Faking it

I found myself faking it yesterday. At work, especially. I didn't have enough sleep that night and was completely unable to care one bit about anyone or how they felt. Now I know that's not the way to get along with people so instead of being bitchy and snarking at everyone, I just faked it. I smiled and laughed when I knew there was a joke. I looked sad when appropriate. Mostly I just wanted everyone to go away.

One of the ways I know I'm Up or Down is the topic of marriage. When I'm Up I'd love to marry my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him. As soon as my thinking changes in the beginnings of a Down I start thinking how I want time alone. I don't want to be anchored to one person forever. I want a house all to myself. It's interesting that I am aware of my thoughts enough to think "oh, here comes an Up" before I feel the chemical change in my brain. Now I just need to learn how to not allow my negative Down-thoughts rule the day. I need to remember that a Down is not the time to make any huge decisions.

Change in attitude

Depending on where I am in my cycle of Ups and Downs, my thinking changes. My boyfriend has been collecting photos of tall, thin women for drawing examples. On an Up I can see why he would do that and I don't take much offence at it. On a Down I was devastated that he would amass a collection of women so far from what I look like. I ended up getting very angry about it and ripping him apart. After I'd calmed down I realized I blew the whole thing out of proportion and forever altered our relationship.

I see pornography the same way, on an Up it's ok, even fun. On a Down I am envious and jealous and think all my boyfriend wants to see is other women. Same with kids, on an Up I think other people's kids are cute and loveable. I can look at them and admire them. On a Down I want them nowhere around me and become that horrible middle-aged mean woman who hates kids. They irritate me and I want to banish them from my existence. Except for my kids, I feel the same way about them no matter where in the cycle I am.

So why would my brain chemistry be so changed depending on where I am in my cycle? Has any research been done about how brain chemistry effects thinking and reasoning? Do any other people with Bipolar Disorder see such a marked difference in attitude and opinion based on how far Up or Down they are?

I realize how difficult it must be for those around me. It's hard to have friends when I go from feeling ok with something to vehemently against it the next day. And for my family, how nerve-wracking it must be to try to predict the mood I'm in and either bring up or hide specific topics.

I know all of this is indications of needing medication. But I don't want to give up the sharpness of my mind just yet. I tried lithium and it made me feel dull and emotionless. I tried the EMPowerplus but felt horribly nauseous. For now I will keep an eye on myself and be aware that I feel differently depending on my chemical levels in my brain. One thing for sure, it is an excellent indication of where I am in my cycle so I can see the big Up or Down coming.

Sleep

I am so tired. I didn't sleep well again last night. I don't know why, but most likely stress. I tossed and turned for hours before finally falling asleep in time to be jolted awake by my alarm.



It's been this way definately since Daylight Savings and the clock change. Then I thought it was the sheets so I bought more cotton jersey sheets. I wore out the old ones and had put regular broadcloth on the bed. The new sheets helped for a day or two, but now I can't sleep again. Most of the day I feel ok, not too draggy-assed. But I get home from work exhausted and have nothing left for my boyfriend or kids. I hope tonight will be a better sleep.

Travel

I was talking to a co-worker today who mentioned travelling after retirement. I told her I have no desire to see the world any more than I already have (really, that's not much). I find the idea of travel to be a hassle, packing everything, closing the house for the duration, getting to the destination, trying to enjoy everything with the panic that it'll be over soon. None of that sounds like fun to me. I can maybe see why some people would want a more worldly view, but bottom line, if I never travelled from this point on I don't think I'd feel like I missed much. I didn't like the sneering attitude from the worker though. Like it's wrong to not travel, wrong to want to work and wrong to be content where I am.