Coming Up and walking :)

I am feeling much better.....so much better than I have been in ages. I don't know why exactly, maybe an Up is coming, maybe a Down is finishing. The lithium makes is so difficult to tell because the symptoms are different.

I went for a walk today and it was unbelievable :) The air is so clean from all the rain that I could smell flowers in all the nearby gardens. The wind was strong, but not strong enough to bother me at all. And even though the sun was out it was hidden a bit behind a sheer layer of clouds which diffused the sun nicely.

I forgot how much I like taking a walk by myself. I had to stop doing it after my marriage ended two years ago because I had to get a job and was sooooo tired all the time. Now I get up very early in the morning to go to work so I miss my favorite walking time (dawn) and get home when the sun is out in full strength. I could walk more and would like to, and I would like to do it without kids or anyone. That's one reason I liked walking at dawn, not many people out and about yet to add noise to the day.

I think I'm Up a bit....

I have been soooooo sick lately :( Ok, it's only a head cold, but I rarely get sick at all and I've been just hammered by this virus. About once every five years I get super-sick and wonder if it's my body storing up all the viruses I could have had and slams me with them all at once. Anyway, I finally feel almost human again.

I don't even know what my moods have been lately because it was terribly stressful seeing my sister (as much as I love her, it's still hard to look at her and know she's dying) then I got this icky head cold. So now I don't feel the need to sleep all the time and I think I'm around Normal. Maybe a bit Up.

But Up only because I told S that I didn't want to get married right away. He told his mom to expect a wedding in the next year or so and even though we'd talked about the possibility of getting married, I guess I hadn't fully decided on it yet. I really didn't like feeling pressured into a decision (now that his mom thinks we are getting married I get to field all those awful wedding questions). I told S that this is why I didn't want to discuss marriage until a proposal had happened. After all, this is how I got married the first time, we'd talked about it but never really set a date until family overwhelmed us with questions about when it was going to happen. I do not want to be standing there in a dress at a ceremony wondering exactly when did I decide to get married. I mean, why not just live together for a while? I definately feel better and not so pressured to please everyone else.

Downish and achy

I feel ok today, maybe a touch on the Down side, but not bad at all.

My son's bike was stolen right out of our yard. This really sucks for him as it's the first major purchase he's ever made and he's owned it less than a month. My car was also broken into recently, I wonder if there is a rise in vandalism in our area or this is all just a fluke. I ended up buying him a new bike, slightly less expensive than the one he bought, but otherwise the same brand and size and most of the same features. He won't see it until tomorrow when he's back from his dad's.

My bowels have been giving me trouble lately. I don't know if it's some kind of intestinal virus or the lithium. I had some caffeine recently and have not been drinking enough water. Maybe a combination of both?

My sister is visiting from another province. I saw her twice this visit. She won't be up again until Christmas. Maybe. She has breast cancer that's moved to her bones, so visiting depends on how well she's feeling and all that. The bowel issue of mine might have been stress as well, it's hard to see someone you love and know that person won't be here in ten years, maybe not even five years.

Tired....oh so tired

For a very brief time the other day I felt very Up. Now I feel a bit Down, but possibly from lack of sleep again. It's so hard to find the right balance of sleep and awake without caffiene. At the moment I feel completely drained and would like the world to go away while I reset myself.

I saw my sister today. She lives in a different province and is visiting for a week. She has breast cancer that has moved into her bones but she is doing ok for the time being. That might be why I'm so drained - seeing her and staying positive. Also keeping the conversation focussed on her, which she prefers, and doing things she likes to do.

My younger son is becoming quite the delinquent. He's only 10 but seems to be going through adolesence already. His attitude sucks and he's doing very poorly in school. He's started calling girls slut, bitch, cunt and fat. His teacher thinks this is all my son, but I know these girls, they instigate a lot of arguements and name calling. Having said that, I know my son is not innocent in all of this. One of the biggest problems is his teacher. She seems to think he's a horse that needs breaking. Well, J doesn't stand for that kind of thing. He butts heads with her instead and challenges every rule she makes. Any rule that's arbitrary is argued with vehemence by J. I see that the teacher is not going to change her ways and J is not going to change his ways, so I'm considering a different school for J next year. He'd have the same teacher otherwise.

Down Down Down.....and tired

I've been in a Down this week, I think. Definately tired from working so much overtime. I felt like I just couldn't be bothered to make the barest of human contact. I just wanted to sleep or lie down or not function at all. One thing I was looking forward to was my boys growing up and moving out so I could just let myself go on the days I want to. Not the best idea, I know. At least with the boys or S I feel like I have to maintain some modicum of decency.

All day at work I felt like I was swimming in molasses with brief patches of honey. It was hard to move all day and especially hard to move quickly. I took advantage of every honey moment and moved as fast as possible, but really, I'm exhausted simply from existing today.

I did get a raise today :) An extra $1.10 an hour, which is excellent for my industry. My boss also said I can expect more at my review in September. I admit I didn't negotiate very well, but this was the very first time ever I'd even asked for more money from any employer. I wouldn't even raise my rates when I ran a dayhome. Overall I'm very proud of myself. And tired.

Good but still hot and mostly tired

I'm still feeling good, but very tired from the heat and overtime at work. But I'm handling things well for the moment, and am able to think clearly.

My sister's breast cancer has moved to her bones and she will die probably within five years. She recently has said she longs for a master's degree in textiles and design as that's where her heart really is. She studied math at school and had an excellent job at a leading computer company before her cancer came back. As sad as I am for her because she won't have the energy or time to pursue her dream, I couldn't help but think of myself. If I knew I only had five years to live, what career do I wish I had followed or investigated? I couldn't think of any (maybe because I'm so darn tired). I like my job. It's hard physical work, but I enjoy it. I get left alone to do my work, I'm not watched by the bosses all day and I can choose the order and pace (sometimes) of my day. But I wonder, what would I regret if I knew life would be cut short?