Still good and hot

Still feeling pretty good, I like the Normals that happen. I can't actually remember a time in my life that I felt even or steady much of the time. This last Down was awful though so I'm still considering altering my dosage of lithium.

The idea of having my boys work for their allowance is working out well....except it's a bit difficult to find jobs for them to do all the time. My house is spotless at the moment :) At least it's summer so they can do outside chores as well as inside.

Oh my goodness it's getting hot out now. Today has been a nice warm one (about +25C) and I've been enjoying it as much as possible. I used to love going outside in the summer and just sitting in the yard and watching the kids play. Now I work in a production plant/bakery and it's hothothot in the building all day. I feel like I work in an oven and leave work to drive in an oven (no AC in the car) so I don't spend as much time basking in the sun as I used to. Instead I enjoy cool showers :)

Thank you comment-leavers :) It's good to know there are other people that find it difficult to balance everything and follow through on things. I still wonder how much of that is me and how much is bipolar.

Feeling good again

I'm feeling good again today. Maybe that horrible Down is over. I didn't even recognize myself in how awful I felt and how mean I was. Let's hope things get better now.

The boys are trying out a new allowance idea. They have to work for their money and are being paid by the hour. The problem always was that I could maintain that in an Up but not a Down, so let's hope I'm stable enough to be able to keep this up for them.

Normal I think

I'm better now, not so grumpy and irritable. I had such a hard week at work that I felt like I was never ever going to be caught up on anything. On top of that I finally got my lawnmower back from being serviced, so I cut my grass yesterday and that just exhausted me. I slept hard last night and could still sleep today.

So my mood is just ok. Not Up or Down it feels like. I'm better able to control my anger now, which is good. My youngest son was doing the dishes and he got the counter, floor and him just soaked. Instead of yelling I showed him a better way of handling it. Is this how normal parents are?

Yesterday evening my boys got lost in the mall. Ok, not lost exactly as they are 10 and 12, but missing. They weren't where they were supposed to be. They had their phones but S and I didn't have ours, so I tried calling the boys from store phones and a payphone. It turned out one boy's phone was on silent and I was getting the number wrong on the other one. So their punishment for today was to do any and all chores I say without complaint. I had them working all day until now. I figured seven hours of hard labour was enough.

I'm still tired of being fat.

Bouncing back?

Today was mostly good, maybe bouncing back from the Down. I don't feel completely good but I'm not bad either. I had a bad day at work and I expect tomorrow to be busy as well.

Definately Down

Definately on a Down now. I didn't want to be bothered with going to work or actually talking to people. I didn't care about anything at all. Even asked myself why I was speeding to work today when I didn't want to be there.

The scariest thing was the thought that my life is just too much hassle to bother with. Why would I think that? I'm not suicidal, I enjoy life. It was like my brain was a completely different person than me, telling me what it believes. It was weird.

I also have been obsessed with my weight. Always thinking I'm fat and ugly. I don't like these Downs, I'm not used to them at all.

Down and fat

I think I'm just a bit Down today. Nothing serious, but I don't want to participate in my life at all. I'd like to sit and read uninterrupted for hours on end. I don't want to do any running around or conversation upkeep or anything like that.



I'm also tired of being fat. Not so tired as I'd quit eating chocolate....but definately tired of it. I was trying on clothes and it was very unattractive to have my stomach stick out past my chest. I'm sore from exercising yesterday, well, more stiff than sore I guess. I know that my Downs now include thoughts of how fat I am. It becomes obsessive almost...all I can think about. When I'm a bit Up I just make do with what I have.



I feel like I could nap, even though I slept long enough last night.

Still ok

Still feeling pretty good....no major downs or ups.

I am still looking for some sort of support group or something for bipolars. I noticed several online, all which look good, but I like to see people in person when I talk to them.

A bit raw, but ok

I still feel a bit raw today, but other than that I feel ok.

I hate the weight gain with lithium so I did a bit of research on other treatments for bipolar. Guess what? They all cause weight gain :( I wonder if I can lose the weight or if it stays as long as I'm on lithium....

On an Angry?

I think I was average again today, but tired.

Living without caffiene is more difficult than I thought. Coke was always my go-to thing if I was tired or needed a pick-up. Now I can't have any at all. Ok, I can have a couple of tiny sips before I show the signs of dehydration. Now I have to live my life with a good amount of sleep all the time. You'd think that would be easy but it's not. S gets home at around the time I used to go to bed so I like to stay up and talk to him. So then I need an afternoon nap and that doesn't alway work out.

The weight gain is also an issue. I feel very fat. Last time I weighed myself I was 163 lbs and I'm only 4'11"! I know it's not the end of the world to be overweight but I really hate it.

Maybe I should look into the other treatments for bipolar.

Today I was just raw. I had no compassion for people at all. One girl at work was sick and I really believe she was faking it to get out of staying for the full day. Actually, any day I'd say that about this one girl, but normally I'd be able to hide it or soften the thought a little. I also had no consideration for another coworker. She could have used my help with something so I deliberately adjusted my speed to make it so I couldn't help her. Again, I wouldn't have done that task anyway (she told me for the last three days she wants to pawn it off on someone else) but I would have been a bit kinder.

So am I on an Angry? Is that part of bipolar? It's when I firmly believe I am right and the world must conform to my opinion. Where I will have entire arguements in my head about a topic that may never come up. Where I am unable to hide or soften how I feel about someone that I'm currently dealing with. This is when I appear abrasive, blunt and unkind. I think it's a big reason why I don't have very many friends and for a long time the lithium seemed to take care of it. The question is: do I feel this way because I'm tired or is it a bipolar thing?

Still normal

Just another normal day. Not too stressful either at work or at home. I didn't feel sad today, which is good :) I'm not tired either or too happy. This normal thing takes some getting used to.

The burn on my arm is healing very nicely. I'm at the point where I could still make a big deal about it and get some sympathy, but I don't really want to put that kind of effort into it.

Average....with a bit of Down

Today was another average day with my moods. Not too bad in either direction. The lithium is definately working, but I wish weight gain wasn't part of the side effects :( I feel fat.

I should have been frustrated and angry at work. The people in sanitation were just leaving stuff everywhere instead of getting it all to where it belongs. I had to move stuff constantly but it didn't bother me. I noticed it but didn't fret about it.

Maybe I'm a tiny bit down or still tired, it's hard to concentrate on what to write.

Average

We're home now from our weekend trip to see S's family. It went very well I think. I drove there and back so I felt a bit more in control, which definately helped.

Overall my moods have been a tiny bit Down. It was stressful leaving the house for the weekend and I didn't feel like I relaxed at all. Right now I feel average. Not Up or Down. The burn on my arm is bothering me so I'm a bit preoccupied with pain and don't feel like I have the capacity to maintain Up or Down. I know, sounds weird.

Down, but not too bad

Still don't feel normal, just a bit Down. I can't seem to get up to speed with work and I have a difficult time focussing on stuff. I just want more time alone and more time to sleep.

I did go for a walk today after coming home from work and it made me feel a bit better. I'm considering getting up an hour earlier again to walk alone. I used to love doing that, but I'm not sure I want to give up the hour of sleep right now.

Still Down

Still a bit Down today. I was a little bit sad all day at work. I don't know if it's because someone I like to work with is leaving or just a bipolar Down. I definately don't feel the chemical dump I usually do, but I did notice that I just couldn't move fast today at all. I knew that if I hurried a bit I could go home early but I just couldn't get moving. So maybe a bipolar Down. Sucks because I prefer being Up.

My burn still hurts. I went back to the doctor and had it re-dressed. He told me it's supposed to look the way it does (gross and icky) and that it's healing well. Wish it would hurry up.

Down

Feeling a bit Down today. I don't really know why, there's nothing going on that would cause it. I don't feel whatever chemical it is surging through my brain causing a Down. I just have sad thoughts.

Not really sad or icky thoughts, just thoughts with a definate negative tinge to them. I am also slightly overwhelmed at tasks that need to be done. We'll see if this gets worse or not. Hopefully not.

Normal and hurt

Again I feel very normal today. It does amaze me a bit that the lithium could work at such a low dosage (750 mg/day) and as the first try at medication. I wonder if it will last......

Funny thing about lithium is I don't seem to be able to hold onto frustration or anger for very long. I can't even get really irritated about things. It's very weird to me.

I had a surprisingly good day considering it started with me discovering my car had been broken into overnight. Nothing was stolen or broken, just rifled through. It did make me feel a bit violated knowing that someone had been searching through my stuff. Overall I am just happy no one was hurt and the car doesn't need any repairs.

Then at work I burned my arm. I work in a production plant that is a bakery and I was standing beside a kettle. The kettle is big enough for an adult to bathe in and has a lid that doesn't fit tightly. The kettle burped at me and shot a load of pressurized steam on my arm. The burn itself is about three inches across between my elbow and wrist. Wow, does it hurt a lot. I did go to the doctor to document it just in case there is a problem later, but I don't think there will be. It may scar though, as it is mostly a second degree burn. Ow.

A tiny bit Down but a good day

Although I did feel just a tad Down today it was still a good day.

S did what he could to make the day special to me as it was my birthday celebration night. I am very pleased at the gifts :) A large box of Bernard Callebeaux chocolates and a gift card to a salon for a massage. I've never had a massage and had wanted one. Actually, at the Weekend to End Breast Cancer last year they had volunteer massage therapists and chiropractors, but by the time I got to Tent City and got in line for a massage they had no more spots available. That was the one experience I wanted to have there more than anything else. I was surprised that S remembered I wanted that and gave me a gift for it :)

The lithium is causing me to lose my appetite though. I had a very hard time picking a restaurant because food just doesn't look good. Even food shopping was difficult because I had no idea what to buy and make. You'd think I'd be thinner by now :)

e The trend continues.....still feel good but not overly fabulous. The weather is definately helping - lots of sun and warmth :)

S is doing very well at making up for forgetting my birthday :) He does what he can to remind me that I am special to him and although I'm not used to it, I do enjoy it.

Still coasting in normal

Yep, you guessed it - I'm still feeling normal, normal, normal. The only times I've felt Down since I started this blog were situation related instead of brain chemical related. And I've only felt very Up once, but since then I've been drinking ginormous amounts of water.

I've lost my appetite for food. I did my usual food shopping today and found absolutely nothing appealed to me. So I bought the usual stuff (yeah, mostly junk). Now I find I eat out of habit more than anything else. Most often I'm not even hungry - it's just time to eat so I eat. Hmmmmm, recently I was complaining of feeling chubby so you'd think I'd be able to just stop eating when I'm not hungry but it's so much harder than that. Food is one of the things I turn to when I'm bored. Or stressed. Or anxious. Or happy. Get the picture? Food has rarely been something just to fuel my body. Time to focus on that a bit more and do less of this unconscious eating thing.

Still a happy normal

Still on the Up side of normal :) This is very odd to me, to be not fluctuating at all. I am so accustomed to radical mood swings that this whole 'normal' phase has seemed to last a year.

Can the lithium really be working for me? Will I grow a tolerance to it and it suddenly won't work? It's good to know that at least I'm not depressed most of the time. I did hear about how that can happen - depression taking over. I feel in control and generally happy. Ok, I still get irritable with my boys around sometimes.....but I'm sure that's normal. Since I started the lithium I found that I can't multitask at all. So watching tv or reading or doing something on the computer requires my full attention. I wonder if that is to be expected with lithium. I'm still trying to find some sort of group or something where I can find out if other bipolar people have similar experiences. Just want to know that I'm not a complete nut :)

Bounced back to the Up side of normal

No, he didn't remember my birthday and yes, I was extremely disappointed in him over it. We talked about it and I feel better (I think he does too, but is having a more difficult time with it). I wonder - is lithium the reason that I can't hold on to anger or frustration any more?

So I'm bouncing back Up again, but not to extremes. I feel ok, not depressed like yesterday and not too high. Could yesterday have been a one day Down? Now that would be a bit odd.

On a bright note...a coworker gave me a birthday gift today :) That made my day :)

A bit Down

Feeling a little sad today. Mostly because it's my birthday and I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up that S will remember without me prompting him. Both my boys forgot and didn't go with S to get me a gift. Although, really, I expect kids to forget without reminders because their world seldom extends past themselves. It is the hope that they outgrow this and become more cognizant of the world. Anyway, I told S how important it was for him to remember my birthday, and how much I'd like it if he involved the boys in gift-buying so they can learn to think of another person. I've been reminding him off and on since October right up until yesterday. I know he's one of those people that doesn't put any importance on birthdays, but I would like the people I care about to show they are happy I was born. This is like living with my ex all over again. S will be home in about two hours, let's hope he remembers.

So I guess I'm a bit Down today. I don't know if it's because I'm tired or just locked into thinking S won't wish me a happy birthday.

Tired and normal

Just buzzing right now - I had a couple of sips of Coke. I haven't had any caffiene in so long because of the lithium, now my body just doesn't process it very well. I expect to crash soon :)

Although I was tired most of the day I still had a good one. Not overly cranky or Down, not Up either. I actually caught myself wondering if I will be in a perpetual state of normal now. How weird would that be? Especially after so many years of extreme emotions.

Now that my son is in soccer again I have to try to figure out the whole bathroom thing. His games are longer now since he's older and I don't think I can last over two hours without recycling some water. We'll see. At least it's a short season.

My other son is moving his room around again. Lately he's been rearranging it almost every other day. He's 12, so maybe he's just trying to find himself? Or maybe he's looking for order in a world where his mom's boyfriend has moved in and his dad is engaged to his girlfriend. Our divorce was only finalized last November and we've only been separated for two years, so maybe he's finding things are moving a bit fast.