Four different chemicals

Things seem to be going well, I feel almost normal :) About as normal as I can be, anyway.

The way I used to see events in my life was determined by which chemical was in my brain at the time. Like wearing different colored glasses will change how you see the world around you. I thought there were only three ways to see things: manic, depressive and angry. I have found another, and it seems much more dangerous. That is the complete absence of feeling. The 'dead inside' feeling with malevolence added. When I feel this way I don't have any compassion for any living being, I don't have any desire to interact with people and in fact they just irritate me. This one is dangerous because if I act on any thought during this time it turns out disastrous. Lucky for me this particular chemical is very short lived (about a day at worst, three or four days total) and reasonably rare. I think I scare the people around me with that one.

Doing well

I've been on an Up lately, no complaints there :) Mostly I've been in a good mood and able to get things done.

I really am starting to dislike the acne though. Never have I broken out so much. I'm even getting used to the extra weight. Well, sort of, I still don't like it.

I need a new doctor. Mine never seems to be available and wants to focus on OB/GYN patients now. So I have to see if I can find a new one somewhere and hope that new one is good. I wouldn't mind a psychiatrist as well. I need someone to talk to about being bipolar. It would be good to talk to someone who has some knowledge of the subject.

Oh yeah - I'm Up

I'm definately on an Up. I can't avoid saying that any more. I haven't needed nearly as much sleep as usual and I haven't napped yet today. Instead I went shopping for even more lingerie because, really, I need more bras. A drawerful just isn't enough.

I also 'scooped' my son's room. He's twelve and a packrat. Every once in a while I go into his room with him and we scoop. This is where we (mostly I) quickly go through everything. All the garbage gets thrown out (several large bags' worth - in a small room!), clothes get picked up and bedding tossed back on the bed. Then...oooo this is important....I put all the toys in bins except the toys I know are special to him. Next, I take the bins and hide them when he's not looking. Then, if he wants a toy from the bin he has to ask for it by name and I have 24 hours to produce it for him. After six months the remaining toys get taken to Goodwill. I'm pretty sure his room just reproduces junk with mates with itself and creates more junk. Man o man it gets out of control.

Also, at work I've been especially chipper and efficient. It's like I have renewed energy from somewhere.

This is probably not a good thing. I don't think I should be able to feel so Up. I should feel more even. I need to talk to my doctor about the lithium dosage I think. And about acne medicine. I am tired of looking like a teenager with bad skin.

Mostly ok....and a bit sad

I seem to be feeling mostly ok. Someone at work even said I was patient. Me. Patient. Then I realized that things really don't get to me any more. I still stress a little bit about things, but never so it overtakes my life. I can easily just acknowledge that something is annoying or a time-waster at work, but then I don't feel in any way uptight about it. I just complete the task and move on.

Having said that...I am sad that I didn't participate in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer. I was unable to raise the required $2000. Ok, I barely tried. I asked family and friends and was turned down each time. People said they had no money as they sucked on cigarettes, or that it's not a worthwhile cause after I finished telling them my sister has stage four cancer. I felt worthless and insignificant so it was very difficult to ask total strangers for donations. I know, that's an excuse, I could have done it anyway. It was just too hard. So I lied to myself about how much I wanted to participate. Then I was taken by surprise at how much I thought about it and missed it from last year.

Maybe it would have been easier if I'd had a group to funraise and walk with, but there wasn't a group for me. As with most other times in my life I wasn't able to find a team for me to join.

I think it's time for me to accept that I will live on the fringes of the world, never really a part of anything and forever watching groups form away from me. Maybe the lithium will make it easier to be likeable, or maybe I'm just not the kind of person people want to include in parties, groups, gatherings or get-togethers.

Dose seems to be working

So, I'm on a new dose of lithium that seems to be working well. One woman I work with told me I'm so calm and I don't get frustrated at all. I started to disagree with her, then realized that I really am not prone to frustration or anything. It sucks when I'm pulled away from my work to do something else and I do fret about it, but then I just assume I'll get my work done anyway. Where I would normally get all riled up I now just go about my work.

I think my brain was trying to have an Up this week. I went to work just soaring and ready for anything. I knew right away it was an Up and was quite pleased about it. Then I had one negative thought and the Up was gone, like a door slammed on it. Then I was just Neutral and have been since then. I like Ups and miss them.

Sleepless....again

Ok, so, the change in my medication seems to have made a good difference. My moods are better and a bit more manageable. But. Oh yes, But. I barely slept at all this week. Maybe two hours each night with a nap of about two hours in the afternoon. On an Up I know I need less sleep, but I also feel well-rested on less sleep. I was so tired at work I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye and hearing music playing when there was none. I felt super drugged all the time. I would try to sleep but no matter how tired I was I would just lay awake and listen to the outside world get more and more quiet.

This weekend I have three days off work. On Friday I took a three hour nap and then slept for 11 hours at night. I also had a good nine hour sleep last night. So what's going on? Am I stressing about something? Is it work? Personal life? My boys? Hopefully I'll be able to figure it out soon. I like a good night's sleep.

On another note, I bought all the school supplies for my boys. It came to over $300!! Holy Mother Of Pearl that's expensive!! I also noticed they have refill paper with colored edges and pictures on them. Kind of a ridiculous expense, I think.