Moved

I've moved! My new blog can be found at: beanspath.blogspot.com

Hobbies

We bought a new video game for the Xbox. I thought I'd hate it and that only the three men in my house would play but I love it! It's Rock Band and I'm the drummer :) Something about it I really enjoy.

I want to paint with watercolors again but I'm so tired all the time. I need to just sit down and try it, preferably when I'm alone in the house. I hate trying something new or a new technique and have other people watch and comment. I know there's nothing negative that would be said, but it's just the way I am.

The other thing I want to do is cross stitch on the diagonal. My dad did a picture of a siamese cat on the diagonal years and years ago. Of course my mom doesn't have it anymore or the pattern, so I'm going to have to figure it out from scratch. Hopefully my boyfriend will be immersed in his hobbies so I can find more time for mine. He expects me to sit and talk when he's home. Ok, it's the routine we've both developed but sometimes it drives me nuts. Sometimes I just want to read, and I tell him that and try to read. But then he just keeps talking to me anyway. I end up putting the book down.

21 December 2012

Is the world going to end in 2012? Someone at work was talking about seeing the Mayan calendar in person only to discover the last date on it was 21Dec2012. Why would the calendar end?

One theory is that the world will be in alignment with the sun, along with Saturn and Jupiter. When the sun goes through it's magnetic pole change (every eleven years, aparently) the gravitational pull will cause Earth to suffer. Such changes can already be seen in more frequent natural disasters. It's even possible that the Earth will change poles so that the North Pole will be the equater and vice versa. That would be odd. I have no idea if any of this is true, but it's interesting to think about.

Food

I'm reading a book right now - In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan - and it may explain why I'm chubby. It focuses on the idea that actual food is good for you and food product is not. Real food includes red meat, vegetables, butter, fruit, any other meat and liquid oil. Food product would be things that are made by manufacturers to resemble something you could eat, like Cheez Whiz, low-fat anything, low-carb anything and cereals. In order to make the food low-something they need to take away the 'bad' and replace it with chemical stuff. It is actually better for you to eat real stuff in moderate quantities than man-made stuff in tiny quantities. It involves actually preparing every single thing I eat.



The other issue the book discusses is nutrients. We need them, but we need them in the food they come in, not singled out and added to stuff. It's been proven over the last thirty years that we get fatter when we single out the nutrients and skip the whole food. Something to think about, anyway.

Faking it

I found myself faking it yesterday. At work, especially. I didn't have enough sleep that night and was completely unable to care one bit about anyone or how they felt. Now I know that's not the way to get along with people so instead of being bitchy and snarking at everyone, I just faked it. I smiled and laughed when I knew there was a joke. I looked sad when appropriate. Mostly I just wanted everyone to go away.

One of the ways I know I'm Up or Down is the topic of marriage. When I'm Up I'd love to marry my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him. As soon as my thinking changes in the beginnings of a Down I start thinking how I want time alone. I don't want to be anchored to one person forever. I want a house all to myself. It's interesting that I am aware of my thoughts enough to think "oh, here comes an Up" before I feel the chemical change in my brain. Now I just need to learn how to not allow my negative Down-thoughts rule the day. I need to remember that a Down is not the time to make any huge decisions.

Change in attitude

Depending on where I am in my cycle of Ups and Downs, my thinking changes. My boyfriend has been collecting photos of tall, thin women for drawing examples. On an Up I can see why he would do that and I don't take much offence at it. On a Down I was devastated that he would amass a collection of women so far from what I look like. I ended up getting very angry about it and ripping him apart. After I'd calmed down I realized I blew the whole thing out of proportion and forever altered our relationship.

I see pornography the same way, on an Up it's ok, even fun. On a Down I am envious and jealous and think all my boyfriend wants to see is other women. Same with kids, on an Up I think other people's kids are cute and loveable. I can look at them and admire them. On a Down I want them nowhere around me and become that horrible middle-aged mean woman who hates kids. They irritate me and I want to banish them from my existence. Except for my kids, I feel the same way about them no matter where in the cycle I am.

So why would my brain chemistry be so changed depending on where I am in my cycle? Has any research been done about how brain chemistry effects thinking and reasoning? Do any other people with Bipolar Disorder see such a marked difference in attitude and opinion based on how far Up or Down they are?

I realize how difficult it must be for those around me. It's hard to have friends when I go from feeling ok with something to vehemently against it the next day. And for my family, how nerve-wracking it must be to try to predict the mood I'm in and either bring up or hide specific topics.

I know all of this is indications of needing medication. But I don't want to give up the sharpness of my mind just yet. I tried lithium and it made me feel dull and emotionless. I tried the EMPowerplus but felt horribly nauseous. For now I will keep an eye on myself and be aware that I feel differently depending on my chemical levels in my brain. One thing for sure, it is an excellent indication of where I am in my cycle so I can see the big Up or Down coming.

Sleep

I am so tired. I didn't sleep well again last night. I don't know why, but most likely stress. I tossed and turned for hours before finally falling asleep in time to be jolted awake by my alarm.



It's been this way definately since Daylight Savings and the clock change. Then I thought it was the sheets so I bought more cotton jersey sheets. I wore out the old ones and had put regular broadcloth on the bed. The new sheets helped for a day or two, but now I can't sleep again. Most of the day I feel ok, not too draggy-assed. But I get home from work exhausted and have nothing left for my boyfriend or kids. I hope tonight will be a better sleep.

Travel

I was talking to a co-worker today who mentioned travelling after retirement. I told her I have no desire to see the world any more than I already have (really, that's not much). I find the idea of travel to be a hassle, packing everything, closing the house for the duration, getting to the destination, trying to enjoy everything with the panic that it'll be over soon. None of that sounds like fun to me. I can maybe see why some people would want a more worldly view, but bottom line, if I never travelled from this point on I don't think I'd feel like I missed much. I didn't like the sneering attitude from the worker though. Like it's wrong to not travel, wrong to want to work and wrong to be content where I am.

EMPowerPlus

I'd been trying those EMPowerPlus vitamins as a way of controlling the Bipolar Disorder, but when I increased the dosage they made me sick :( So I stopped taking them completely and am now not on any medication at all.



This is the way I have been most of my life. Usually I'm able to control things enough not to make really stupid decisions or feel suicidal, so this is the way I'm going to be doing things for a while. I know my triggers, I know when an Up or Down is coming and I know how to get through them with minimal damage. I am adept at handling all this and have been all my life.



Keep in mind I've never been hospitalized because of mania and have never had any psychotic episodes. I'm not suicidal and never have been. I think I could define my Bipolar as 'light'. Irritating, yes, severe, no. At least I know I can get another psychiatrist appointment if I need one and S is very supportive about dealing with the Bipolar in a way that keeps me comfortable.



That was the biggest thing, the medications I tried actually decreased my quality of life. Now why would I want to do that? People try to tell me that I have to take medication and deal with the side effects. But why can't the Bipolar Disorder simply be a side effect of being me that I have to deal with instead?

Chocolate Bean

I've managed to stay away from large amounts of chocolate lately....woooohoooo! Ok, I've been eating cookies, but only two a day and the odd mouthful of cake at work but not every day. But no chocolate bar or candy in the evenings!

I've dropped a little weight - down to 165 lbs. Not bad, but of course I was hoping for more :)

I had been lazy in using my Bowflex lately as well, sooooo tired after work and no time before work. I got back on it today and completed one of my routines. I felt very good at sweating and moving my body. I also dug out a yoga tape I had made for myself years ago. It's several episodes of the show Namaste. I used to be faithful in following a yoga program daily, but that fell away when I had to get a full time job because my ex left three years ago. The big thing about that is I followed the yoga with my boys in the house. When I first started yoga eight years ago I didn't tell a soul I was doing it. I was afraid of being ridiculed and then not having the confidence to do it anymore. So I waited until I was sure I would keep practicing yoga even if people made fun of me (they did, and I kept on). Even then I would only do it in an empty house or when the dayhome kids were napping. No one to watch or leer. So doing it with my boys in the house opened me up to the possibility of them scoffing and making fun. As it was, they didn't even come out of their rooms. At least I know I can do it with them in the house and I have the confidence to keep going no matter what they say. Not saying they would tease me, but I am super-over-ridiculously sensitive to even the most innocent of comments because of how I was raised.

I feel good when I exercise and feel like my body is healthy :)

Bipolar Budget

I was re-adjusting the budget and explaining it to S, when he said "you are very bipolar with the budget aren't you". That statement took me by surprised and I actually felt a bit offended, until I saw he was right.

The way I've done the budget for the past, ummm, 18 years, was to figure out how much I wanted to spend in each catagory and budget that amount. I would then figure that if the incoming money came short of the outgoing money we would just find it 'somewhere'. Usually the money does appear, from overtime or comissions or GST rebates or whatever.

S's comment made me look hard at the actual numbers I was putting into Excel and I saw that the outgoing amounts were four hundred dollars more than the incoming! So I re-did the numbers to put smaller payments on the credit cards and other debt and now the incoming is a tad more than the outgoing. The sucky thing is at that pace it will take two years to pay off all of the debts, not including S's student loans. At least it's realistic now.

And, I wanted to buy a new couch soooooooooo badly, but then really heard my sons say their mattresses were crap. I sat on their beds and my butt was greeted with lumpy springs and sagging edges. So now any money not budgeting in (commissions, GST, overtime) will go into a savings account and the first thing we will buy will be two mattress/box spring sets for the boys. Then a couch :)

Sigh. I've been trying to get out of debt for 18 years. Hopefully I'm mature enough to have learned my lessons and will finally pay it off. Luckily, S feels the same way I do.

My huge goal is to build a house, but that won't happen until my boys move out. At least the rent here is cheap, it makes everything else easier.

End of debt

I am so sick of owing money to credit cards and crap. I have owed money since around 1990 and none of it is 'good debt' like a house or investment loans. I don't own my house, I rent, and I want to build a house one day. First, I have to get out of debt.

As of right now S and I owe $20,555 and some change. When I met him I had debt left over from my marriage of about $5000, the rest is his. He also has student loans to pay off, it is not included in the above amount.

I made a deal with S after watching our spending for a year. We were putting $1500/month on the debts but only $500/month was being credited because we were spending $1000/month on the cards! I figured we would be lost without a firm goal in mind so we agreed that if we get the debt down to $14,000 by August of this year........we could buy a new couch! Now I know it's silly to accrue more debt as a reward, but I'm so sick of my ex-mother-in-law's couch in my house and I never seem to have the money to replace it. So. Knowing that the only way to get a new couch is to pay off a bunch of debt is quite the motivating factor for me. With S, well, he doesn't like debt, but I'm the one staring at the budget every month and arranging payments. Not that he doesn't help sometimes, but I prefer to do it all myself.

I can't wait for a new couch!

Chocolate Diary

So, I must not have read what I typed the other day about chocolate. I indeed had a chocolate doughnut that evening with a couple of chocolate chip cookies. The day after I had just two chocolate cookies and a tiny bit of chocolate at work. Yesterday I had a teeny pinch of chocolate chunk at work and today I had a cookie and a bite of chocolate caramel cake at work. So I'm not completely off chocolate. I haven't had my evening candy though! I'm proud of myself for that. It is the most difficult to give up - I have been having an evening chocolate bar/candy for most of my adult life.

Stupidly, the chocolate I've been eating has been mostly unconscious. I don't realize what I'm doing until I'm chewing it already. I definately need to watch that. What else have I been putting in my mouth in the way of food without being aware of it, I wonder?

I can do this, I really can :) The panic is starting to subside, but it's still there.

Chocolate

So. I've realized one of the reasons I've gained so much weight in the last year and a bit.

When my ex-husband left I lost about 10 pounds without even trying, then took off a bit more and got down to about 130 lbs. I was no longer living with constant worry and aggrivation so I didn't feel the need to eat chocolate so much. I also didn't have to worry about feeding him (he would frequently ask what was for dinner, and if he didn't like it, he wouldn't eat with the boys and me) so I would just make whatever I wanted to eat.

Enter S. My ex had been gone for a little over a year and I was just really getting used to living without another adult in the house. I remember the day - we were settling in to watch TV and I felt uncomfortable so I went and got some chocolate. Even though it made me feel a bit sick and icky to eat the whole thing I did anyway. I never addressed why I felt uncomfortable and instead went into the habit of eating chocolate every single night.

Now, I am a chocoholic. I have had chocolate in my life for as long as I can remember. I tell people that growing up my allowance was 50 cents and I would spend half on a comic book and half on a chocolate bar. As I got older I would buy more and more chocolate, eat it, feel guilty, eat more, feel powerless, eat more and feel hopeless. So the concept of daily chocolate intake was not unheard of to me.

The difference is, in the year I was separated with no significant other, I had no problem staying away from chocolate. I felt good about myself and could easily give it up. Now I have S and although I love him dearly, I eat chocolate every day, and it's difficult for me to get through the evening without M&Ms. Do you know how many calories are in those little bits of chocolate? Good lord I was shocked to discover I was eating an additional 600 calories a day just in chocolate.

This is all leading up to me saying out loud - well, typing for unknown masses to read - that I am going to give up my evening chocolate. I will do what I can to change my eating habits during the rest of the day (just make better choices, really) after I have a handle on the chocolate thing. For now, I'll change nothing else. I weigh about 170 lbs right now (yikes!) and if I'm right, getting rid of the chocolate alone should shed a fair bit of weight. The trick is going to be not replacing the chocolate with some other food. I've also taken to drinking tea most nights since S came into this house, with lots of milk and sugar. So I'll be cutting that out soon, too. But first I must tackle the Demon and it's name is Chocolate.

I'm starting to panic already.

Beautiful day and EMPowerplus

Today was such a beautiful day :) The sun was out and warm on my skin and actual puddles were forming in the edges of the snow.

I went back to work today after being off for a week because my daddy died, and I was surprised at how dry the streets were. I live in northern Alberta, Canada and it's unusual to have dry pavement in February. It is usually still very cold and snowy. So the warm sun, dry dusty - actually dusty! - roads and damp smell of melting snow was a delight to be had. I needed to run some errands after work so I included washing my car first and stayed away from the edges of the road wherever possible so my car could stay shiny and clean for more than a day.

I think (ok, I know) that I bounced Up again. I didn't sleep at all last night. Well, maybe an hour or two - I forced myself to stay in bed and keep my eyes closed - but I was up frequently to pee and felt like I hadn't slept a wink. Then I went to work and was able to go into hyperspeed at some points without feeling tired. I left work feeling very energetic so I washed my car and did errands before coming home and working out on my Bowflex. After a shower I forced myself to sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Otherwise I was sure I'd crash later this evening. I may have had an hour's nap.

The Down was only just on Monday. The boys had it off school (Family Day) and I was still off work. S's SAD lamp came on and simulated sunrise, which just pissed me off. I was fully awake long before I felt like I should be. And I can't convince my brain that the fake sunlight is real, it knows and my body knows that it is fake and still wants the dark morning. So I tried to lay down in the living room listening to the loud hum of computers and my older son getting up to find a dvd. I went to the basement and sat on the Bowflex for about a half an hour to try to get myself less angry. It didn't work. I spent my day seriously irritated, and by the time S got off work I was falling helplessly into the Down. I sat on the couch and stared at the wall for over an hour and a half waiting for bedtime. I knew if I went to bed too early I'd be up waaaaay too early. I was not capable of conversation and resented the entire world for making me have to deal with it.

I thought that was just me grieving my daddy, but in light of today's good mood and lack of sleep, I'm thinking it's more to do with Bipolar. So this proves to me that the EMPowerplus vitamins aren't working as a medication alternative. Keeping in mind I'm supposed to take 15 capsules a day and have been taking 4. They are expensive. I can sympathize with people in the USA for having to pay for medication without coverage. Anyway, I'll up the dose to about 9 a day and see how that goes. I really want to avoid chemical medications, so I should make a better go at this then I have been.

Oh - and I saw actual grass today! Ok, dead, yellow grass, but grass nevertheless! I wonder if Mother Nature is just teasing me, will spring be early or are we in for a major snow dumpage and cold front?

My daddy

My dad had surgery on O8Feb. I don't remember the name of the proceedure but it was to replace the arteries from the aorta all the way down to the femorals. The surgery was a success, for the first time in something like nine years he had good circulation to his hands and feet.

Twenty five years ago he suffered a major heart attack, permanently damaging the back and underside of his heart. During the surgery he appeared to have a heart attack but the anastesiologist thought he got it under control. There is an enzyme called troponin that measures the extent of damage to the heart after a heart attack. The troponin levels peak at some point and an assessment can be made as to the damage from the attack. My dad's troponin levels started to elevate immediately after the surgery indicating a heart attack. It must have been massive as the troponin levels continued to rise until his death on Wed 13Feb.

The doctor said the damage to the heart was so massive that if he actually lived through it he would need a heart transplant. But there was no possible way he would even get on the list as his entire vascular system was clogged or hardened from 50 years of smoking. So my mom decided to pull him off the life support he was on so he could die in peace. His heart beat for two and a half hours after the life support was removed, then he finally stopped breathing and let go.

My two sisters and my mom were with him right up until the end but I couldn't be there. I just didn't want to see him actually die. I had the opportunity to say goodbye before the surgery and after. I had some alone time with him before the life support was pulled and made sure to tell him that the very best of him is in me and will live on. My dad's only surviving relative other than us was his sister. She chose not to be there as well because she and my mom have never gotten along. Even when I did go into my dad's room after the life support was taken away I made a comment to my dad about his sister - that he would see her in eternity at some point. (My dad's sister raised him, she is eight years older and their parents were absent much of the time, so she was also a mother figure to him, they had an incredibly special and tight bond) My mom and sisters made rude comments then about how she won't be going to the same place as daddy, that she will go somewhere awful. They said this with my dad dying in the bed in the same room. Talk about no tact.

I feel very separate from my family at the moment. Daddy's favorite was me and he was mine. No surviving member of the family has called me to see if I'm ok, nobody has included me in any decisions to be made or preparations that need to happen. Nobody has asked me to help with anything.

My mom has threatened suicide as one way of dealing with all of this. Not to me personally, but to my older sister. I suspect that because both my sisters do not live in the same city as my mom and I that I will be the one expected to keep an eye on her. This is a burden I do not want. My mom has tried to kill herself thirteen times that I know of since 2001. I only ask that if she tries again she does it right. No suicidal gestures for attention or half-assed attempts. Enough. I don't have it in me to go through all that again. She was abusive to me when I was growing up. She didn't ever seem to really like me or love me no matter how much I tried to be lovable. No matter what I did it wasn't ever right or enough. I'm done. I don't do it anymore. And I don't want the responsibility of keeping her alive. Let it rest with my sisters.

Rest in peace daddy, I love you forever.

I am so glad this day is almost over...

...last night in order to be ready for work I started my car at 10:30pm. My car wouldn't start so I plugged it in, luckily it started in the morning. When I got out to my car I realized the reason it wouldn't start was because S didn't completely turn it off when he moved it to shovel the driveway.

So, I drove to work in the horrible wind and new dumpage of snow (it was -40 C with the wind chill) very carefully. I turned into the road I usually take around the corner from work and promptly got stuck. It took a half an hour of holding on my cell to get a representative from AMA to tell me it would be two or three hours to get a winch truck. I asked if I can leave my car and return to it when the AMA truck appears, they said yes and they'd call me on my cell when the truck is there. So I called S and asked him to pick me up, drive me to work, wait for me, drive me to my car and make sure I parked it ok at work. Amazingly, he said no problem. I hung up and burst into tears. Cried big heaving sobs for a while and calmed down by the time S arrived. I went to work and did as much as possible while waiting for the phone to ring. As soon as it did I told the driver I would be there in five minutes as I'm at work just around the corner. He said he may not be able to wait. I told him just five minutes - literally - and was there is four minutes. By then the driver had left. I knew there was an AMA outlet near work and asked S to drive me there to see about getting a truck from there, after turning three corners I saw the flashing orange lights of an AMA truck and we went towards them. I hopped out of the car to find out they were servicing another car, not mine. I asked the driver when my truck would be there, it turns out he had the order wrong and as soon as he finished with that car he went to my car. He pulled me out successfully.....as S stayed in his car to make sure everything went ok. Then S got stuck. The driver refused to help S as he was at least four hours backed up in calls. So I got back to work all right and found out later that a passing truck helped S out of the snowmound using a tow rope. S also made it to work ok.

That was about the absolute limit of my capabilities in dealing with stress. I had been holding it together for the last few days and that was it. I don't cry. I'm not a crier. And there I was sitting in my car bawling first thing in the morning.

Now, what precipitated this was last Wednesday my younger son had stomachache and stayed home from school. When I got off work I asked him how he felt and he said ok, but the pain moved to the lower right part of the abdomen. Well now I suspected that was appendicitis. Off to the emergency room we went and sat for hours to find out that I was right, it was appendicitis. And just to complicate things, the emergency room we went to no longer handles pediatric surgery so we had to drive to a different hospital and go through the whole thing again. By 1:30 am we were shown to a room where we spent the night awaiting surgery first thing in the morning.

We were told about three times between 6:30 am and 10:45 am that he would be going to surgery "within the hour". He finally went at 11 am. He was back to his room by 1 pm and looking good. He was eating solid food, peeing, drinking and passing gas all by 7 pm. The next morning the surgeon came by and said he could leave Saturday. My son was going bonkers from no rest in the hospital and boredom (although the tv was free, normally you pay but not in pediatrics) so when the surgeon came back in mid afternoon I asked if he could go home early. The surgeon was reluctant, but let him go. My son had his clothes on and was leaving the ward before I had the papers signed. Since then he's done very well and is healing quickly.

So the Saturday I left my younger son with S while I took my older son to his Robotics competition. They made robots out of Lego and had to perform tasks with it, the finalist was to go to Atlanta, Georgia for the World's. His team didn't win the big prize but they were pleased with their results. That took all stinking day. No rest for me.

On top of all of this is my dad. He is having surgery on 08Feb to replace his femoral arteries as they are blocked (his carotids are blocked as well - completely - and his body built 'collaterals' to keep the blood flowing). He has a 50% chance of dying on the table during the surgery, but if he doesn't have it he will lose his feet.

My older sister is stressing that he could die and that I need to tell him I love him and all that. I see her reasoning, but I'm not going to think that way. If he dies I will deal with it, but I would rather focus on him living. So, lots of stress there.

After work my car decided not to start again. I started it three hours earlier and it was ok, but now it wouldn't start. A boost didn't help at all so I got an extention cord and plugged it in for almost an hour. I managed to get the car started (barely) and I think I may have almost flooded the engine, but I got home.

Now I've had a hot shower and changed into clean, warm clothes. I feel better, and I hope tomorrow is a lot better.

Fat and Cheek Hugs

It's a new year and I've been using my new Bowflex for almost two weeks. I weighed myself to find ------------- I'm bigger than I ever have been! I weigh 169 lbs and I'm only 4'11"!!!! What the Hell is going on there!?!? This explains why the band of my bra has been digging in, why my jeans feel too tight, why my undies feel like they are strangling me. The only time I have been fatter than this is when I gave birth to my oldest son, I was 174 lbs. Fattest non-pregnant weight besides today was 164 lbs and it was seven months after my first pregnancy.

Ok, I've been bored and eating a lot of junk. Bored and uncomfortable. I was fully rested after four days away from work and didn't feel like I needed any more time off. Now I have another week to go before work starts up again. Part of the reason for boredom, I think, is that I like to feel useful or important and right now I feel a bit useless and cast adrift. I don't really have any hobbies, except reading and tv, and don't know what I'd like to learn. I don't have a lot of disposable income to just buy something to try either. I think if I had a plan I'd've felt better. During my week off in the summer I painted the boys' bedrooms to keep busy and it worked, I felt rested but active. I would paint now but I live in northern Alberta and it's too cold outside for paint to properly stick to inside walls in the winter. Or at least, that's why my mom didn't ever paint in the winter.

There was a comment on my blog about painting for boredom relief and when I went to her blog she said she's a photography buff. I like taking pictures, maybe I should just grab my digital camera and go for a walk while the weather's not bad (It can get to -35 C here and I don't know if it would be good to freeze the camera by taking it outside). Hmmmmmmm. Definately worth a try.

Anyway, I digress. Or, I avoid talking about why I'm increasing my size. Whichever.

When I met S a year and a half ago I was only 132 lbs, so I've put on 37 freaking pounds in that time. Part of it is because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my ex so I worry all the time about stuff. Part of it is because I don't really know who I am enough to be someone different than S's girlfriend when he's around. Part of it is because I have this twisted idea that I have to be who S wants me to be, not who I actually am (that comes from having a mom with Borderline Personality Disorder - I always had to be who she needed me to be. I don't remember having an identity until my marriage broke up three years ago. I was always the person someone else needed me to be. I grew up with only private interests, never pursued them for fear of ridicule and being someone other than the image the person needed to see. If I had interests then I would start to become my own person and that was too scary). Part of it is also really bad eating habits. Before S moved in I was eating when I was hungry - frequently having dinner at 4:30 pm when the boys and I were hungry. Now I wait until 6:30 pm for S to get home, in the meantime I starve myself to make sure I'm hungry for dinner, then gorge myself and go to bed shortly after.

So, the biggest changes I'm going to make are no longer waiting for S to be home on weekdays to eat dinner. That way I'm eating when I'm hungry so I don't overdo it (remember, my day starts at 5 am at work, so dinner at 4:30 pm isn't too odd). And I will cultivate a new interest or two. I do like photography and I have a camera, no excuses there. I have already taken up yoga again (I loved it for a while but gave it up when my marriage dissolved) and I've been playing with watercolor pencils in an effort to renew my interest in drawing and art. So wish me luck! Only good luck please :)

On another note, my youngest gave me a hug today and did something he hasn't done for such a long time. He gave me a cheek hug :) This is where he's hugging me and presses his cheek against mine and holds it there for a while, moving a bit to find the right spot on my cheek with his cheek. I'd forgotten about these hugs as he hasn't given me one for such a long time. Nothing like a cheek hug to make my day :)

The Gathering and New Year's

Be still my beating heart - Christmas with my family went reasonably smoothly :)

I was tense walking into it, but reminded myself that I'm an adult and can leave when it suits me to do so. My boys and S were ok with not going at all, so I knew that the evening would be my call about staying or not. The other thing I remembered was that these people were used to me being the me that I always was and they won't accept a different me right away.

My younger sister didn't make it, she went home with sinusitis and bronchitis so as not to infect my dad. Apparently, my dad told her to go home if she's contagious because his health simply can't be compromised. I honestly can't see my dad saying that to her at all. But if I need others to accept that I am different, then I must accept that others are different. I did watch my mom and dad, my mom seems to be doing better with mental stability, but she has a project now - my dad.

My dad is a man who always denied he was sick in any way, didn't take sick days from work or allow himself to be whiny about any sickness. I have modeled myself after him, I don't take sick days from work and am rarely ill. I have one major flu/cold about every five years and a stomach flu about once a decade. If I am cut I heal fast but bruises take an eternity to leave.

My dad is much more outspoken about what he wants, he was the one to say to the group that it's time he went home as he's tired. I don't think he'd ever done that before, always relied on my mom to be the one to decide when the Gathering is done. My mom was just as she used to be - picking fights with my Aunt. Luckily, my Aunt didn't rise to the bait, she would just be firm and end the line of argument early rather than carry it on. I didn't speak much to my older sister during the Gathering. I didn't really have much to say and we are so very different.

I also didn't rise to the bait when it was thrown at me by my mom (eg - my sister asked my mom if my boys opened their gifts, my mom said "I don't know, they didn't say thank you or anything" in her dramatic 'poor me' voice. I put my head down and pretended not to hear, when in previous years I would have tried not to roll my eyes as I tell my boys to say thank you. When I didn't make any response to my mom's comment, I saw my mom look at my sister, who then told my boys she didn't hear a 'thank you'. My older son just looked at her and with absolute certainty said "I already said thank you" and my younger son didn't acknowledge that she even spoke). As much as I believe in thanking people and raising good, courteous children, they are 13 and 11 and long past the age where I control what they say. I could have nudged my youngest and demanded a thank you but it's not his way. He will thank those who he feels deserve it (something like they have to treat him well whenever they see him, not just give a gift because the occasion demands it and expect gratitude), he has flattered several waitresses by saying they have nice hair or a nice voice, he's expressed thanks at cashiers for getting a bag for him. I know he's capable of gratitude, but he seems to have an internal gauge for when it's best expressed.

I did see my older sister before she flew back home. I wasn't planning on it as I've felt overwhelmed and she is a bit....selfish? Demanding? Self-centered? Unkind? Anyway, I didn't want the drain on my energy this year but gave in anyway and saw her the other day. That went well too! Again, I was surprised. She did as she does and picked a topic like my abrasiveness and went on about it far longer than necessary. She told me she's learning how to accept that her feelings are her own and others are not responsible for making her feel a certain way (she used to think if she feels bad, it's up to you to make her feel better. I gave that up years ago). So I told her I was learning to be less abrasive. That stopped her for a while.

For New Year's I spent it with my three guys. I didn't like it as much as it's a marker for how few friends I have. New Year's snuck up on me and I made no plans, nor was I invited anywhere. I would love to dress up in a fancy dress and do something, but I never have. Partly because I've never been invited to, and partly because I don't know of any events where I could dress like that. My ex would not have liked to go to something like that (well, I wouldn't have liked to spend the time with him, maybe if there were other couples. But we had no couple friends) and I think S would if I asked. So maybe next year we'll go to a dinner theater or something. This year the boys played World of Warcraft until after midnight and S and I sat and talked. Not bad, but we do that every night and I'd like New Year's to be a bit more special.

Book Review - In Her Absence by Antonio Munoz Molina

When I picked up this book on the Holds shelf at my branch of the library I almost missed it. I had to indulge in a minor expedition of the row to find the little slip of paper that bears the last four digits of my card mumber and the last four letters of my name peeking out from the pages of the book. I was surprised at how slim the book was, and by how little the book was. It's smaller than a hardcover but larger than a paperback. With only 134 little pages of big print I figured it would take me no time at all to finish it, but I found myself stopping to let the imagery sink in and take hold before moving to the next bit of information that the author doled out.

The book describes the unravelling of a marriage, through the man's eyes. How he does everything to please her, tries to understand her world and downplays his own listless world so as not to bore her. How, even though they are so different, they marry with her never really loving him in the same manner he loves her. How it is possible to live with someone who is a stranger in the details.

I enjoyed this book very much. The author was able to call up imagery in his words so my attention was never diverted. So the constant noise in my head was kept at bay as each word was read.