Chocolate

So. I've realized one of the reasons I've gained so much weight in the last year and a bit.

When my ex-husband left I lost about 10 pounds without even trying, then took off a bit more and got down to about 130 lbs. I was no longer living with constant worry and aggrivation so I didn't feel the need to eat chocolate so much. I also didn't have to worry about feeding him (he would frequently ask what was for dinner, and if he didn't like it, he wouldn't eat with the boys and me) so I would just make whatever I wanted to eat.

Enter S. My ex had been gone for a little over a year and I was just really getting used to living without another adult in the house. I remember the day - we were settling in to watch TV and I felt uncomfortable so I went and got some chocolate. Even though it made me feel a bit sick and icky to eat the whole thing I did anyway. I never addressed why I felt uncomfortable and instead went into the habit of eating chocolate every single night.

Now, I am a chocoholic. I have had chocolate in my life for as long as I can remember. I tell people that growing up my allowance was 50 cents and I would spend half on a comic book and half on a chocolate bar. As I got older I would buy more and more chocolate, eat it, feel guilty, eat more, feel powerless, eat more and feel hopeless. So the concept of daily chocolate intake was not unheard of to me.

The difference is, in the year I was separated with no significant other, I had no problem staying away from chocolate. I felt good about myself and could easily give it up. Now I have S and although I love him dearly, I eat chocolate every day, and it's difficult for me to get through the evening without M&Ms. Do you know how many calories are in those little bits of chocolate? Good lord I was shocked to discover I was eating an additional 600 calories a day just in chocolate.

This is all leading up to me saying out loud - well, typing for unknown masses to read - that I am going to give up my evening chocolate. I will do what I can to change my eating habits during the rest of the day (just make better choices, really) after I have a handle on the chocolate thing. For now, I'll change nothing else. I weigh about 170 lbs right now (yikes!) and if I'm right, getting rid of the chocolate alone should shed a fair bit of weight. The trick is going to be not replacing the chocolate with some other food. I've also taken to drinking tea most nights since S came into this house, with lots of milk and sugar. So I'll be cutting that out soon, too. But first I must tackle the Demon and it's name is Chocolate.

I'm starting to panic already.