...last night in order to be ready for work I started my car at 10:30pm. My car wouldn't start so I plugged it in, luckily it started in the morning. When I got out to my car I realized the reason it wouldn't start was because S didn't completely turn it off when he moved it to shovel the driveway.
So, I drove to work in the horrible wind and new dumpage of snow (it was -40 C with the wind chill) very carefully. I turned into the road I usually take around the corner from work and promptly got stuck. It took a half an hour of holding on my cell to get a representative from AMA to tell me it would be two or three hours to get a winch truck. I asked if I can leave my car and return to it when the AMA truck appears, they said yes and they'd call me on my cell when the truck is there. So I called S and asked him to pick me up, drive me to work, wait for me, drive me to my car and make sure I parked it ok at work. Amazingly, he said no problem. I hung up and burst into tears. Cried big heaving sobs for a while and calmed down by the time S arrived. I went to work and did as much as possible while waiting for the phone to ring. As soon as it did I told the driver I would be there in five minutes as I'm at work just around the corner. He said he may not be able to wait. I told him just five minutes - literally - and was there is four minutes. By then the driver had left. I knew there was an AMA outlet near work and asked S to drive me there to see about getting a truck from there, after turning three corners I saw the flashing orange lights of an AMA truck and we went towards them. I hopped out of the car to find out they were servicing another car, not mine. I asked the driver when my truck would be there, it turns out he had the order wrong and as soon as he finished with that car he went to my car. He pulled me out successfully.....as S stayed in his car to make sure everything went ok. Then S got stuck. The driver refused to help S as he was at least four hours backed up in calls. So I got back to work all right and found out later that a passing truck helped S out of the snowmound using a tow rope. S also made it to work ok.
That was about the absolute limit of my capabilities in dealing with stress. I had been holding it together for the last few days and that was it. I don't cry. I'm not a crier. And there I was sitting in my car bawling first thing in the morning.
Now, what precipitated this was last Wednesday my younger son had stomachache and stayed home from school. When I got off work I asked him how he felt and he said ok, but the pain moved to the lower right part of the abdomen. Well now I suspected that was appendicitis. Off to the emergency room we went and sat for hours to find out that I was right, it was appendicitis. And just to complicate things, the emergency room we went to no longer handles pediatric surgery so we had to drive to a different hospital and go through the whole thing again. By 1:30 am we were shown to a room where we spent the night awaiting surgery first thing in the morning.
We were told about three times between 6:30 am and 10:45 am that he would be going to surgery "within the hour". He finally went at 11 am. He was back to his room by 1 pm and looking good. He was eating solid food, peeing, drinking and passing gas all by 7 pm. The next morning the surgeon came by and said he could leave Saturday. My son was going bonkers from no rest in the hospital and boredom (although the tv was free, normally you pay but not in pediatrics) so when the surgeon came back in mid afternoon I asked if he could go home early. The surgeon was reluctant, but let him go. My son had his clothes on and was leaving the ward before I had the papers signed. Since then he's done very well and is healing quickly.
So the Saturday I left my younger son with S while I took my older son to his Robotics competition. They made robots out of Lego and had to perform tasks with it, the finalist was to go to Atlanta, Georgia for the World's. His team didn't win the big prize but they were pleased with their results. That took all stinking day. No rest for me.
On top of all of this is my dad. He is having surgery on 08Feb to replace his femoral arteries as they are blocked (his carotids are blocked as well - completely - and his body built 'collaterals' to keep the blood flowing). He has a 50% chance of dying on the table during the surgery, but if he doesn't have it he will lose his feet.
My older sister is stressing that he could die and that I need to tell him I love him and all that. I see her reasoning, but I'm not going to think that way. If he dies I will deal with it, but I would rather focus on him living. So, lots of stress there.
After work my car decided not to start again. I started it three hours earlier and it was ok, but now it wouldn't start. A boost didn't help at all so I got an extention cord and plugged it in for almost an hour. I managed to get the car started (barely) and I think I may have almost flooded the engine, but I got home.
Now I've had a hot shower and changed into clean, warm clothes. I feel better, and I hope tomorrow is a lot better.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Fat and Cheek Hugs
It's a new year and I've been using my new Bowflex for almost two weeks. I weighed myself to find ------------- I'm bigger than I ever have been! I weigh 169 lbs and I'm only 4'11"!!!! What the Hell is going on there!?!? This explains why the band of my bra has been digging in, why my jeans feel too tight, why my undies feel like they are strangling me. The only time I have been fatter than this is when I gave birth to my oldest son, I was 174 lbs. Fattest non-pregnant weight besides today was 164 lbs and it was seven months after my first pregnancy.
Ok, I've been bored and eating a lot of junk. Bored and uncomfortable. I was fully rested after four days away from work and didn't feel like I needed any more time off. Now I have another week to go before work starts up again. Part of the reason for boredom, I think, is that I like to feel useful or important and right now I feel a bit useless and cast adrift. I don't really have any hobbies, except reading and tv, and don't know what I'd like to learn. I don't have a lot of disposable income to just buy something to try either. I think if I had a plan I'd've felt better. During my week off in the summer I painted the boys' bedrooms to keep busy and it worked, I felt rested but active. I would paint now but I live in northern Alberta and it's too cold outside for paint to properly stick to inside walls in the winter. Or at least, that's why my mom didn't ever paint in the winter.
There was a comment on my blog about painting for boredom relief and when I went to her blog she said she's a photography buff. I like taking pictures, maybe I should just grab my digital camera and go for a walk while the weather's not bad (It can get to -35 C here and I don't know if it would be good to freeze the camera by taking it outside). Hmmmmmmm. Definately worth a try.
Anyway, I digress. Or, I avoid talking about why I'm increasing my size. Whichever.
When I met S a year and a half ago I was only 132 lbs, so I've put on 37 freaking pounds in that time. Part of it is because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my ex so I worry all the time about stuff. Part of it is because I don't really know who I am enough to be someone different than S's girlfriend when he's around. Part of it is because I have this twisted idea that I have to be who S wants me to be, not who I actually am (that comes from having a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder - I always had to be who she needed me to be. I don't remember having an identity until my marriage broke up three years ago. I was always the person someone else needed me to be. I grew up with only private interests, never pursued them for fear of ridicule and being someone other than the image the person needed to see. If I had interests then I would start to become my own person and that was too scary). Part of it is also really bad eating habits. Before S moved in I was eating when I was hungry - frequently having dinner at 4:30 pm when the boys and I were hungry. Now I wait until 6:30 pm for S to get home, in the meantime I starve myself to make sure I'm hungry for dinner, then gorge myself and go to bed shortly after.
So, the biggest changes I'm going to make are no longer waiting for S to be home on weekdays to eat dinner. That way I'm eating when I'm hungry so I don't overdo it (remember, my day starts at 5 am at work, so dinner at 4:30 pm isn't too odd). And I will cultivate a new interest or two. I do like photography and I have a camera, no excuses there. I have already taken up yoga again (I loved it for a while but gave it up when my marriage dissolved) and I've been playing with watercolor pencils in an effort to renew my interest in drawing and art. So wish me luck! Only good luck please :)
On another note, my youngest gave me a hug today and did something he hasn't done for such a long time. He gave me a cheek hug :) This is where he's hugging me and presses his cheek against mine and holds it there for a while, moving a bit to find the right spot on my cheek with his cheek. I'd forgotten about these hugs as he hasn't given me one for such a long time. Nothing like a cheek hug to make my day :)
Ok, I've been bored and eating a lot of junk. Bored and uncomfortable. I was fully rested after four days away from work and didn't feel like I needed any more time off. Now I have another week to go before work starts up again. Part of the reason for boredom, I think, is that I like to feel useful or important and right now I feel a bit useless and cast adrift. I don't really have any hobbies, except reading and tv, and don't know what I'd like to learn. I don't have a lot of disposable income to just buy something to try either. I think if I had a plan I'd've felt better. During my week off in the summer I painted the boys' bedrooms to keep busy and it worked, I felt rested but active. I would paint now but I live in northern Alberta and it's too cold outside for paint to properly stick to inside walls in the winter. Or at least, that's why my mom didn't ever paint in the winter.
There was a comment on my blog about painting for boredom relief and when I went to her blog she said she's a photography buff. I like taking pictures, maybe I should just grab my digital camera and go for a walk while the weather's not bad (It can get to -35 C here and I don't know if it would be good to freeze the camera by taking it outside). Hmmmmmmm. Definately worth a try.
Anyway, I digress. Or, I avoid talking about why I'm increasing my size. Whichever.
When I met S a year and a half ago I was only 132 lbs, so I've put on 37 freaking pounds in that time. Part of it is because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my ex so I worry all the time about stuff. Part of it is because I don't really know who I am enough to be someone different than S's girlfriend when he's around. Part of it is because I have this twisted idea that I have to be who S wants me to be, not who I actually am (that comes from having a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder - I always had to be who she needed me to be. I don't remember having an identity until my marriage broke up three years ago. I was always the person someone else needed me to be. I grew up with only private interests, never pursued them for fear of ridicule and being someone other than the image the person needed to see. If I had interests then I would start to become my own person and that was too scary). Part of it is also really bad eating habits. Before S moved in I was eating when I was hungry - frequently having dinner at 4:30 pm when the boys and I were hungry. Now I wait until 6:30 pm for S to get home, in the meantime I starve myself to make sure I'm hungry for dinner, then gorge myself and go to bed shortly after.
So, the biggest changes I'm going to make are no longer waiting for S to be home on weekdays to eat dinner. That way I'm eating when I'm hungry so I don't overdo it (remember, my day starts at 5 am at work, so dinner at 4:30 pm isn't too odd). And I will cultivate a new interest or two. I do like photography and I have a camera, no excuses there. I have already taken up yoga again (I loved it for a while but gave it up when my marriage dissolved) and I've been playing with watercolor pencils in an effort to renew my interest in drawing and art. So wish me luck! Only good luck please :)
On another note, my youngest gave me a hug today and did something he hasn't done for such a long time. He gave me a cheek hug :) This is where he's hugging me and presses his cheek against mine and holds it there for a while, moving a bit to find the right spot on my cheek with his cheek. I'd forgotten about these hugs as he hasn't given me one for such a long time. Nothing like a cheek hug to make my day :)
The Gathering and New Year's
Be still my beating heart - Christmas with my family went reasonably smoothly :)
I was tense walking into it, but reminded myself that I'm an adult and can leave when it suits me to do so. My boys and S were ok with not going at all, so I knew that the evening would be my call about staying or not. The other thing I remembered was that these people were used to me being the me that I always was and they won't accept a different me right away.
My younger sister didn't make it, she went home with sinusitis and bronchitis so as not to infect my dad. Apparently, my dad told her to go home if she's contagious because his health simply can't be compromised. I honestly can't see my dad saying that to her at all. But if I need others to accept that I am different, then I must accept that others are different. I did watch my mom and dad, my mom seems to be doing better with mental stability, but she has a project now - my dad.
My dad is a man who always denied he was sick in any way, didn't take sick days from work or allow himself to be whiny about any sickness. I have modeled myself after him, I don't take sick days from work and am rarely ill. I have one major flu/cold about every five years and a stomach flu about once a decade. If I am cut I heal fast but bruises take an eternity to leave.
My dad is much more outspoken about what he wants, he was the one to say to the group that it's time he went home as he's tired. I don't think he'd ever done that before, always relied on my mom to be the one to decide when the Gathering is done. My mom was just as she used to be - picking fights with my Aunt. Luckily, my Aunt didn't rise to the bait, she would just be firm and end the line of argument early rather than carry it on. I didn't speak much to my older sister during the Gathering. I didn't really have much to say and we are so very different.
I also didn't rise to the bait when it was thrown at me by my mom (eg - my sister asked my mom if my boys opened their gifts, my mom said "I don't know, they didn't say thank you or anything" in her dramatic 'poor me' voice. I put my head down and pretended not to hear, when in previous years I would have tried not to roll my eyes as I tell my boys to say thank you. When I didn't make any response to my mom's comment, I saw my mom look at my sister, who then told my boys she didn't hear a 'thank you'. My older son just looked at her and with absolute certainty said "I already said thank you" and my younger son didn't acknowledge that she even spoke). As much as I believe in thanking people and raising good, courteous children, they are 13 and 11 and long past the age where I control what they say. I could have nudged my youngest and demanded a thank you but it's not his way. He will thank those who he feels deserve it (something like they have to treat him well whenever they see him, not just give a gift because the occasion demands it and expect gratitude), he has flattered several waitresses by saying they have nice hair or a nice voice, he's expressed thanks at cashiers for getting a bag for him. I know he's capable of gratitude, but he seems to have an internal gauge for when it's best expressed.
I did see my older sister before she flew back home. I wasn't planning on it as I've felt overwhelmed and she is a bit....selfish? Demanding? Self-centered? Unkind? Anyway, I didn't want the drain on my energy this year but gave in anyway and saw her the other day. That went well too! Again, I was surprised. She did as she does and picked a topic like my abrasiveness and went on about it far longer than necessary. She told me she's learning how to accept that her feelings are her own and others are not responsible for making her feel a certain way (she used to think if she feels bad, it's up to you to make her feel better. I gave that up years ago). So I told her I was learning to be less abrasive. That stopped her for a while.
For New Year's I spent it with my three guys. I didn't like it as much as it's a marker for how few friends I have. New Year's snuck up on me and I made no plans, nor was I invited anywhere. I would love to dress up in a fancy dress and do something, but I never have. Partly because I've never been invited to, and partly because I don't know of any events where I could dress like that. My ex would not have liked to go to something like that (well, I wouldn't have liked to spend the time with him, maybe if there were other couples. But we had no couple friends) and I think S would if I asked. So maybe next year we'll go to a dinner theater or something. This year the boys played World of Warcraft until after midnight and S and I sat and talked. Not bad, but we do that every night and I'd like New Year's to be a bit more special.
I was tense walking into it, but reminded myself that I'm an adult and can leave when it suits me to do so. My boys and S were ok with not going at all, so I knew that the evening would be my call about staying or not. The other thing I remembered was that these people were used to me being the me that I always was and they won't accept a different me right away.
My younger sister didn't make it, she went home with sinusitis and bronchitis so as not to infect my dad. Apparently, my dad told her to go home if she's contagious because his health simply can't be compromised. I honestly can't see my dad saying that to her at all. But if I need others to accept that I am different, then I must accept that others are different. I did watch my mom and dad, my mom seems to be doing better with mental stability, but she has a project now - my dad.
My dad is a man who always denied he was sick in any way, didn't take sick days from work or allow himself to be whiny about any sickness. I have modeled myself after him, I don't take sick days from work and am rarely ill. I have one major flu/cold about every five years and a stomach flu about once a decade. If I am cut I heal fast but bruises take an eternity to leave.
My dad is much more outspoken about what he wants, he was the one to say to the group that it's time he went home as he's tired. I don't think he'd ever done that before, always relied on my mom to be the one to decide when the Gathering is done. My mom was just as she used to be - picking fights with my Aunt. Luckily, my Aunt didn't rise to the bait, she would just be firm and end the line of argument early rather than carry it on. I didn't speak much to my older sister during the Gathering. I didn't really have much to say and we are so very different.
I also didn't rise to the bait when it was thrown at me by my mom (eg - my sister asked my mom if my boys opened their gifts, my mom said "I don't know, they didn't say thank you or anything" in her dramatic 'poor me' voice. I put my head down and pretended not to hear, when in previous years I would have tried not to roll my eyes as I tell my boys to say thank you. When I didn't make any response to my mom's comment, I saw my mom look at my sister, who then told my boys she didn't hear a 'thank you'. My older son just looked at her and with absolute certainty said "I already said thank you" and my younger son didn't acknowledge that she even spoke). As much as I believe in thanking people and raising good, courteous children, they are 13 and 11 and long past the age where I control what they say. I could have nudged my youngest and demanded a thank you but it's not his way. He will thank those who he feels deserve it (something like they have to treat him well whenever they see him, not just give a gift because the occasion demands it and expect gratitude), he has flattered several waitresses by saying they have nice hair or a nice voice, he's expressed thanks at cashiers for getting a bag for him. I know he's capable of gratitude, but he seems to have an internal gauge for when it's best expressed.
I did see my older sister before she flew back home. I wasn't planning on it as I've felt overwhelmed and she is a bit....selfish? Demanding? Self-centered? Unkind? Anyway, I didn't want the drain on my energy this year but gave in anyway and saw her the other day. That went well too! Again, I was surprised. She did as she does and picked a topic like my abrasiveness and went on about it far longer than necessary. She told me she's learning how to accept that her feelings are her own and others are not responsible for making her feel a certain way (she used to think if she feels bad, it's up to you to make her feel better. I gave that up years ago). So I told her I was learning to be less abrasive. That stopped her for a while.
For New Year's I spent it with my three guys. I didn't like it as much as it's a marker for how few friends I have. New Year's snuck up on me and I made no plans, nor was I invited anywhere. I would love to dress up in a fancy dress and do something, but I never have. Partly because I've never been invited to, and partly because I don't know of any events where I could dress like that. My ex would not have liked to go to something like that (well, I wouldn't have liked to spend the time with him, maybe if there were other couples. But we had no couple friends) and I think S would if I asked. So maybe next year we'll go to a dinner theater or something. This year the boys played World of Warcraft until after midnight and S and I sat and talked. Not bad, but we do that every night and I'd like New Year's to be a bit more special.
Book Review - In Her Absence by Antonio Munoz Molina
When I picked up this book on the Holds shelf at my branch of the library I almost missed it. I had to indulge in a minor expedition of the row to find the little slip of paper that bears the last four digits of my card mumber and the last four letters of my name peeking out from the pages of the book. I was surprised at how slim the book was, and by how little the book was. It's smaller than a hardcover but larger than a paperback. With only 134 little pages of big print I figured it would take me no time at all to finish it, but I found myself stopping to let the imagery sink in and take hold before moving to the next bit of information that the author doled out.
The book describes the unravelling of a marriage, through the man's eyes. How he does everything to please her, tries to understand her world and downplays his own listless world so as not to bore her. How, even though they are so different, they marry with her never really loving him in the same manner he loves her. How it is possible to live with someone who is a stranger in the details.
I enjoyed this book very much. The author was able to call up imagery in his words so my attention was never diverted. So the constant noise in my head was kept at bay as each word was read.
The book describes the unravelling of a marriage, through the man's eyes. How he does everything to please her, tries to understand her world and downplays his own listless world so as not to bore her. How, even though they are so different, they marry with her never really loving him in the same manner he loves her. How it is possible to live with someone who is a stranger in the details.
I enjoyed this book very much. The author was able to call up imagery in his words so my attention was never diverted. So the constant noise in my head was kept at bay as each word was read.
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