Bored

I am so bored. Bored bored bored boredboredboredbored. I was so happy yesterday when S came home from work - at last, someone to talk to! But he was tired and the conversation stilted, so bedtime came quick. Now here I am facing hours of awake time left and I have nothing to do. My book isn't very good (Letter From Point Clear by Dennis McFarland) and I just can't seem to get absorbed in it at all. I could play with my watercolor pencils, but I feel like there is no inspriation. No good tv shows on. No good movies coming on. I am restless and bored.

I only have one friend I could call.....but she's at work. I used to have another friend, but something happened that I can't really define and we haven't spoken since summer.

I could use the new Bowflex we bought. But I would just wind up sitting on it staring at the ceiling. I've taken up yoga again, but feel equally unmotivated for it right now.

I'm not sad at all or overly happy. I'm not angry or irritable. Just restless. Like I'm waiting for something so there's no point in starting anything, you know?

The sucky thing is that I have about two more weeks of this. I work in a commercial bakery and we don't work for the week between Christmas and New Year's. Then we have two weeks of Shutdown to contend with. This is a time when major maintenance will be done, extensive cleaning and whatever. I'm due back at work on Fri 11Jan08, but possibly earlier if the freezers run too low of supply of our wonderful cakes. The plant shuts down, but not sales.

Have I gone and made my job the biggest part of my life?!? Eeeeek! I've always frowned upon those people and now I'm uncovering the uncomfortable fact that I am one. Ew. For the last year I've been on lithium and I felt like I was in such a fog that I was unable to even think about what I like and don't like, much less take up a hobby. During this last year I felt like I was disappearing as a person and felt the need to find some way of defining myself other that to say 'medicated'.

I stopped taking the lithium early this month (weaned off of it, not suddenly stopped it) and I feel very much...even. I am still mourning the death of little T but not over-the-edge depressed. I'm still stressed about The Gathering, but it's at a minimum for now. I've decided to go and pretend it's not even my family. That these people don't know me so I can choose what to show them. And if they try to prejudge me or my behaviour, I can decide to accept that or let them know different. Whatever. It will be what it is and I will do my best to go with good intentions.

I have a bottle of Epival on my nightstand waiting to be ingested, one pill at a time. I don't want to take it because right now I feel normal. And I really don't like the possible side effects of bedwetting and hair loss. I have discussed it with S and he is on alert as well to see if my moods take a dangerous swing. I have always readily accepted my moods - dark and light - and now that I have a name for it I can see myself accepting the need for medication if necessary. The only reason I took lithium is because the psychiartist said so and I generally follow medical practitioner's advice. Until recently, that it :) Now I question why is it needed? Why this one? What makes the pdoc think this will work best for me? If the pdoc can't answer these questions except to say "take your meds" then I'm not enthusiastic about taking them. Remember dear readers, I'm not ever suicidal or so manic as to be taken to the hospital. I'm only ever paralytic for an hour, depressed for a day, flying high for a day or two, cycling usually in a week. Except lately I've been steady and deceptively normal. And restless.

Christmas and the Gathering

Christmas Day with the four of us was the best I've ever had :) Everyone liked their gifts, there was no fighting or 'cooped up' behaviour and no stress over meals. It was easy, relaxed, fun, enjoyable and peaceful. I have always wished for Christmas to be like that and now I've finally had it - after 36 failed attempts :) Actually, that's not fair, when I was a child I had no control over my environment and had to go with the flow, but I seem to remember never feeling comfortable. This year I finally felt comfortable and at ease. I would like next year to be the same, if it's not too much trouble for the Karma Gods :)

I don't know if I want to go to my family gathering on Saturday. I was thanked by my sister for saying I would be on my best behaviour, and insulted by the thanks. I mean really, how old am I? Five? Do I need to actually say to people that I'll be on my best behaviour? I don't recall anyone ever asking my older sister to be less mean, or my mom to be less attention-grabbing, why did I have to be asked to be 'good'? Besides....what they don't seem to know or acknowledge is that I've always been on my best behaviour at family gatherings.

I read my older sister's blog and saw she was shopping all day with my younger sister. Both of them are in town and neither has contacted me at all. Now, I don't really expect them to, but I still feel very left out anyway. I have the clear impression that I'm not wanted at the gathering, that not many of them like me or want to spend the time with me, it's just an obligation thing.

S and the boys have already said they don't want to go. My older son asked if the gifts could just be mailed to him as he doesn't want to see anyone. S has said he will go and support me no matter what, but he would prefer not to go. So the decision rests with me. Do I go and try to have a good time and enjoy the company of the two people I'd like to see (my aunt and dad), or do I stay away and avoid any potential stress and hope my dad lives long enough for me to see him?

The Gathering Approaches

Christmas will be here tomorrow and I am ready! For my immediate family, anyway. I am anticipating a good day tomorrow with my boyfriend S and my two MITs (Men In Training), aka my boys. I think the gifts that were chosen will go over well and they will be pleased.

On Saturday is my extended family gathering. We will have my mom (with Borderline Personality Disorder) and my dad (we just found out his carotid arteries are 100% blocked (yes, really) and his body developed 'collaterals' to keep the blood flowing. Stress can cause a chunk to break free and kill my dad. His femoral arteries are also blocked but I don't know how much. He is facing the possiblity of amputating the feet. The blockage could break free for no reason as well as stress). There will be my dad's sister (a psychologist by training but in her seventies. She's had a hard life but has persevered) as well. My older sister will be there (she has stage four breast cancer that's spread to her bones. She's on mucho pain medication and opiates. She also seems to think the world should cater to how she feels emotionally) and my younger sister (she believes she has Asperber's Syndrome, but I don't recall her being formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist and sees a family doctor for her needs. She said outright in an email that we should all try to change each other.) with her husband (not much to say on him) and 13 year old daughter (who is raising her mother) and her daughter's best friend. My S and boys will be there as well.

Now, let's take that group and make the gathering fun. My mom is trepiditious because I exploded last year saying I wasn't listened to. I have no intention of exploding now. Evidently, her psychologist has suggested we have a discussion circle to get to know each other where questions can be asked and we can each answer. My older sister took this idea and added rules to it. No offensive behaviour, no belittling, don't interrupt, be honest. Some of her rules are obvious and don't really need stating - of course we should be on our best behaviour. The problem arises when my older sister started fine tuning what kind of behaviour could not be exhibited. The kind of behaviour that makes me the person I am. So I took offense at that. If she doesn't like me (I know she loves me, she's my sister, but she doesn't like me as a human being) why should I have to change who I am to get her to like me?

Oh my good God, the gathering approaches.

Mourning a little angel

I have been dealing with the death of a little girl I used to look after. She had just turned 10 last month and was in an accident with her mom, who is still my hairdresser. The mom suffered some injuries but the daughter died about a week after the accident because of her injuries.

This little girl was my first ever child to look after. I had her from about five months old to preschool age and adored her. She was my favorite of all the children that passed through my house. I still talk about her with fondness and talk about her mother as being the best mom I'd ever encountered. She is firm with her children, but loving. She puts restrictions on their lives but only because she loves them so dearly. She didn't ever give in after saying 'no', she had never been afraid of losing her children's friendships because after all, she is their mom not friend. She allowed them to develop who they are but retain a strong moral compass.

During the memorial I wanted to stand up and say something, but saw in an instant that the rest of this gathering doesn't need to hear me prattle on. I did get a chance to hug the mom and tell her I held her in such high regard as a parent, and that her daughter was well loved by her and well cared for, she had a good ten years here with us. I told her how her daughter was my favorite and always will be, and that now there is an angel whose name we know.

Although I am sad and feel like crying at inappropriate times, I'm not plunging into the depths of depression. I think my reactions are normal. Or as normal as I can be, I suppose. I do think of this as a test of my fortitude in dealing with Bipolar Disorder without any medication. Well, this combined with Christmas.

Christmas is coming like a speeding train

So, my sister that hasn't spoken to me in almost a year did indeed answer an email I sent out - hopefully a good sign. I asked her if she's ok with the idea that all of us are getting together for a gathering (nobody really asked me if it was ok so I didn't know if they asked her if it was ok to be there with me). She's fine with it. She was acting as if there was never any problem. I had momentarily forgotten that my family deals with things this way. We pretend all is good and hide our resentments and anger. We stuff all those icky feelings way deep down and put food on top of it.

So a family gathering is approaching with Christmas. I had originally discussed it with S and said that it's better I opt out of any kind of arranging. I tend to pick up the ball when it's been dropped, or looks like it'll be dropped, or is being held by someone else. I started to get a bit excited about the gathering and realized I could have control (oh yeah, I'm a bit control-freaky sometimes) and have the event the way I wanted it. Most everyone else was washing their hands of planning so I could do all of it. I was planning the meal in my head and how to seat everyone in my kitchen. I had arranged when the gift opening would be and where board games would be played. Then I talked to my older sister on the phone. She started with the 'suggestions' (she's also control-freaky) and wouldn't let up on what was important to her. She didn't really seem to hear me when I shot the ideas down, it is my gathering after all. I left the conversation in a bad mood and felt the Down coming.

It took me until today at work to realize that the Down is from the inevitable stress of planning anything to do with my family. It would be great if their ideas were merely ideas and not expectations, it would be easy if people were grateful instead of critical and it would be fantastic if the only words in the house were positive and supportive instead of negative and nasty. I quickly figured out that if I continue on this path I will be beaten down and exhausted from all of it. I would spend the next two weeks trying to please every person and attempt to facilitate everyone's expectations.

So today after work I sent off an email saying all I need to know is the date, time, what to bring and whether or not to be hungry. I just checked my email and one sister has already responded with ideas about what to eat. It took a remarkable amount of self-control to not respond and give my 'suggestions'. I need to remember to butt the hell out and just show up at the designated time.

Oh my, oh my, Christmas is coming.

Saw a psychiatrist

I finally got in to see a psychiatrist last week and it didn't go very well. She was late, which irritates me to no end but I do understand emergencies come up. Then part of the way into the appointment she started looking for something. I stopped talking mid-sentance, which she didn't notice, then asked her what she'd lost. Her wallet, apparently. She actually left the room to go looking for it. Good heavens. She didn't find it and decided to keep on with the appointment. Oh lucky me.

Then she noticed the name of the psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder and was in awe. He is quite famous to her I suppose. I didn't much like the first psychiatrist just because he announced I have BD and sent prescriptions to my family doctor, who is more of a OB/GYN than anything else. How is my family doctor supposed to manage BD? She put me on lithium but had no follow up at all. I was the one requesting bloodwork and asking about the odd side effects.

Anyway, this new psychiatrist is weaning me off of lithium and wants me on Epival. One of the side effects is....depression. Now why would I want to be depressed all the time? I had enough of that with lithium. She did inform me that an anti-depressant may be what's needed, but I'm thinking we should find a medicine we both find acceptable. Now that I don't have so much lithium clogging up my brain I intend on researching some of the medications to see what's available for rapid-cycling and compare what the side effects are. I mean, Epival can cause hair loss and bedwetting. Why would I willingly take that?

What I really want to do is try to manage the BD on my own, without pills. I have been managing it since I was around 12 and doing a pretty good job of it. I have never been hospitalized for manic and I have never felt or been suicidal at all. I suspect I have a very mild form of BD and I want to really look inside my own head to see how bad it really is. I don't like a stranger - doctor or otherwise - telling me how I am without listening to me try to explain the way it feels. Both psychiatrists appeared to have a list of questions to ask and were unwilling to listen to information other than what they asked for. Frustrating.

The only reason I wanted to see a psychiatrist originally was because I noticed the mood swings get a bit out of hand. I was depressed more and having a difficult time trying to stay on a relatively even keel. Now I think it was probably S moving in and me feeling like I needed to change my routines and rhythms. Also, S found that his depression pills worked like magic and he kept gently letting me know that they worked for him, maybe there is a pill for me.

One of my favorite quotes from Emo Phillips: "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."