Monday, July 30, 2007

Doing better with new dosage

I'm feeling more stable now. Maybe the change in medication is working.



One thing that will definately bring on a Down is lack of time alone. That is something I'm going to have to make sure I get often. And I like time alone to be in my house, where other people join me. I don't like being alone somewhere and having to come back home to a houseful of people, even coming home to S and no one else is a bit too much.



I still can't seem to find any bipolar support groups or anything in my city. There are online communities, sure, but then I can't read the expressions of everybody and I don't post in those very often. So then I end up feeling left out or unimportant. I know that's silly, but it's how I feel.



S's family is having a big family reunion this weekend. I'm only sort of looking forward to it. I don't really want to be around that many people and have no down time at all. Meeting the people might be interesting though.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Change in medication

I've changed my medication to 750mg one night and 900mg the next night. My doctor had suggested this some time ago because at the time I felt that 900mg/day made me feel like a zombie. I can't remember that feeling any more and wonder if it really happened.

My motivation for the change was the burst of anger with other people's children. I felt like if I'd had a gun I'd've caused quite a bit of damage in a crowd. So I had to admit that I don't have control over being bipolar and that my medication wasn't enough. So now we'll see. I don't have regular psychiatrist or psychologist appointments and I'm shopping for a new doctor (mine is just never available and is closing her walk-in clinic).

It's hard to admit that I don't have any control over being bipolar. I thought I was managing it well. Time to get out of the Land of Denial.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Angry rant about children

Begin rant:

I am sick and tired of other people's children. I cannot stand the way the mothers think the world should step aside and let her children pass. I don't like the way they blame a driver for almost hitting her child instead of chiding herself for not watching her child more closely. There was a death in the area recently where the child ran out into the road and was hit. The parents think lights should be placed at that corner. How about not allowing your young child out of the safety of the yard? How about teaching your child about road safety so the child won't run out into it? How about making sure there is either a capable older child to watch over the younger one or (gasp!) a parent watching over the child outside the yard? How about being responsible for your own offspring?

Or how about parents that are so arrogant as to think their child is the only one of any importance in the universe. The ones that go to the school and say 'we can't have any coconut in today's celebration goodies, my Mary gets such a rash from it'. Seriously. Teach your child to bring her own snacks to the celebration and instruct the teacher that Mary is not to have any treats that may contain coconut. But to expect the rest of the class to cater to your allergies? Prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child. After all, you aren't going to go to Mary's boss one day and say the same thing are you? Teach your child how to live with her allergies safely.

And - oh my god - my biggest pet peeve of parents: talking in third person to your child. Saying "mommy said don't do that, mommy thinks it's dangerous", instead of "I said don't do that, I think it's dangerous." Take responsibility for your decisions and discipline. Putting it in third person makes it so this other person - "Mommy" - is the bad guy when it should be the parent that's the bad guy. Parents can't possibly be all good all the time.

I am sick of mommy groups as well. Every time I turn around I see the Mommy Losing Weight Group or Mommy and Me or Mommy's Night Out. As if by being a mommy you are now placed in some kind of special place. You're not special, you are just capable of reproduction. Big deal.

I am a mom. I have two boys. And there are days I cannot tolerate listening to a parent gush over how cute her baby was pooping in the public park's pool. What's so cute about that? Now the water is filthy for anyone else wanting to go in the wading pool. Or how adorable it was when her son took a 'love bite' on another kid's arm. Your child bit another child! Discipline him! There are days I hate having to be all gushy-lovey over the thousand pictures of someone's baby. Oh and don't even get me started on children who learn how to 'play' their parents. Oh good heavens, the child that screams up a storm because he wants a candy. Then when the parent gives in and says to me 'well, he's just going to keep crying until he gets it'. No. He's going to keep crying until you give in or some other shiny thing catches his eye. Now the child knows his mom doesn't like it when he cries and will use it to get what he wants.

I don't know where this venom is coming from. I know this attitude has always been there but I can usually put it aside or not feel so angry about it. Other people's kids bother me, and the parents that expect me to be in awe of the very existence of their child (yes, there are people I know like that) piss me off even more.

End rant.

*considering changing my dosage of lithium, I should be this flash-angry*

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

A bit Up...and hobbies

I think I may be climbing back Up just a bit. I found one significant reason I was in a longish down - I had absolutely no time at all to myself. S had two weeks off work and I had one week and we spent every moment together. I am not the kind of person who can recharge around others. I need time completely to myself to do as I choose. Even with kids I've always managed to get that time in for myself. Now I'm in a relationship with a man who likes to spend every bit of time together. Problem is, I can't just have time alone by shopping or seeing a movie or driving. It needs to be in my house. So I have to learn to take advantage of every opportunity to be the only one home.

It's been on my mind a lot that I don't really have any hobbies. Both of my sisters have hobbies (beading, jewelry making, photography, rocks and minerals, clothing design), my guy S has hobbies (computer games, tabletop miniature games, writing) and I don't. I like to read. And I like to watch people and listen to peole talk about their lives. I feel like I should be interested in something.....but I have no idea what. This is why I didn't go to schoo past grade 12, I had no idea what interested me and I didn't want to spend money on random classes.

I know the bipolar part of me doesn't have the energy or stamina to have a hobby, but I do feel like I would like to fill the non-working hours with something other than S. You know?

Friday, July 13, 2007

Down all the time

S has been off work for these last two weeks and I've been off for this last week. Most of the time I've been in a Down I think. Definately not terribly happy but not really sad either. Last week I had to work a lot of overtime and had very little sleep so I was mucho Cranky. I expected to be in a better mood this week but I really didn't want the week off work. I took it off because S kept going on and on about family time and time for us. He wanted me to take two weeks so I compromised on just the one week. Now I'll feel icky going back to work on Monday. I'll have to sort out my department and figure out what's different from when I was last in. I really hate that. I am my father's daughter and have a supremely strong work ethic. I don't call in sick or take personal days, and I've discovered I don't like vacation time either.

So I've been a little off kilter all week. What would have made a stunning vacation would have been some time completely to myself. Days where I could shop or walk or wander around a mall or festival. Instead S was with me (my boys are visiting S's family for a week in another city - so no kids around) and he hates leaving the house. Even if he comes for a walk with me he likes it to be short.

I did get my boys' rooms painted though. One is soothing blue and the other is screaming orange. They chose the colors. I just couldn't do nothing all week, I needed a project to keep me busy.

I called my doctor's office to get an appointment to refill my lithium and was told she's booked for the day. She changed the way she makes appointments, she doesn't book them in advance any more, you just call that morning and see if you can get in that day. Well, they start taking calls at 9 am and my dr was booked by 908 am. At least she had the requisition for the blood work faxed to a nearby lab and will have the refills called in to the pharmacy. But if the dr can't take the time to see me, will she actually read the blood results? And I wanted to get my blood pressure checked as well. Who will do that now?

I wish I was cheery again.