Fat and Cheek Hugs

It's a new year and I've been using my new Bowflex for almost two weeks. I weighed myself to find ------------- I'm bigger than I ever have been! I weigh 169 lbs and I'm only 4'11"!!!! What the Hell is going on there!?!? This explains why the band of my bra has been digging in, why my jeans feel too tight, why my undies feel like they are strangling me. The only time I have been fatter than this is when I gave birth to my oldest son, I was 174 lbs. Fattest non-pregnant weight besides today was 164 lbs and it was seven months after my first pregnancy.

Ok, I've been bored and eating a lot of junk. Bored and uncomfortable. I was fully rested after four days away from work and didn't feel like I needed any more time off. Now I have another week to go before work starts up again. Part of the reason for boredom, I think, is that I like to feel useful or important and right now I feel a bit useless and cast adrift. I don't really have any hobbies, except reading and tv, and don't know what I'd like to learn. I don't have a lot of disposable income to just buy something to try either. I think if I had a plan I'd've felt better. During my week off in the summer I painted the boys' bedrooms to keep busy and it worked, I felt rested but active. I would paint now but I live in northern Alberta and it's too cold outside for paint to properly stick to inside walls in the winter. Or at least, that's why my mom didn't ever paint in the winter.

There was a comment on my blog about painting for boredom relief and when I went to her blog she said she's a photography buff. I like taking pictures, maybe I should just grab my digital camera and go for a walk while the weather's not bad (It can get to -35 C here and I don't know if it would be good to freeze the camera by taking it outside). Hmmmmmmm. Definately worth a try.

Anyway, I digress. Or, I avoid talking about why I'm increasing my size. Whichever.

When I met S a year and a half ago I was only 132 lbs, so I've put on 37 freaking pounds in that time. Part of it is because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my ex so I worry all the time about stuff. Part of it is because I don't really know who I am enough to be someone different than S's girlfriend when he's around. Part of it is because I have this twisted idea that I have to be who S wants me to be, not who I actually am (that comes from having a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder - I always had to be who she needed me to be. I don't remember having an identity until my marriage broke up three years ago. I was always the person someone else needed me to be. I grew up with only private interests, never pursued them for fear of ridicule and being someone other than the image the person needed to see. If I had interests then I would start to become my own person and that was too scary). Part of it is also really bad eating habits. Before S moved in I was eating when I was hungry - frequently having dinner at 4:30 pm when the boys and I were hungry. Now I wait until 6:30 pm for S to get home, in the meantime I starve myself to make sure I'm hungry for dinner, then gorge myself and go to bed shortly after.

So, the biggest changes I'm going to make are no longer waiting for S to be home on weekdays to eat dinner. That way I'm eating when I'm hungry so I don't overdo it (remember, my day starts at 5 am at work, so dinner at 4:30 pm isn't too odd). And I will cultivate a new interest or two. I do like photography and I have a camera, no excuses there. I have already taken up yoga again (I loved it for a while but gave it up when my marriage dissolved) and I've been playing with watercolor pencils in an effort to renew my interest in drawing and art. So wish me luck! Only good luck please :)

On another note, my youngest gave me a hug today and did something he hasn't done for such a long time. He gave me a cheek hug :) This is where he's hugging me and presses his cheek against mine and holds it there for a while, moving a bit to find the right spot on my cheek with his cheek. I'd forgotten about these hugs as he hasn't given me one for such a long time. Nothing like a cheek hug to make my day :)