I'd been trying those EMPowerPlus vitamins as a way of controlling the Bipolar Disorder, but when I increased the dosage they made me sick :( So I stopped taking them completely and am now not on any medication at all.
This is the way I have been most of my life. Usually I'm able to control things enough not to make really stupid decisions or feel suicidal, so this is the way I'm going to be doing things for a while. I know my triggers, I know when an Up or Down is coming and I know how to get through them with minimal damage. I am adept at handling all this and have been all my life.
Keep in mind I've never been hospitalized because of mania and have never had any psychotic episodes. I'm not suicidal and never have been. I think I could define my Bipolar as 'light'. Irritating, yes, severe, no. At least I know I can get another psychiatrist appointment if I need one and S is very supportive about dealing with the Bipolar in a way that keeps me comfortable.
That was the biggest thing, the medications I tried actually decreased my quality of life. Now why would I want to do that? People try to tell me that I have to take medication and deal with the side effects. But why can't the Bipolar Disorder simply be a side effect of being me that I have to deal with instead?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Chocolate Bean
I've managed to stay away from large amounts of chocolate lately....woooohoooo! Ok, I've been eating cookies, but only two a day and the odd mouthful of cake at work but not every day. But no chocolate bar or candy in the evenings!
I've dropped a little weight - down to 165 lbs. Not bad, but of course I was hoping for more :)
I had been lazy in using my Bowflex lately as well, sooooo tired after work and no time before work. I got back on it today and completed one of my routines. I felt very good at sweating and moving my body. I also dug out a yoga tape I had made for myself years ago. It's several episodes of the show Namaste. I used to be faithful in following a yoga program daily, but that fell away when I had to get a full time job because my ex left three years ago. The big thing about that is I followed the yoga with my boys in the house. When I first started yoga eight years ago I didn't tell a soul I was doing it. I was afraid of being ridiculed and then not having the confidence to do it anymore. So I waited until I was sure I would keep practicing yoga even if people made fun of me (they did, and I kept on). Even then I would only do it in an empty house or when the dayhome kids were napping. No one to watch or leer. So doing it with my boys in the house opened me up to the possibility of them scoffing and making fun. As it was, they didn't even come out of their rooms. At least I know I can do it with them in the house and I have the confidence to keep going no matter what they say. Not saying they would tease me, but I am super-over-ridiculously sensitive to even the most innocent of comments because of how I was raised.
I feel good when I exercise and feel like my body is healthy :)
I've dropped a little weight - down to 165 lbs. Not bad, but of course I was hoping for more :)
I had been lazy in using my Bowflex lately as well, sooooo tired after work and no time before work. I got back on it today and completed one of my routines. I felt very good at sweating and moving my body. I also dug out a yoga tape I had made for myself years ago. It's several episodes of the show Namaste. I used to be faithful in following a yoga program daily, but that fell away when I had to get a full time job because my ex left three years ago. The big thing about that is I followed the yoga with my boys in the house. When I first started yoga eight years ago I didn't tell a soul I was doing it. I was afraid of being ridiculed and then not having the confidence to do it anymore. So I waited until I was sure I would keep practicing yoga even if people made fun of me (they did, and I kept on). Even then I would only do it in an empty house or when the dayhome kids were napping. No one to watch or leer. So doing it with my boys in the house opened me up to the possibility of them scoffing and making fun. As it was, they didn't even come out of their rooms. At least I know I can do it with them in the house and I have the confidence to keep going no matter what they say. Not saying they would tease me, but I am super-over-ridiculously sensitive to even the most innocent of comments because of how I was raised.
I feel good when I exercise and feel like my body is healthy :)
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Bipolar Budget
I was re-adjusting the budget and explaining it to S, when he said "you are very bipolar with the budget aren't you". That statement took me by surprised and I actually felt a bit offended, until I saw he was right.
The way I've done the budget for the past, ummm, 18 years, was to figure out how much I wanted to spend in each catagory and budget that amount. I would then figure that if the incoming money came short of the outgoing money we would just find it 'somewhere'. Usually the money does appear, from overtime or comissions or GST rebates or whatever.
S's comment made me look hard at the actual numbers I was putting into Excel and I saw that the outgoing amounts were four hundred dollars more than the incoming! So I re-did the numbers to put smaller payments on the credit cards and other debt and now the incoming is a tad more than the outgoing. The sucky thing is at that pace it will take two years to pay off all of the debts, not including S's student loans. At least it's realistic now.
And, I wanted to buy a new couch soooooooooo badly, but then really heard my sons say their mattresses were crap. I sat on their beds and my butt was greeted with lumpy springs and sagging edges. So now any money not budgeting in (commissions, GST, overtime) will go into a savings account and the first thing we will buy will be two mattress/box spring sets for the boys. Then a couch :)
Sigh. I've been trying to get out of debt for 18 years. Hopefully I'm mature enough to have learned my lessons and will finally pay it off. Luckily, S feels the same way I do.
My huge goal is to build a house, but that won't happen until my boys move out. At least the rent here is cheap, it makes everything else easier.
The way I've done the budget for the past, ummm, 18 years, was to figure out how much I wanted to spend in each catagory and budget that amount. I would then figure that if the incoming money came short of the outgoing money we would just find it 'somewhere'. Usually the money does appear, from overtime or comissions or GST rebates or whatever.
S's comment made me look hard at the actual numbers I was putting into Excel and I saw that the outgoing amounts were four hundred dollars more than the incoming! So I re-did the numbers to put smaller payments on the credit cards and other debt and now the incoming is a tad more than the outgoing. The sucky thing is at that pace it will take two years to pay off all of the debts, not including S's student loans. At least it's realistic now.
And, I wanted to buy a new couch soooooooooo badly, but then really heard my sons say their mattresses were crap. I sat on their beds and my butt was greeted with lumpy springs and sagging edges. So now any money not budgeting in (commissions, GST, overtime) will go into a savings account and the first thing we will buy will be two mattress/box spring sets for the boys. Then a couch :)
Sigh. I've been trying to get out of debt for 18 years. Hopefully I'm mature enough to have learned my lessons and will finally pay it off. Luckily, S feels the same way I do.
My huge goal is to build a house, but that won't happen until my boys move out. At least the rent here is cheap, it makes everything else easier.
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