, along with Saturn and Jupiter. When the sun goes through it's magnetic pole change (every eleven years, aparently) the gravitational pull will cause Earth to suffer. Such changes can already be seen in more frequent natural disasters. It's even possible that the Earth will change poles so that the North Pole will be the equater and vice versa. That would be odd. I have no idea if any of this is true, but it's interesting to think about.

Food

I'm reading a book right now - In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan - and it may explain why I'm chubby. It focuses on the idea that actual food is good for you and food product is not. Real food includes red meat, vegetables, butter, fruit, any other meat and liquid oil. Food product would be things that are made by manufacturers to resemble something you could eat, like Cheez Whiz, low-fat anything, low-carb anything and cereals. In order to make the food low-something they need to take away the 'bad' and replace it with chemical stuff. It is actually better for you to eat real stuff in moderate quantities than man-made stuff in tiny quantities. It involves actually preparing every single thing I eat.



The other issue the book discusses is nutrients. We need them, but we need them in the food they come in, not singled out and added to stuff. It's been proven over the last thirty years that we get fatter when we single out the nutrients and skip the whole food. Something to think about, anyway.

Faking it

I found myself faking it yesterday. At work, especially. I didn't have enough sleep that night and was completely unable to care one bit about anyone or how they felt. Now I know that's not the way to get along with people so instead of being bitchy and snarking at everyone, I just faked it. I smiled and laughed when I knew there was a joke. I looked sad when appropriate. Mostly I just wanted everyone to go away.

One of the ways I know I'm Up or Down is the topic of marriage. When I'm Up I'd love to marry my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him. As soon as my thinking changes in the beginnings of a Down I start thinking how I want time alone. I don't want to be anchored to one person forever. I want a house all to myself. It's interesting that I am aware of my thoughts enough to think "oh, here comes an Up" before I feel the chemical change in my brain. Now I just need to learn how to not allow my negative Down-thoughts rule the day. I need to remember that a Down is not the time to make any huge decisions.

Change in attitude

Depending on where I am in my cycle of Ups and Downs, my thinking changes. My boyfriend has been collecting photos of tall, thin women for drawing examples. On an Up I can see why he would do that and I don't take much offence at it. On a Down I was devastated that he would amass a collection of women so far from what I look like. I ended up getting very angry about it and ripping him apart. After I'd calmed down I realized I blew the whole thing out of proportion and forever altered our relationship.

I see pornography the same way, on an Up it's ok, even fun. On a Down I am envious and jealous and think all my boyfriend wants to see is other women. Same with kids, on an Up I think other people's kids are cute and loveable. I can look at them and admire them. On a Down I want them nowhere around me and become that horrible middle-aged mean woman who hates kids. They irritate me and I want to banish them from my existence. Except for my kids, I feel the same way about them no matter where in the cycle I am.

So why would my brain chemistry be so changed depending on where I am in my cycle? Has any research been done about how brain chemistry effects thinking and reasoning? Do any other people with Bipolar Disorder see such a marked difference in attitude and opinion based on how far Up or Down they are?

I realize how difficult it must be for those around me. It's hard to have friends when I go from feeling ok with something to vehemently against it the next day. And for my family, how nerve-wracking it must be to try to predict the mood I'm in and either bring up or hide specific topics.

I know all of this is indications of needing medication. But I don't want to give up the sharpness of my mind just yet. I tried lithium and it made me feel dull and emotionless. I tried the EMPowerplus but felt horribly nauseous. For now I will keep an eye on myself and be aware that I feel differently depending on my chemical levels in my brain. One thing for sure, it is an excellent indication of where I am in my cycle so I can see the big Up or Down coming.

Sleep

I am so tired. I didn't sleep well again last night. I don't know why, but most likely stress. I tossed and turned for hours before finally falling asleep in time to be jolted awake by my alarm.



It's been this way definately since Daylight Savings and the clock change. Then I thought it was the sheets so I bought more cotton jersey sheets. I wore out the old ones and had put regular broadcloth on the bed. The new sheets helped for a day or two, but now I can't sleep again. Most of the day I feel ok, not too draggy-assed. But I get home from work exhausted and have nothing left for my boyfriend or kids. I hope tonight will be a better sleep.