Tired

Normal today, but very tired. I have to work the early shift tomorrow so no nap :(

Still normal, normal, normal.

Nothing much new in the way of my moods today. I was snappish with my boys for a bit but I think that's normal in parenting. The weather is also cooling off, lending to a bit of a subdued mood I think. Overall I don't feel Up or Down, so here we go with normal again. This is the longest normal streak I can remember. I used to always feel like I was travelling Up or Down but never settling down in one state of mind. Now I think I feel the way I'm supposed to feel, equal all the time and emotions based on events not chemical dumpage in my brain.

Could it be possible that the lithium is actually working? Now that I'm taking in enough water, that is :) My bowels are functioning normally and my head no longer has that funny feeling that I associated with overdosing on lithium. I'm cautiously optimistic that this will actually work for me.

I was shopping today and looking at all kinds of pretty clothes. I've never really been a clothes horse in my past, but I'm finding more and more I want pretty things. That fit. See, I'm bigger now than I ever have been. I'm short (only 4'11") but weigh in at around 155lbs. That's a lot for me. So now I try on large sizes and the occasional extra large. I don't like it but have very little motivation to change it. Maybe in time I will. Anyway, I have been having the urge to dress nicer than jeans and tees so I've been eyeing flowy dresses and flirty skirts. Stupidly, I'm afraid to change the way I dress because of S. I seem to be under the impression that it is not good to change things like that for fear of ridicule. That concept comes from a childhood with a mentally unsound parent and I know it's not true. Difficult to fight though. I know if I was dating this wouldn't be an issue - I'd just wear whatever I want and be done with it.

I've been watching my boys gain some independance lately as well. Cell phones have helped with that as they are now available whenever I call them. One boy is very social and has many friends to hang out with, the other is not as social, more rigid, and has no friends to hang out with. My older one, the rigid one, I think will do better once he is an adult. He doesn't seem to tolerate children well and prefers the company of adults. I brought up the idea of giving them a clothing allowance. This would be so they are solely responsible for choosing their own clothes and buying within a budget. I don't know if it will work, but I think they could use yet another life skill. After all, I don't believe I'm raising children, I believe I'm raising adults who need to grow to be contributing members of society that can function largely without me. I don't want to turn them loose in the world without a good skill set and the confidence to work out new problems.

Tiny bit Up from normal

A little on the upside of normal today, I think. I definately feel good about everything without feeling super-fabulous :) I like this normal I've been having.

One of the reasons I'm keeping this blog is to be able to track my moods to see how long the cycles are. I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar in January and have been on lithium since. Maybe I'm staying Up or normal because the weather is warming up (finally) or maybe the lithium is really working. Normal for me used to be only a day, then it would always be on the way Up or Down, so this normal is rare.

The lithium I'm taking is not even a full beginner dose. The psychiatrist started me on 900mg/day and I didn't like that I felt dead all the time. Or maybe I missed the highs, I do find them addictive. So I lowered the dosage to 750mg/day and didn't feel like it was working. Then I thought I should do a better job of drinking water throughout the day and see if that helps. Surprise, surprise it actually did. I pee so much I wonder why I bother to leave the bathroom all day, but I seem to be evened out. Now I'm hoping that my body will get used to the water and send it out less often. The other side effect of diarrhea has gone away as well since I started guzzling more water. So this is definately better for me and I'll have to learn how to keep it up.

Part of the problem I'm having is that I don't know anyone else who is bipolar so I have no idea if the medication is having acceptable side effects or not. I also don't know how anyone else deals with being bipolar. Either there isn't much in my city or I just haven't found it yet.

On another note, I did talk to S about everything and things seem resolved for now. I do think it might be fun for me to explore the city every so often, doing things I don't think he'd like to do. As well, I've never really done anything alone, so that might be a good experience as well. In one way, his computer game is a good excuse for me to get out and do things that I wouldn't ordinarily do. But he did mention cancelling the game to solve all of this. I can't see this being a very good option, I can just see it building resentment in him later. One thing at a time, I suppose.

So very normal

Again, normal normal normal. I was happy at times and a bit sad at times. A bit irritated at times and a bit tired at times. It actually seemed as if my emotions were in response to what was actually happening around me. I am definately not used to this. I am used to feeling good no matter what and feeling horrible no matter what. So now I feel like I did as an early teenager. Although even then I can say that I was unreasonably grumpy or depressed, but that could easily be from living with my Borderline mother and not feeling like I was able to develop my own identity. Anyway. Normal today.

Not one single donation has come in for the Weekend. Not one. My younger sister lashed out at me for even asking. Ok, we had an arguement months ago that hadn't been resolved and the donation email was my first contact with her for a while. But I thought maybe she'd at least donate because our sister has breast cancer in her bones. My parents refuse to donate, my mom says they need to save money for my dad's retirement next year and she is unhappy with the way the donation money was used (some of it had to go towards funding the event, my mom thought it should all go to the charity, but really, how can an organization put such a huge event on without funding?). My sister with cancer called to say it might be unreasonable to expect people to donate again, it would tap them a bit dry. My aunt is in a care facility to recover after surgery so she probably hasn't even looked at her email. Oh yeah - and she's recovering from surgery so I don't expect anything from her. So my family won't support me in my efforts to do something positive for my sister's cancer. What kind of whacked family do I have? I would think most families would support their members in positive endeavors. I am going to provide a better family environment that this for my boys.

I did talk to S about his game last night. Much was resolved, but some questions linger. Like - if he says we are allowed to have separate activities/hobbies, then why do I have to be home for his? Why is it disruptive or wrong to go out to some event, the library, the mall, a movie or something when he plays his game? I have no objection to the computer game except that it seemed to suck up all of his attention like it used to do for my ex. Also, something about the idea that S is talking to the other players on a headset really bothers me. I don't really understand why, but it does. So my solution is to just make time for his game that's mostly scheduled so I can plan another activity. There really are some things I'd like to do that S doesn't really want to participate in anyway so I don't see why this won't work out. But S doesn't seem to like the idea at all, or he didn't last night. He wants to have separate hobbies but not in separate locations. I will need to ask him to clarify this a bit. It was getting late last night to talk about all of this, so maybe tonight we can cover some more ground on it.

Possibly a bit Down

I think I'm starting to fall Down a bit. I still feel normal but I'm not happy. Maybe a little sad. I was happy at work when I would visit with people, but mostly I just felt a bit Down.

It may be because of S and his computer game. My exhusband used to play them all the time and close out the world around him. Most of the games S has played don't need his full attention, so it's been ok. But he's back on a game he used to play and has completely shut me out when he's on the computer. He even has headphones for this game so he can talk to the other players. I didn't like it on Tues but didn't know why so I just kept telling myself to get over the discomfort - after all, he's found a hobby. Then yesterday I felt really uncomfortable, like and intruder in my own house. I ended up going outside to clean the yard to get away from the feeling. He followed me out after a short while and waited for me to acknowledge him, then went back in and helped my younger son with his homework. But what bothered me was when I came home from work, S was all grabby and amorous (which I didn't mind). And as soon as I was busy doing laundry....he went back to play his game. So I feel shut out when he plays it around me, and I feel like his game is making him amorous and not me. Because he wasn't in the mood for anything after the game. All right, that could have been me, I was a bit grumpy when he was done playing. So I came up with the solution that if he wants to play his game and I'm home, I'll just have to find something to do in another room or go out somewhere.

This does seem a bit ridiculous though, why would I feel this way about a computer game? I know part of it is because not only does he shut me and the world out when he plays, but he seems to expect me to be in the same room as him while he's playing it. I will have to talk to S about all of this and see if there is a good solution for it.

Just Normal

I feel mostly normal today. My moods seem to be affected more by what I'm thinking then by what chemical is in my brain. I've been having problems with side effects of lithium and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not drinking enough water or something. So today I made a bigger effort to drink more - and had to pee every half hour. I'll need to figure out the balance somewhere.

Up a tiny bit....and sleepless

No problems at all today, except very little sleep. I don't know why I didn't sleep last night - only about four hours. And I didn't get a nap at all today or yesterday and I'm not all that tired. I remember feeling this way when I started the lithium but didn't expect it to return. I really need to go back to my psychiatrist and ask about other medications without such harsh side effects.

So today I feel like I'm happy-normal. Again, it would be nice to feel this way all the time.

On another note, my aunt is out of the hospital but going to a care facility. I don't know why she's going there, other than to heal physically, and she is considered elderly. And living on her own.

I've also blocked V from contacting me, it's just too stressful for me to deal with her right now.

No donations yet to help me walk for breast cancer.

You'd think I'd be sad at all of this, but I'm not. Still Up I suppose.

Normal

Nothing but normalcy today. I don't feel Up or Down at all, no problems anywhere to report. I like normal, there are no scary thoughts at all.

Family is a bit of an issue, though. So far none of my family has supported me in the Weekend by way of donation. And my younger sister, V, went as far as to remind me that I need to apologize to her for some awful behaviour of mine before anything else can happen. Now first off, I did apologize - she just didn't like it - and secondly, I became acutely aware of the fact that I will never be enough for her. All these years I tried to mirror her in order to get her to like me. I think she's a really neat person and want to be her friend as well as close sister. So I would put aside my own beliefs and mirror hers, put aside my own feelings on something and reflect hers back at her. Now I've decided that I will say how I feel about something and even (yes, seriously) disagree with someone. It just so happens that I need a bit of practice at this having never really done it, but life is a work in progress, right?

The really scary thing is I react to V the same way I react to our mom. To mirror and watch was the only way I felt I could live with my mom and survive. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and wasn't diagnosed until I was already in my 30s. Looking back I see that I could have done many other things to feel safe, but I didn't know that at the time and got stuck in one method. Now I see that I was doing the same thing to V and I wonder if she has the same BPD. Bottom line is I've decided to distance myself from both my mom and V in order to gain a bit of mental strength. This way when I deal with either of them I will be on surer footing and hopefully better able to handle situations without damaging either me or them.

Nicely on the Up side of normal

I thought I was on my way down last night. For some reason I was just not on top of things. My mood was mostly irritable and that snarky feeling of a Down coming. But today I've definately improved. I was even shopping for some stuff in Wal-Mart and decided to try on some clothes. Although I have been feeling fat lately....not so much 'feeling' as 'actually' fat I suppose....so the idea of trying something on caught me by surprise. Mostly I feel like I've accepted this as my shape so there's no point in moaning about it. I know how to dress to suit my figure and I try not to get too concerned over the size of clothing, instead I go for proper fit. This isn't possible on a Down. I feel like nothing fits and that I'm hugely fat and unattractive on a Down.

So maybe I've bounced a bit and can stay on the Up side of normal. I'd like that :)

One thing that did irritate me was S telling me he hopes I'm on an Up when we visit his family in May. Like I can control these things. I know he meant well, and I know that he loves me no matter what. But still, I don't need to hear things like that. Now I feel pressured to either stay Up or force a Down to move the cycle so I can be on an Up when we go. I do see his point, it will be more fun for me (ok, and for everyone else) if I'm in a good mood.

I've just started my fundraising for the Weekend to End Breast Cancer. I have no idea if I'll be able to walk it again like I did last year. This year I will have to monitor my water intake much more closely. And my water output. I think that will be the most difficult thing - dealing with having to pee so damn much.

Normal

Yesterday S and I went to a comedy club and laughed our asses off! It was good that I was still feeling Up-ish so I was able to enjoy it quite a bit.

One thing I did was have some of S's beer. He doesn't drink often and I drink even less so this was a treat. I only had about a quarter to a third of the bottle, but it really made me feel drunk. I don't know if this is from the lithium or not but I do know I don't feel that drunk after only that little bit. And when we got home the couch was spinning away on me as I sat on it. When I woke up this morning I felt hung over. A huge headache with extra tiredness mixed with some irritability. I did a search on the Internet about drug interactions with lithium and alcohol and came up empty. It isn't a major concern to drink a bit and take the lithium, so I don't know why it would have affected me so much. Also today I had the liqui-poops. I can't seem to get rid of that side effect at all. I just don't have normal bowels any more.

So today I feel normal. Not happy or sad or irritable. Just tired and generally ok (now that my bowels have emptied and there's no more pain).

Pleasantly coasting

My good mood continues :) All day at work I felt pleasantly happy and not stressed at all. My mind feels sharp and organized instead of draggy and foggy that I associate with a Down. I enjoy the Up very much, and if I could stay the way I am right now that would be perfect. I know I'm not too far Up because I can see how inappropriate it would be to search the web for live feed webcams or ask a girl at work to share her weed.

At work I was thinking about friendships. I really don't have very many and I'm not the type of person other people invite out. I feel left out of the loop on almost everything. Just today some coworkers were talking about email and I realized no one asked for my addy and I didn't even know others were trading theirs. Many years ago I ran a playgroup and had no idea (until it was mentioned one week) that many of the moms were meeting outside the group. Again, no one called me or asked me to join or even discussed it in front of me.

Only once was I a part of an 'inner circle', and that was a group of moms from my son's school. I got into the group by being who they wanted me to be. More and more I would be myself, and they liked that - as long as it didn't conflict with their ideas of what I should be. So when I let my full self show I was no longer invited out with them.

So at work I was thinking of how to get involved in groups and make some friends, or even just get to know new people and it actually occured to me to change myself to fit in more. Now that's just not right. If I can't fit in the way I am then that is not the group for me. I suspect being bipolar may have played a big role in my ability to be accepted. After all, my moods were unpredictable and my whole thinking process and attitude about things changed depending on whether or not I'm Up, Down or in between.

Good mood, good day

I have been in a very good mood all day :) Not so good that I feel a bit hysterical or panicky, just good like pleasant and pleasing. So the Up is still around...I like that :)

One thing I miss is being alone. When I was growing up I would go to my bedroom almost all the time and be alone. I didn't have many friends to take my time up as well. When I moved in with my ex-husband I spent most of my time alone. Then he moved out and I spent a good deal of time alone. I used to feel a bit lonely sometimes, but for the most part I enjoyed it very much. Now I live with S and I get almost no time at all alone. We are always in the same room if we are home together. And my boys are always nearby as well. So the only time I have completely alone is when I get home from work until the boys are home from school or when S is working and the boys are with their dad. So anyway, I could have been off work early today and possibly yesterday but chose to fill my day with useless stuff so I would get home on time. You'd think I would want to spend a lot of time with S, and I do enjoy talking to him and being with him. But it's hard to break a lifetime of conditioning about being by myself.

Still Up

Today I am still happy....but not too happy :) I like this stage of things quite a lot. Not too Down and not too Up, but on the Up side for sure. I get babbly when I'm here, all talky and chatty.

I did miss my family today. Thinking about why I removed them from my life. Well, not all of them, just two in particular (and two as a result of the original two). I had to force myself to remember why I didn't want them around anymore. My younger sister said I was a bitch all the time and refused to even listen to anything I said the last time we were together. My two sisters get along very well it seems, but not with me. And I'm just coming to realize that my childhood was abusive and it's rather difficult to get over.

That's one definate disadvantage to being in an Up, I forget what or who has hurt me in the past and jump back in with both feet. Then I come back to normal and regret my actions but don't know how to correct it all.

Going Down a bit, and more info on an Up

Today I was grumpy most of the time. I did feel better by the time I got home from work because by then I'd worked all the stress out of my system. I was very stressed out mostly because I didn't want to tell my man - S - about how the Up affected me. I did tell him, but felt horribly vulnerable as a result. Working it out in my mind all day definately made things better.

One horrible thought that slipped into my head was "is there enough in here?". I was looking into my bottle of lithium and thinking it would be good if I swallowed all of them. Would it have been enough to kill me? Maybe. Thing is, I don't have suicidal thoughts at all. Ever. Ok, last one was over a decade ago on an extreme Down. No matter how bad things get I don't ever consider ending my life. And the way I thought that phrase so coldly, I didn't even consider S or my two boys. I know now that I was feeling way too exposed and like I had handed S some major ammuntion to use against me later. Luckily, he's not that kind of guy :) He doesn't store information to hurt people. Horrible thing is that I'm used to people using information against me, so I expected S to do so as well. Anyway, it was a passing thought that I was able to squash quickly. A little scary, though.

I'd say I'm still Up but starting to come down a bit. I'd like to bounce and stay Up for a while longer, but that's probably not a good idea.

What I didn't say yesterday is what I gravitate towards on an Up. I don't shop or spend too much money, I look for sex. The fact that I'm in a good relationship doesn't escape my attention and I won't cheat on S. But. Yes, but. I found myself searching for things on the Internet that would be very inappropriate. Not just pictures but live feed webcams. S did say this would have been cheating, and in my mind I was working around that. Justifying my behaviour by thinking it's not like I'd actually go out and meet anyone, or have two way webcams...but it does involve another person that is not in our relationship. So. My medication will be altered. Sooner rather than later. At least I'm aware of what I'm doing and didn't actually get to doing anything irreversable.

Peaking Up

All right, I have to admit it, I'm definately at the peak of an Up. I was waaaaaay too happy at work and even found myself encouraging a co-worker to have an affair with a man she only just found out likes her. Now, I don't cheat on whoever I'm with and I don't condone cheating at all. Yet here I was talking to her and finding all the good and exciting reasons an affair is just what she needs to do. Later I realized what I did and went back to her to give her all the reasons she should absolutely not cheat on her man. And even told her that the reason I think she should try something with this other man was because I'd never seen her beam so much when talking about the man she's living with, instead she always looked pinched and stressed when talking about him. Today she was just glowing and perky when talking about this other guy.

I know I make bad decisions and have poor judgement when I go too far Up. I know this can damage relationships. I know I justify my behaviour with inane reasons that don't make any sense. And I know that when I come down and get closer to normal I breathe a sigh of relief that I didn't act out anything really bad. So. I know I need to adjust my lithium dosage to stop myself from getting too far Up. I will. Really. But first I want to cycle once or twice more and keep track in this blog. That way I can track how my behaviour is and have a record to look back on to see how long and severe each Up and Down is. Then I will change my medication.

Nicely Up

Today I didn't start out feeling wonderful and actually thought the Up was leaving. I feel happier now, rested and content with the world. The sun is a definate asset, warming my skin and making the world smell good :) I would have to say I'm still Up, but not severely. Just extra-happy :)

I did drive downtown to run an errand and briefly wondered what it would be like to just pick up my stuff and move to a completely different city. I wanted to know what it would be like to start everything new. Then I remembered I have two kids and a boyfriend so it wouldn't be as easy as I think to just pick up and go. And it's not like I'm dissatisfied here or anything, I like the city I'm in, I like the house I live in, I enjoy my job....I just have an inkling every now and again to live a much less rigid life. To travel to somewhere new and live there for a while, until I'm ready to move to the next location.

This feeling doesn't come often.....well, actually, it comes in the summer never in the winter. Maybe because in the summer I feel like anything is possible, that the world is open to me and available for me to try whatever suits me. In the winter I feel suffocated and in some way glad that I have routines to follow to get through the day. In the winter my whole existence is to just get things done, go to bed, get up, get things done, etc. I have little joy during that time. And where I live, winter is the longest season. Maybe I should move my family to somewhere that's warm and sunny most of the time. Or I could wait until my boys have lives of their own outside my home and then move. Or just live with the icky winter and celebrate the spring and summer. For now I'll just wait and see how I feel with the lithium, see if it changes this next winter for me.

Flying Up, with explanations

My day is going very well indeed :) I don't feel sad or irritable at all. I was able to do all of my errands without feeling rushed or overwhelmed, which is good. Overall I'd say I definately feel Up, already on the path to a peak.

It's interesting that I can feel good without feeling like there is a chemical dump in my brain. I used to always be able to feel the Up coming. Some event would trigger it - something as small as someone making me laugh or smile - and I could suddenly feel the surge of chemicals (seratonin? endorphins?) wash over my brain. Then the Up would begin. From that surge I would have the energy to accomplish anything. I didn't realize it at the time, but the surge also caused a bit of hysteria or edginess. Sometimes the only way to tame the hysteria was to sort/organize anything. This would be when I would start arranging objects in line with the surface they are on, or setting about completing a bunch of menial tasks like appointment-making or light cleaning. Stress in my life would make this hysteria a bit worse, that was when I would get into seriously putting things in order. I would try to organize my children's lives/schedules/behaviours and generally become control-freaky. As you can imagine, young preteen boys did not appreciate my efforts :) Now an Up still happens, but with no edginess and no need to sort/organize everything in sight. Instead I feel a bit distracted or a little too energetic, in which case a little bit of order still helps, but it doesn't feel like an addict feeding a fix. I still feel better putting things into order, I still feel the need for order, but I don't feel like my life depends on it.

So I'm on an Up right now, approaching what I used to know as the peak. I'm able to clearly see how items or events should be arranged for optimum efficiency. If presented with a problem right now, I'd easily be able to see more than one solution for it. I could take on any task and be comfortable with accomplishing it. I can manage raising two boys and making sure my man is receiving enough attention and focus from me. It is not difficult to deal with ex-husband issues or family issues. Everything really does seem to be in perspective right now.

The Downs have a similar chemical dump. Again, some event would usually trigger it - my man stumbling across some emotional baggage, reprimand at work - and it would begin. It would only begin after the Up has finished, or after whatever chemical it is has worn off. Anything can happen in an Up and it won't trigger the Down until the Down is already in the works. When the Down is ready, the chemical dump feels like the slowing down of my brain. Like being flooded with a sedative and a depressant at the same time. My thoughts focus on issues that are hurtful to me and I feel a complete lack of confidence in anything I do. At the peak (valley?) of the Down I am unable to move. I become paralytic so only my eyes can move about. I can think during this, I often tell myself to get up, just move, this is silly - why are you just lying here? So far there are only three things that will get me out of this state: 1. my boys need me for something, 2. someone else wiggles a part of me and that reminds my body how to move, and 3. time. It's almost like my brain is releasing that chemical to stop you from moving in your sleep. Anyway, from that point I usually start to feel better and begin to recover.

That's one thing I don't know if other bipolar people can do: bounce in the Up or Down to keep yourself there. I can definately do this in an Up. Somehow I know how to keep the Up going when it should be wearing off, I can force the chemical to stay in my brain and remain elated. Intellectually I know the Down will be much worse if I do this, but Ups are addictive :) I can stay in a Down as well if I haven't reached bottom. I can force a bottom to come a bit sooner than it normally would, and when I do this the Up comes faster. Probably not good for me, though.

Going Up

Ok, definately on an Up :) I had a very good day at work and so far at home. I'm not out of control or anything, but for sure I feel more energized and sharp.

That's one thing I miss since being on lithium - the sharpness of my mind. I used to feel sharp all the time, now it's mostly when I'm Up. I think. It's actually really hard to remember a down right now.

Normal, but tired

Today I was tired, but otherwise feeling normal. Ok, normal after a three hour nap :) Before that I was just icky tired, where it was an effort just to move around. But now I feel ok without being extreme. The warm weather has helped a lot - I love the warm sun and smell of grass. Hopefully it will rain soon and wash away the rest of the debris from winter.

Slightly up side of normal

Today I was sooooo tired it's too hard to gauge the rest of my mood. I wasn't too far Down and I wasn't too far Up, which is good. Overall I think I'm on the Up side of normal. After all, I was able to appreciate the sun when it came out today. It was finally warm and melted the snow of the last few days. I was even pleased just to see the dirty, dead, brownish-yellow grass :) Mostly because I knew that with the warm sun the snow will melt more and soon go away.

Happy, then irritable

Today I had more energy than I've had in a while. I did my work very fast and had no problems getting stuff done at home. Even though I was super busy at work I was still in a good mood and didn't feel overwhelmed at all. That is, until I took a nap. I slept for about an hour and a half and had five and a half hours of sleep last night. My head felt fuzzy and thick after my nap, my coordination was off and I was irritable. I'm still tired and would like to go to bed. And I'm getting more and more irritable as the evening progresses. Now I'm wondering if I should have skipped the nap in the afternoon. Of course, this is the wrong week to be judging how much sleep I need, I can never get enough when Mother Nature visits.

Normal

If I could choose a day to be called 'normal' it would be today :) I don't feel overly sad, happy or irritable. There is no urgency or panic associated with a high and there is no raw nerve feeling associated with out-of-control anger. I don't feel at all paralytic as I do in the peak (valley?) of a Down. Instead I just felt generally ok all day. I was cheery at work and good with my boys and looking forward to my man coming home from work.

Even the lithium dosage seems right today. I drank enough water so that I didn't have the tight skin feeling around my eyes, or the confused feeling of not being able to access words to describe the pictures in my mind. My muscle strength was good (I'm still clumsy, though, but feel strong not weak), and my belly doesn't feel bloaty at all. I also feel completely rested with no draggy-assed feeling of needing more sleep. I did have a tiny nap of 45 minutes after work, but only slept five hours at night. This concerns me a bit as that doesn't seem like enough sleep, but we'll see.

Now, if only I could feel like this all the time.......

A little bit of history

Since my late teens I have noticed my moods swing with some severity. I noticed the swings had little to do with outside influences and more to do with some kind of cycle. It only occured to me to start tracking the swinging after my sons were born in my mid-twenties. And even then, I could only think of it when I felt relatively normal, once I was too far into the Up or Down I would forget the idea of tracking. I knew that the swinging Up and Down was not normal, but really, the Ups are addictive so I saw no point in correcting that. Then the Downs were too overwhelming so I had no energy or thought process to find a reason or cure.

It was only after my marriage broke up and I started dating that I was able to get a bit of perspective on my moods. I realized that the extreme swings were greatly affecting my new man, and more importantly, my sons. I was able to see for the first time that people were walking on eggshells around me and I didn't like the way that felt. Months later I actually asked for a referral to a psychiatrist to help me understand why I felt like there was a huge chemical imbalance in my brain. I was told I'm rapid cycling bipolar and was given lithium to stabilize my moods. Now I'm experimenting a bit with the dosage so that I don't feel dead inside, but am also not uncontrolable.