Faking it

I found myself faking it yesterday. At work, especially. I didn't have enough sleep that night and was completely unable to care one bit about anyone or how they felt. Now I know that's not the way to get along with people so instead of being bitchy and snarking at everyone, I just faked it. I smiled and laughed when I knew there was a joke. I looked sad when appropriate. Mostly I just wanted everyone to go away.

One of the ways I know I'm Up or Down is the topic of marriage. When I'm Up I'd love to marry my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him. As soon as my thinking changes in the beginnings of a Down I start thinking how I want time alone. I don't want to be anchored to one person forever. I want a house all to myself. It's interesting that I am aware of my thoughts enough to think "oh, here comes an Up" before I feel the chemical change in my brain. Now I just need to learn how to not allow my negative Down-thoughts rule the day. I need to remember that a Down is not the time to make any huge decisions.

Change in attitude

Depending on where I am in my cycle of Ups and Downs, my thinking changes. My boyfriend has been collecting photos of tall, thin women for drawing examples. On an Up I can see why he would do that and I don't take much offence at it. On a Down I was devastated that he would amass a collection of women so far from what I look like. I ended up getting very angry about it and ripping him apart. After I'd calmed down I realized I blew the whole thing out of proportion and forever altered our relationship.

I see pornography the same way, on an Up it's ok, even fun. On a Down I am envious and jealous and think all my boyfriend wants to see is other women. Same with kids, on an Up I think other people's kids are cute and loveable. I can look at them and admire them. On a Down I want them nowhere around me and become that horrible middle-aged mean woman who hates kids. They irritate me and I want to banish them from my existence. Except for my kids, I feel the same way about them no matter where in the cycle I am.

So why would my brain chemistry be so changed depending on where I am in my cycle? Has any research been done about how brain chemistry effects thinking and reasoning? Do any other people with Bipolar Disorder see such a marked difference in attitude and opinion based on how far Up or Down they are?

I realize how difficult it must be for those around me. It's hard to have friends when I go from feeling ok with something to vehemently against it the next day. And for my family, how nerve-wracking it must be to try to predict the mood I'm in and either bring up or hide specific topics.

I know all of this is indications of needing medication. But I don't want to give up the sharpness of my mind just yet. I tried lithium and it made me feel dull and emotionless. I tried the EMPowerplus but felt horribly nauseous. For now I will keep an eye on myself and be aware that I feel differently depending on my chemical levels in my brain. One thing for sure, it is an excellent indication of where I am in my cycle so I can see the big Up or Down coming.

Sleep

I am so tired. I didn't sleep well again last night. I don't know why, but most likely stress. I tossed and turned for hours before finally falling asleep in time to be jolted awake by my alarm.



It's been this way definately since Daylight Savings and the clock change. Then I thought it was the sheets so I bought more cotton jersey sheets. I wore out the old ones and had put regular broadcloth on the bed. The new sheets helped for a day or two, but now I can't sleep again. Most of the day I feel ok, not too draggy-assed. But I get home from work exhausted and have nothing left for my boyfriend or kids. I hope tonight will be a better sleep.

Travel

I was talking to a co-worker today who mentioned travelling after retirement. I told her I have no desire to see the world any more than I already have (really, that's not much). I find the idea of travel to be a hassle, packing everything, closing the house for the duration, getting to the destination, trying to enjoy everything with the panic that it'll be over soon. None of that sounds like fun to me. I can maybe see why some people would want a more worldly view, but bottom line, if I never travelled from this point on I don't think I'd feel like I missed much. I didn't like the sneering attitude from the worker though. Like it's wrong to not travel, wrong to want to work and wrong to be content where I am.

EMPowerPlus

I'd been trying those EMPowerPlus vitamins as a way of controlling the Bipolar Disorder, but when I increased the dosage they made me sick :( So I stopped taking them completely and am now not on any medication at all.



This is the way I have been most of my life. Usually I'm able to control things enough not to make really stupid decisions or feel suicidal, so this is the way I'm going to be doing things for a while. I know my triggers, I know when an Up or Down is coming and I know how to get through them with minimal damage. I am adept at handling all this and have been all my life.



Keep in mind I've never been hospitalized because of mania and have never had any psychotic episodes. I'm not suicidal and never have been. I think I could define my Bipolar as 'light'. Irritating, yes, severe, no. At least I know I can get another psychiatrist appointment if I need one and S is very supportive about dealing with the Bipolar in a way that keeps me comfortable.



That was the biggest thing, the medications I tried actually decreased my quality of life. Now why would I want to do that? People try to tell me that I have to take medication and deal with the side effects. But why can't the Bipolar Disorder simply be a side effect of being me that I have to deal with instead?

Chocolate Bean

I've managed to stay away from large amounts of chocolate lately....woooohoooo! Ok, I've been eating cookies, but only two a day and the odd mouthful of cake at work but not every day. But no chocolate bar or candy in the evenings!

I've dropped a little weight - down to 165 lbs. Not bad, but of course I was hoping for more :)

I had been lazy in using my Bowflex lately as well, sooooo tired after work and no time before work. I got back on it today and completed one of my routines. I felt very good at sweating and moving my body. I also dug out a yoga tape I had made for myself years ago. It's several episodes of the show Namaste. I used to be faithful in following a yoga program daily, but that fell away when I had to get a full time job because my ex left three years ago. The big thing about that is I followed the yoga with my boys in the house. When I first started yoga eight years ago I didn't tell a soul I was doing it. I was afraid of being ridiculed and then not having the confidence to do it anymore. So I waited until I was sure I would keep practicing yoga even if people made fun of me (they did, and I kept on). Even then I would only do it in an empty house or when the dayhome kids were napping. No one to watch or leer. So doing it with my boys in the house opened me up to the possibility of them scoffing and making fun. As it was, they didn't even come out of their rooms. At least I know I can do it with them in the house and I have the confidence to keep going no matter what they say. Not saying they would tease me, but I am super-over-ridiculously sensitive to even the most innocent of comments because of how I was raised.

I feel good when I exercise and feel like my body is healthy :)

Bipolar Budget

I was re-adjusting the budget and explaining it to S, when he said "you are very bipolar with the budget aren't you". That statement took me by surprised and I actually felt a bit offended, until I saw he was right.

The way I've done the budget for the past, ummm, 18 years, was to figure out how much I wanted to spend in each catagory and budget that amount. I would then figure that if the incoming money came short of the outgoing money we would just find it 'somewhere'. Usually the money does appear, from overtime or comissions or GST rebates or whatever.

S's comment made me look hard at the actual numbers I was putting into Excel and I saw that the outgoing amounts were four hundred dollars more than the incoming! So I re-did the numbers to put smaller payments on the credit cards and other debt and now the incoming is a tad more than the outgoing. The sucky thing is at that pace it will take two years to pay off all of the debts, not including S's student loans. At least it's realistic now.

And, I wanted to buy a new couch soooooooooo badly, but then really heard my sons say their mattresses were crap. I sat on their beds and my butt was greeted with lumpy springs and sagging edges. So now any money not budgeting in (commissions, GST, overtime) will go into a savings account and the first thing we will buy will be two mattress/box spring sets for the boys. Then a couch :)

Sigh. I've been trying to get out of debt for 18 years. Hopefully I'm mature enough to have learned my lessons and will finally pay it off. Luckily, S feels the same way I do.

My huge goal is to build a house, but that won't happen until my boys move out. At least the rent here is cheap, it makes everything else easier.