I am so sick of owing money to credit cards and crap. I have owed money since around 1990 and none of it is 'good debt' like a house or investment loans. I don't own my house, I rent, and I want to build a house one day. First, I have to get out of debt.
As of right now S and I owe $20,555 and some change. When I met him I had debt left over from my marriage of about $5000, the rest is his. He also has student loans to pay off, it is not included in the above amount.
I made a deal with S after watching our spending for a year. We were putting $1500/month on the debts but only $500/month was being credited because we were spending $1000/month on the cards! I figured we would be lost without a firm goal in mind so we agreed that if we get the debt down to $14,000 by August of this year........we could buy a new couch! Now I know it's silly to accrue more debt as a reward, but I'm so sick of my ex-mother-in-law's couch in my house and I never seem to have the money to replace it. So. Knowing that the only way to get a new couch is to pay off a bunch of debt is quite the motivating factor for me. With S, well, he doesn't like debt, but I'm the one staring at the budget every month and arranging payments. Not that he doesn't help sometimes, but I prefer to do it all myself.
I can't wait for a new couch!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Chocolate Diary
So, I must not have read what I typed the other day about chocolate. I indeed had a chocolate doughnut that evening with a couple of chocolate chip cookies. The day after I had just two chocolate cookies and a tiny bit of chocolate at work. Yesterday I had a teeny pinch of chocolate chunk at work and today I had a cookie and a bite of chocolate caramel cake at work. So I'm not completely off chocolate. I haven't had my evening candy though! I'm proud of myself for that. It is the most difficult to give up - I have been having an evening chocolate bar/candy for most of my adult life.
Stupidly, the chocolate I've been eating has been mostly unconscious. I don't realize what I'm doing until I'm chewing it already. I definately need to watch that. What else have I been putting in my mouth in the way of food without being aware of it, I wonder?
I can do this, I really can :) The panic is starting to subside, but it's still there.
Stupidly, the chocolate I've been eating has been mostly unconscious. I don't realize what I'm doing until I'm chewing it already. I definately need to watch that. What else have I been putting in my mouth in the way of food without being aware of it, I wonder?
I can do this, I really can :) The panic is starting to subside, but it's still there.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Chocolate
So. I've realized one of the reasons I've gained so much weight in the last year and a bit.
When my ex-husband left I lost about 10 pounds without even trying, then took off a bit more and got down to about 130 lbs. I was no longer living with constant worry and aggrivation so I didn't feel the need to eat chocolate so much. I also didn't have to worry about feeding him (he would frequently ask what was for dinner, and if he didn't like it, he wouldn't eat with the boys and me) so I would just make whatever I wanted to eat.
Enter S. My ex had been gone for a little over a year and I was just really getting used to living without another adult in the house. I remember the day - we were settling in to watch TV and I felt uncomfortable so I went and got some chocolate. Even though it made me feel a bit sick and icky to eat the whole thing I did anyway. I never addressed why I felt uncomfortable and instead went into the habit of eating chocolate every single night.
Now, I am a chocoholic. I have had chocolate in my life for as long as I can remember. I tell people that growing up my allowance was 50 cents and I would spend half on a comic book and half on a chocolate bar. As I got older I would buy more and more chocolate, eat it, feel guilty, eat more, feel powerless, eat more and feel hopeless. So the concept of daily chocolate intake was not unheard of to me.
The difference is, in the year I was separated with no significant other, I had no problem staying away from chocolate. I felt good about myself and could easily give it up. Now I have S and although I love him dearly, I eat chocolate every day, and it's difficult for me to get through the evening without M&Ms. Do you know how many calories are in those little bits of chocolate? Good lord I was shocked to discover I was eating an additional 600 calories a day just in chocolate.
This is all leading up to me saying out loud - well, typing for unknown masses to read - that I am going to give up my evening chocolate. I will do what I can to change my eating habits during the rest of the day (just make better choices, really) after I have a handle on the chocolate thing. For now, I'll change nothing else. I weigh about 170 lbs right now (yikes!) and if I'm right, getting rid of the chocolate alone should shed a fair bit of weight. The trick is going to be not replacing the chocolate with some other food. I've also taken to drinking tea most nights since S came into this house, with lots of milk and sugar. So I'll be cutting that out soon, too. But first I must tackle the Demon and it's name is Chocolate.
I'm starting to panic already.
When my ex-husband left I lost about 10 pounds without even trying, then took off a bit more and got down to about 130 lbs. I was no longer living with constant worry and aggrivation so I didn't feel the need to eat chocolate so much. I also didn't have to worry about feeding him (he would frequently ask what was for dinner, and if he didn't like it, he wouldn't eat with the boys and me) so I would just make whatever I wanted to eat.
Enter S. My ex had been gone for a little over a year and I was just really getting used to living without another adult in the house. I remember the day - we were settling in to watch TV and I felt uncomfortable so I went and got some chocolate. Even though it made me feel a bit sick and icky to eat the whole thing I did anyway. I never addressed why I felt uncomfortable and instead went into the habit of eating chocolate every single night.
Now, I am a chocoholic. I have had chocolate in my life for as long as I can remember. I tell people that growing up my allowance was 50 cents and I would spend half on a comic book and half on a chocolate bar. As I got older I would buy more and more chocolate, eat it, feel guilty, eat more, feel powerless, eat more and feel hopeless. So the concept of daily chocolate intake was not unheard of to me.
The difference is, in the year I was separated with no significant other, I had no problem staying away from chocolate. I felt good about myself and could easily give it up. Now I have S and although I love him dearly, I eat chocolate every day, and it's difficult for me to get through the evening without M&Ms. Do you know how many calories are in those little bits of chocolate? Good lord I was shocked to discover I was eating an additional 600 calories a day just in chocolate.
This is all leading up to me saying out loud - well, typing for unknown masses to read - that I am going to give up my evening chocolate. I will do what I can to change my eating habits during the rest of the day (just make better choices, really) after I have a handle on the chocolate thing. For now, I'll change nothing else. I weigh about 170 lbs right now (yikes!) and if I'm right, getting rid of the chocolate alone should shed a fair bit of weight. The trick is going to be not replacing the chocolate with some other food. I've also taken to drinking tea most nights since S came into this house, with lots of milk and sugar. So I'll be cutting that out soon, too. But first I must tackle the Demon and it's name is Chocolate.
I'm starting to panic already.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Beautiful day and EMPowerplus
Today was such a beautiful day :) The sun was out and warm on my skin and actual puddles were forming in the edges of the snow.
I went back to work today after being off for a week because my daddy died, and I was surprised at how dry the streets were. I live in northern Alberta, Canada and it's unusual to have dry pavement in February. It is usually still very cold and snowy. So the warm sun, dry dusty - actually dusty! - roads and damp smell of melting snow was a delight to be had. I needed to run some errands after work so I included washing my car first and stayed away from the edges of the road wherever possible so my car could stay shiny and clean for more than a day.
I think (ok, I know) that I bounced Up again. I didn't sleep at all last night. Well, maybe an hour or two - I forced myself to stay in bed and keep my eyes closed - but I was up frequently to pee and felt like I hadn't slept a wink. Then I went to work and was able to go into hyperspeed at some points without feeling tired. I left work feeling very energetic so I washed my car and did errands before coming home and working out on my Bowflex. After a shower I forced myself to sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Otherwise I was sure I'd crash later this evening. I may have had an hour's nap.
The Down was only just on Monday. The boys had it off school (Family Day) and I was still off work. S's SAD lamp came on and simulated sunrise, which just pissed me off. I was fully awake long before I felt like I should be. And I can't convince my brain that the fake sunlight is real, it knows and my body knows that it is fake and still wants the dark morning. So I tried to lay down in the living room listening to the loud hum of computers and my older son getting up to find a dvd. I went to the basement and sat on the Bowflex for about a half an hour to try to get myself less angry. It didn't work. I spent my day seriously irritated, and by the time S got off work I was falling helplessly into the Down. I sat on the couch and stared at the wall for over an hour and a half waiting for bedtime. I knew if I went to bed too early I'd be up waaaaay too early. I was not capable of conversation and resented the entire world for making me have to deal with it.
I thought that was just me grieving my daddy, but in light of today's good mood and lack of sleep, I'm thinking it's more to do with Bipolar. So this proves to me that the EMPowerplus vitamins aren't working as a medication alternative. Keeping in mind I'm supposed to take 15 capsules a day and have been taking 4. They are expensive. I can sympathize with people in the USA for having to pay for medication without coverage. Anyway, I'll up the dose to about 9 a day and see how that goes. I really want to avoid chemical medications, so I should make a better go at this then I have been.
Oh - and I saw actual grass today! Ok, dead, yellow grass, but grass nevertheless! I wonder if Mother Nature is just teasing me, will spring be early or are we in for a major snow dumpage and cold front?
I went back to work today after being off for a week because my daddy died, and I was surprised at how dry the streets were. I live in northern Alberta, Canada and it's unusual to have dry pavement in February. It is usually still very cold and snowy. So the warm sun, dry dusty - actually dusty! - roads and damp smell of melting snow was a delight to be had. I needed to run some errands after work so I included washing my car first and stayed away from the edges of the road wherever possible so my car could stay shiny and clean for more than a day.
I think (ok, I know) that I bounced Up again. I didn't sleep at all last night. Well, maybe an hour or two - I forced myself to stay in bed and keep my eyes closed - but I was up frequently to pee and felt like I hadn't slept a wink. Then I went to work and was able to go into hyperspeed at some points without feeling tired. I left work feeling very energetic so I washed my car and did errands before coming home and working out on my Bowflex. After a shower I forced myself to sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Otherwise I was sure I'd crash later this evening. I may have had an hour's nap.
The Down was only just on Monday. The boys had it off school (Family Day) and I was still off work. S's SAD lamp came on and simulated sunrise, which just pissed me off. I was fully awake long before I felt like I should be. And I can't convince my brain that the fake sunlight is real, it knows and my body knows that it is fake and still wants the dark morning. So I tried to lay down in the living room listening to the loud hum of computers and my older son getting up to find a dvd. I went to the basement and sat on the Bowflex for about a half an hour to try to get myself less angry. It didn't work. I spent my day seriously irritated, and by the time S got off work I was falling helplessly into the Down. I sat on the couch and stared at the wall for over an hour and a half waiting for bedtime. I knew if I went to bed too early I'd be up waaaaay too early. I was not capable of conversation and resented the entire world for making me have to deal with it.
I thought that was just me grieving my daddy, but in light of today's good mood and lack of sleep, I'm thinking it's more to do with Bipolar. So this proves to me that the EMPowerplus vitamins aren't working as a medication alternative. Keeping in mind I'm supposed to take 15 capsules a day and have been taking 4. They are expensive. I can sympathize with people in the USA for having to pay for medication without coverage. Anyway, I'll up the dose to about 9 a day and see how that goes. I really want to avoid chemical medications, so I should make a better go at this then I have been.
Oh - and I saw actual grass today! Ok, dead, yellow grass, but grass nevertheless! I wonder if Mother Nature is just teasing me, will spring be early or are we in for a major snow dumpage and cold front?
Friday, February 15, 2008
My daddy
My dad had surgery on O8Feb. I don't remember the name of the proceedure but it was to replace the arteries from the aorta all the way down to the femorals. The surgery was a success, for the first time in something like nine years he had good circulation to his hands and feet.
Twenty five years ago he suffered a major heart attack, permanently damaging the back and underside of his heart. During the surgery he appeared to have a heart attack but the anastesiologist thought he got it under control. There is an enzyme called troponin that measures the extent of damage to the heart after a heart attack. The troponin levels peak at some point and an assessment can be made as to the damage from the attack. My dad's troponin levels started to elevate immediately after the surgery indicating a heart attack. It must have been massive as the troponin levels continued to rise until his death on Wed 13Feb.
The doctor said the damage to the heart was so massive that if he actually lived through it he would need a heart transplant. But there was no possible way he would even get on the list as his entire vascular system was clogged or hardened from 50 years of smoking. So my mom decided to pull him off the life support he was on so he could die in peace. His heart beat for two and a half hours after the life support was removed, then he finally stopped breathing and let go.
My two sisters and my mom were with him right up until the end but I couldn't be there. I just didn't want to see him actually die. I had the opportunity to say goodbye before the surgery and after. I had some alone time with him before the life support was pulled and made sure to tell him that the very best of him is in me and will live on. My dad's only surviving relative other than us was his sister. She chose not to be there as well because she and my mom have never gotten along. Even when I did go into my dad's room after the life support was taken away I made a comment to my dad about his sister - that he would see her in eternity at some point. (My dad's sister raised him, she is eight years older and their parents were absent much of the time, so she was also a mother figure to him, they had an incredibly special and tight bond) My mom and sisters made rude comments then about how she won't be going to the same place as daddy, that she will go somewhere awful. They said this with my dad dying in the bed in the same room. Talk about no tact.
I feel very separate from my family at the moment. Daddy's favorite was me and he was mine. No surviving member of the family has called me to see if I'm ok, nobody has included me in any decisions to be made or preparations that need to happen. Nobody has asked me to help with anything.
My mom has threatened suicide as one way of dealing with all of this. Not to me personally, but to my older sister. I suspect that because both my sisters do not live in the same city as my mom and I that I will be the one expected to keep an eye on her. This is a burden I do not want. My mom has tried to kill herself thirteen times that I know of since 2001. I only ask that if she tries again she does it right. No suicidal gestures for attention or half-assed attempts. Enough. I don't have it in me to go through all that again. She was abusive to me when I was growing up. She didn't ever seem to really like me or love me no matter how much I tried to be lovable. No matter what I did it wasn't ever right or enough. I'm done. I don't do it anymore. And I don't want the responsibility of keeping her alive. Let it rest with my sisters.
Rest in peace daddy, I love you forever.
Twenty five years ago he suffered a major heart attack, permanently damaging the back and underside of his heart. During the surgery he appeared to have a heart attack but the anastesiologist thought he got it under control. There is an enzyme called troponin that measures the extent of damage to the heart after a heart attack. The troponin levels peak at some point and an assessment can be made as to the damage from the attack. My dad's troponin levels started to elevate immediately after the surgery indicating a heart attack. It must have been massive as the troponin levels continued to rise until his death on Wed 13Feb.
The doctor said the damage to the heart was so massive that if he actually lived through it he would need a heart transplant. But there was no possible way he would even get on the list as his entire vascular system was clogged or hardened from 50 years of smoking. So my mom decided to pull him off the life support he was on so he could die in peace. His heart beat for two and a half hours after the life support was removed, then he finally stopped breathing and let go.
My two sisters and my mom were with him right up until the end but I couldn't be there. I just didn't want to see him actually die. I had the opportunity to say goodbye before the surgery and after. I had some alone time with him before the life support was pulled and made sure to tell him that the very best of him is in me and will live on. My dad's only surviving relative other than us was his sister. She chose not to be there as well because she and my mom have never gotten along. Even when I did go into my dad's room after the life support was taken away I made a comment to my dad about his sister - that he would see her in eternity at some point. (My dad's sister raised him, she is eight years older and their parents were absent much of the time, so she was also a mother figure to him, they had an incredibly special and tight bond) My mom and sisters made rude comments then about how she won't be going to the same place as daddy, that she will go somewhere awful. They said this with my dad dying in the bed in the same room. Talk about no tact.
I feel very separate from my family at the moment. Daddy's favorite was me and he was mine. No surviving member of the family has called me to see if I'm ok, nobody has included me in any decisions to be made or preparations that need to happen. Nobody has asked me to help with anything.
My mom has threatened suicide as one way of dealing with all of this. Not to me personally, but to my older sister. I suspect that because both my sisters do not live in the same city as my mom and I that I will be the one expected to keep an eye on her. This is a burden I do not want. My mom has tried to kill herself thirteen times that I know of since 2001. I only ask that if she tries again she does it right. No suicidal gestures for attention or half-assed attempts. Enough. I don't have it in me to go through all that again. She was abusive to me when I was growing up. She didn't ever seem to really like me or love me no matter how much I tried to be lovable. No matter what I did it wasn't ever right or enough. I'm done. I don't do it anymore. And I don't want the responsibility of keeping her alive. Let it rest with my sisters.
Rest in peace daddy, I love you forever.
Monday, January 28, 2008
I am so glad this day is almost over...
...last night in order to be ready for work I started my car at 10:30pm. My car wouldn't start so I plugged it in, luckily it started in the morning. When I got out to my car I realized the reason it wouldn't start was because S didn't completely turn it off when he moved it to shovel the driveway.
So, I drove to work in the horrible wind and new dumpage of snow (it was -40 C with the wind chill) very carefully. I turned into the road I usually take around the corner from work and promptly got stuck. It took a half an hour of holding on my cell to get a representative from AMA to tell me it would be two or three hours to get a winch truck. I asked if I can leave my car and return to it when the AMA truck appears, they said yes and they'd call me on my cell when the truck is there. So I called S and asked him to pick me up, drive me to work, wait for me, drive me to my car and make sure I parked it ok at work. Amazingly, he said no problem. I hung up and burst into tears. Cried big heaving sobs for a while and calmed down by the time S arrived. I went to work and did as much as possible while waiting for the phone to ring. As soon as it did I told the driver I would be there in five minutes as I'm at work just around the corner. He said he may not be able to wait. I told him just five minutes - literally - and was there is four minutes. By then the driver had left. I knew there was an AMA outlet near work and asked S to drive me there to see about getting a truck from there, after turning three corners I saw the flashing orange lights of an AMA truck and we went towards them. I hopped out of the car to find out they were servicing another car, not mine. I asked the driver when my truck would be there, it turns out he had the order wrong and as soon as he finished with that car he went to my car. He pulled me out successfully.....as S stayed in his car to make sure everything went ok. Then S got stuck. The driver refused to help S as he was at least four hours backed up in calls. So I got back to work all right and found out later that a passing truck helped S out of the snowmound using a tow rope. S also made it to work ok.
That was about the absolute limit of my capabilities in dealing with stress. I had been holding it together for the last few days and that was it. I don't cry. I'm not a crier. And there I was sitting in my car bawling first thing in the morning.
Now, what precipitated this was last Wednesday my younger son had stomachache and stayed home from school. When I got off work I asked him how he felt and he said ok, but the pain moved to the lower right part of the abdomen. Well now I suspected that was appendicitis. Off to the emergency room we went and sat for hours to find out that I was right, it was appendicitis. And just to complicate things, the emergency room we went to no longer handles pediatric surgery so we had to drive to a different hospital and go through the whole thing again. By 1:30 am we were shown to a room where we spent the night awaiting surgery first thing in the morning.
We were told about three times between 6:30 am and 10:45 am that he would be going to surgery "within the hour". He finally went at 11 am. He was back to his room by 1 pm and looking good. He was eating solid food, peeing, drinking and passing gas all by 7 pm. The next morning the surgeon came by and said he could leave Saturday. My son was going bonkers from no rest in the hospital and boredom (although the tv was free, normally you pay but not in pediatrics) so when the surgeon came back in mid afternoon I asked if he could go home early. The surgeon was reluctant, but let him go. My son had his clothes on and was leaving the ward before I had the papers signed. Since then he's done very well and is healing quickly.
So the Saturday I left my younger son with S while I took my older son to his Robotics competition. They made robots out of Lego and had to perform tasks with it, the finalist was to go to Atlanta, Georgia for the World's. His team didn't win the big prize but they were pleased with their results. That took all stinking day. No rest for me.
On top of all of this is my dad. He is having surgery on 08Feb to replace his femoral arteries as they are blocked (his carotids are blocked as well - completely - and his body built 'collaterals' to keep the blood flowing). He has a 50% chance of dying on the table during the surgery, but if he doesn't have it he will lose his feet.
My older sister is stressing that he could die and that I need to tell him I love him and all that. I see her reasoning, but I'm not going to think that way. If he dies I will deal with it, but I would rather focus on him living. So, lots of stress there.
After work my car decided not to start again. I started it three hours earlier and it was ok, but now it wouldn't start. A boost didn't help at all so I got an extention cord and plugged it in for almost an hour. I managed to get the car started (barely) and I think I may have almost flooded the engine, but I got home.
Now I've had a hot shower and changed into clean, warm clothes. I feel better, and I hope tomorrow is a lot better.
So, I drove to work in the horrible wind and new dumpage of snow (it was -40 C with the wind chill) very carefully. I turned into the road I usually take around the corner from work and promptly got stuck. It took a half an hour of holding on my cell to get a representative from AMA to tell me it would be two or three hours to get a winch truck. I asked if I can leave my car and return to it when the AMA truck appears, they said yes and they'd call me on my cell when the truck is there. So I called S and asked him to pick me up, drive me to work, wait for me, drive me to my car and make sure I parked it ok at work. Amazingly, he said no problem. I hung up and burst into tears. Cried big heaving sobs for a while and calmed down by the time S arrived. I went to work and did as much as possible while waiting for the phone to ring. As soon as it did I told the driver I would be there in five minutes as I'm at work just around the corner. He said he may not be able to wait. I told him just five minutes - literally - and was there is four minutes. By then the driver had left. I knew there was an AMA outlet near work and asked S to drive me there to see about getting a truck from there, after turning three corners I saw the flashing orange lights of an AMA truck and we went towards them. I hopped out of the car to find out they were servicing another car, not mine. I asked the driver when my truck would be there, it turns out he had the order wrong and as soon as he finished with that car he went to my car. He pulled me out successfully.....as S stayed in his car to make sure everything went ok. Then S got stuck. The driver refused to help S as he was at least four hours backed up in calls. So I got back to work all right and found out later that a passing truck helped S out of the snowmound using a tow rope. S also made it to work ok.
That was about the absolute limit of my capabilities in dealing with stress. I had been holding it together for the last few days and that was it. I don't cry. I'm not a crier. And there I was sitting in my car bawling first thing in the morning.
Now, what precipitated this was last Wednesday my younger son had stomachache and stayed home from school. When I got off work I asked him how he felt and he said ok, but the pain moved to the lower right part of the abdomen. Well now I suspected that was appendicitis. Off to the emergency room we went and sat for hours to find out that I was right, it was appendicitis. And just to complicate things, the emergency room we went to no longer handles pediatric surgery so we had to drive to a different hospital and go through the whole thing again. By 1:30 am we were shown to a room where we spent the night awaiting surgery first thing in the morning.
We were told about three times between 6:30 am and 10:45 am that he would be going to surgery "within the hour". He finally went at 11 am. He was back to his room by 1 pm and looking good. He was eating solid food, peeing, drinking and passing gas all by 7 pm. The next morning the surgeon came by and said he could leave Saturday. My son was going bonkers from no rest in the hospital and boredom (although the tv was free, normally you pay but not in pediatrics) so when the surgeon came back in mid afternoon I asked if he could go home early. The surgeon was reluctant, but let him go. My son had his clothes on and was leaving the ward before I had the papers signed. Since then he's done very well and is healing quickly.
So the Saturday I left my younger son with S while I took my older son to his Robotics competition. They made robots out of Lego and had to perform tasks with it, the finalist was to go to Atlanta, Georgia for the World's. His team didn't win the big prize but they were pleased with their results. That took all stinking day. No rest for me.
On top of all of this is my dad. He is having surgery on 08Feb to replace his femoral arteries as they are blocked (his carotids are blocked as well - completely - and his body built 'collaterals' to keep the blood flowing). He has a 50% chance of dying on the table during the surgery, but if he doesn't have it he will lose his feet.
My older sister is stressing that he could die and that I need to tell him I love him and all that. I see her reasoning, but I'm not going to think that way. If he dies I will deal with it, but I would rather focus on him living. So, lots of stress there.
After work my car decided not to start again. I started it three hours earlier and it was ok, but now it wouldn't start. A boost didn't help at all so I got an extention cord and plugged it in for almost an hour. I managed to get the car started (barely) and I think I may have almost flooded the engine, but I got home.
Now I've had a hot shower and changed into clean, warm clothes. I feel better, and I hope tomorrow is a lot better.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Fat and Cheek Hugs
It's a new year and I've been using my new Bowflex for almost two weeks. I weighed myself to find ------------- I'm bigger than I ever have been! I weigh 169 lbs and I'm only 4'11"!!!! What the Hell is going on there!?!? This explains why the band of my bra has been digging in, why my jeans feel too tight, why my undies feel like they are strangling me. The only time I have been fatter than this is when I gave birth to my oldest son, I was 174 lbs. Fattest non-pregnant weight besides today was 164 lbs and it was seven months after my first pregnancy.
Ok, I've been bored and eating a lot of junk. Bored and uncomfortable. I was fully rested after four days away from work and didn't feel like I needed any more time off. Now I have another week to go before work starts up again. Part of the reason for boredom, I think, is that I like to feel useful or important and right now I feel a bit useless and cast adrift. I don't really have any hobbies, except reading and tv, and don't know what I'd like to learn. I don't have a lot of disposable income to just buy something to try either. I think if I had a plan I'd've felt better. During my week off in the summer I painted the boys' bedrooms to keep busy and it worked, I felt rested but active. I would paint now but I live in northern Alberta and it's too cold outside for paint to properly stick to inside walls in the winter. Or at least, that's why my mom didn't ever paint in the winter.
There was a comment on my blog about painting for boredom relief and when I went to her blog she said she's a photography buff. I like taking pictures, maybe I should just grab my digital camera and go for a walk while the weather's not bad (It can get to -35 C here and I don't know if it would be good to freeze the camera by taking it outside). Hmmmmmmm. Definately worth a try.
Anyway, I digress. Or, I avoid talking about why I'm increasing my size. Whichever.
When I met S a year and a half ago I was only 132 lbs, so I've put on 37 freaking pounds in that time. Part of it is because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my ex so I worry all the time about stuff. Part of it is because I don't really know who I am enough to be someone different than S's girlfriend when he's around. Part of it is because I have this twisted idea that I have to be who S wants me to be, not who I actually am (that comes from having a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder - I always had to be who she needed me to be. I don't remember having an identity until my marriage broke up three years ago. I was always the person someone else needed me to be. I grew up with only private interests, never pursued them for fear of ridicule and being someone other than the image the person needed to see. If I had interests then I would start to become my own person and that was too scary). Part of it is also really bad eating habits. Before S moved in I was eating when I was hungry - frequently having dinner at 4:30 pm when the boys and I were hungry. Now I wait until 6:30 pm for S to get home, in the meantime I starve myself to make sure I'm hungry for dinner, then gorge myself and go to bed shortly after.
So, the biggest changes I'm going to make are no longer waiting for S to be home on weekdays to eat dinner. That way I'm eating when I'm hungry so I don't overdo it (remember, my day starts at 5 am at work, so dinner at 4:30 pm isn't too odd). And I will cultivate a new interest or two. I do like photography and I have a camera, no excuses there. I have already taken up yoga again (I loved it for a while but gave it up when my marriage dissolved) and I've been playing with watercolor pencils in an effort to renew my interest in drawing and art. So wish me luck! Only good luck please :)
On another note, my youngest gave me a hug today and did something he hasn't done for such a long time. He gave me a cheek hug :) This is where he's hugging me and presses his cheek against mine and holds it there for a while, moving a bit to find the right spot on my cheek with his cheek. I'd forgotten about these hugs as he hasn't given me one for such a long time. Nothing like a cheek hug to make my day :)
Ok, I've been bored and eating a lot of junk. Bored and uncomfortable. I was fully rested after four days away from work and didn't feel like I needed any more time off. Now I have another week to go before work starts up again. Part of the reason for boredom, I think, is that I like to feel useful or important and right now I feel a bit useless and cast adrift. I don't really have any hobbies, except reading and tv, and don't know what I'd like to learn. I don't have a lot of disposable income to just buy something to try either. I think if I had a plan I'd've felt better. During my week off in the summer I painted the boys' bedrooms to keep busy and it worked, I felt rested but active. I would paint now but I live in northern Alberta and it's too cold outside for paint to properly stick to inside walls in the winter. Or at least, that's why my mom didn't ever paint in the winter.
There was a comment on my blog about painting for boredom relief and when I went to her blog she said she's a photography buff. I like taking pictures, maybe I should just grab my digital camera and go for a walk while the weather's not bad (It can get to -35 C here and I don't know if it would be good to freeze the camera by taking it outside). Hmmmmmmm. Definately worth a try.
Anyway, I digress. Or, I avoid talking about why I'm increasing my size. Whichever.
When I met S a year and a half ago I was only 132 lbs, so I've put on 37 freaking pounds in that time. Part of it is because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my ex so I worry all the time about stuff. Part of it is because I don't really know who I am enough to be someone different than S's girlfriend when he's around. Part of it is because I have this twisted idea that I have to be who S wants me to be, not who I actually am (that comes from having a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder - I always had to be who she needed me to be. I don't remember having an identity until my marriage broke up three years ago. I was always the person someone else needed me to be. I grew up with only private interests, never pursued them for fear of ridicule and being someone other than the image the person needed to see. If I had interests then I would start to become my own person and that was too scary). Part of it is also really bad eating habits. Before S moved in I was eating when I was hungry - frequently having dinner at 4:30 pm when the boys and I were hungry. Now I wait until 6:30 pm for S to get home, in the meantime I starve myself to make sure I'm hungry for dinner, then gorge myself and go to bed shortly after.
So, the biggest changes I'm going to make are no longer waiting for S to be home on weekdays to eat dinner. That way I'm eating when I'm hungry so I don't overdo it (remember, my day starts at 5 am at work, so dinner at 4:30 pm isn't too odd). And I will cultivate a new interest or two. I do like photography and I have a camera, no excuses there. I have already taken up yoga again (I loved it for a while but gave it up when my marriage dissolved) and I've been playing with watercolor pencils in an effort to renew my interest in drawing and art. So wish me luck! Only good luck please :)
On another note, my youngest gave me a hug today and did something he hasn't done for such a long time. He gave me a cheek hug :) This is where he's hugging me and presses his cheek against mine and holds it there for a while, moving a bit to find the right spot on my cheek with his cheek. I'd forgotten about these hugs as he hasn't given me one for such a long time. Nothing like a cheek hug to make my day :)
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