Sunday, October 28, 2007

Finally - a psychiatrist!

Finally - a psychiatrist's appointment! When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder the psychiatrist made it clear that it was a one time only appointment and I would have to go back to my doctor for a different referral. I was on an Up at the time and didn't care, thought the meds would take care of everything. Well, now I find the lithium isn't working and I don't know what to try next. I don't like the idea of hopping from pill to pill but I have to find something that actually works.

I've been keeping a mood chart with S so I will have it all charted and printed out for when I go to the psychiartrist. It will be interesting to see my moods on a chart, to see if they are the same was what I see in my head.

Maybe this psychiatrist will monitor me a bit more closely and keep track of when it's time to have bloodwork done. Right now I'm the one who has to ask for it.

The Bipolar Information Sessions aren't as interesting. The one on medication was extremely informative, but other than that I haven't really gotten that much from it. I don't feel like I belong there either. These people talk about missing work or going on disability because of Bipolar Disorder. I just can't imagine that. I have always been able to manage it well enough that I don't need to disrupt the outside world much. Maybe my BD is not as bad? Maybe I'm better at handling it? Maybe the rapid-cycling makes it easier to deal with?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Book Review - On Chesil Beach by Ian MacEwan

I read this tiny little book very quickly and found it quite frustrating. It's well enough written and all, the book is about a newlywed couple on their wedding night at Chesil Beach. The frustrating part is that neither character in the book was really communicating with the other, so assumptions were made and reacted upon. In real life I have a man that I communicate with so we know where the other is standing at all times. How annoying to read about a couple that doesn't talk about the things that matter.

It did surprise me to realize that there are still people out there that don't talk about big issues or little annoyances. That used to be me in my 'practice marriage' and now I don't see the point in wasting time by guessing how someone feels, now I just ask.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Book review - Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself

I finished the book Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself by Alan Alda and was very happy with it. All I knew about Alan Alda's life is that he was on M*A*S*H for so long. I had no idea he did a scientific show or was a guest speaker at many events. The book focused on his speeches that he gave and why he gave them and how he came to say what he said. It was a facintating look into the life of Alan Alda, or at least, a peek into one corner of his world. The book told me a lot about him and how he thought, which is something I find interesting.

One major item that I held from the book had nothing to do with speeches or public speaking. It was that the Equal Rights Amendment was never ratified in the United States. This means that women are not equal to men there. Women can vote...but that can be taken away at any time. Women have the same health care...for now. Why did the country allow for this? Why don't they think of their citizens as equals? I'm from Canada and we are all equal here. It is absolutely inconceivable to me that I would be thought of as less of a person simply because I am a woman. In my mind, the US should correct this mistake immediately. We are all equal to one another, we are all human.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Bipolar Support Group - first meeting

I went to my first of ten Bipolar Support Group meetings last night. The information was ok, nothing I didn't already know, but maybe the rest will have something new for me. What disappointed me was the idea that yet again, I am invisible in groups. Every group I've ever attended I've been invisible. No one hears me talk or sees my hand raised. It must be something I'm doing but I don't know how to fix it. What I've done in the past is to be a bit more forceful with each session until people stop ignoring me. Unfortunately this comes across as bitchy sometimes and I don't end up with any friendships at all. So next meeting I'll sit more in the middle and be a bit louder or catch a pause when someone is talking so I don't appear to talk over others.

What upset me as well was the fact that S was able to easily say what he wanted to say. People stopped and turned to him and listened. At the end of it as we were preparing to leave, I took a moment to use the washroom. When I came back, S had people around him asking for his insight into Bipolar Disorder. For the record, he doesn't have BD. So not only do people seem to not see me, they see S clearly. I know I should feel happy for him, but I don't. I'm envious.

Every group I've ever been to I've wished for some connection with the people there. Maybe even make a friend or have someone interested in me or my life. I've wished that I could feel like I belonged or was a part of something. Every time, every single time, I have had my hopes crushed. So this time I thought I was going into this meeting with the idea that I'm only there for information. And it wasn't until people talked over me and looked away when I tried to give input, that I realized that I was still looking to fit in. I will do my best to remember in the future not to even bother trying. Since I already know I will fail, based on previous experience, there really isn't any point in thinking someone would actually want to be around me.