Depending on where I am in my cycle of Ups and Downs, my thinking changes. My boyfriend has been collecting photos of tall, thin women for drawing examples. On an Up I can see why he would do that and I don't take much offence at it. On a Down I was devastated that he would amass a collection of women so far from what I look like. I ended up getting very angry about it and ripping him apart. After I'd calmed down I realized I blew the whole thing out of proportion and forever altered our relationship.
I see pornography the same way, on an Up it's ok, even fun. On a Down I am envious and jealous and think all my boyfriend wants to see is other women. Same with kids, on an Up I think other people's kids are cute and loveable. I can look at them and admire them. On a Down I want them nowhere around me and become that horrible middle-aged mean woman who hates kids. They irritate me and I want to banish them from my existence. Except for my kids, I feel the same way about them no matter where in the cycle I am.
So why would my brain chemistry be so changed depending on where I am in my cycle? Has any research been done about how brain chemistry effects thinking and reasoning? Do any other people with Bipolar Disorder see such a marked difference in attitude and opinion based on how far Up or Down they are?
I realize how difficult it must be for those around me. It's hard to have friends when I go from feeling ok with something to vehemently against it the next day. And for my family, how nerve-wracking it must be to try to predict the mood I'm in and either bring up or hide specific topics.
I know all of this is indications of needing medication. But I don't want to give up the sharpness of my mind just yet. I tried lithium and it made me feel dull and emotionless. I tried the EMPowerplus but felt horribly nauseous. For now I will keep an eye on myself and be aware that I feel differently depending on my chemical levels in my brain. One thing for sure, it is an excellent indication of where I am in my cycle so I can see the big Up or Down coming.
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I have borderline personality disorder, which is similar to bipolar, and my husband is bipolar. I notice that our thinking changes based on our moods. It goes along with the pornography aspect of what you were saying... our views on sex is the most noticeable thing that changes based on our ups and downs. If we're in an up, we view sex as a fun thing. If we're in a down, we are both disgusted with the idea. It's a similar effect with other things but sex is the best example. You're not alone.
Most of you know me as “Dreamwriter.” I recently
Launched a new blog called, “Bipolar Speaks.” One day something came over me as I was reading websites called “Post Secret” and also a blog who had a post where they had quotes from other Bloggers with mental illness about how they felt.
It occurred to me that WE need an escape to let out our feelings and frustrations. I know that a lot of bloggers say what they feel within their own blogs, but you are welcome to share your thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
You are welcome to help raise awareness and put a stop to the Stigma that lies within mental illness. We can change the world - one story at a time.
I thought it would be interesting
To design a “Safe Haven” for those who battle with a Mental Illness; and allow them to come and let out their most darkest, painful, and emotional feelings. This would be a great way to spread awareness by letting society know what is REAL about mental illness.
If you are interested, you can submit a story or short piece as an “Anonymous” contributor, or if you don‘t care about what others think, then feel free to reveal your blogger identity; its purely up to you.. I tried this several times and the “Anonymous” button works and ends up in my email as an “Anonymous” comment.
The rules and regulations are in the blog within a post. Take the time to read them thoroughly and I hope that you become a constant contributor.
Remember, we all have things on our chest to let out and we all truly don’t want others to know. But now is an opportunity for YOU to speak up, speak out, and be heard!
I know that I have a lot of feelings and issues that I don’t want my husband, friends, or family to know about…this is my chance to get it off my chest and I WILL be a constant contributor.
Depending on the issue, I might submit the story under both “anonymous” and my name.
Go to “Bipolar Speaks” and look around, don’t forget to display the Bipolar Speaks button on your blog and link it back to us.
By the way, I still have my other blog, so don’t forget about me over there, too. :)
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Robin, This is my first time on your site. I relate to your changes in ups and downs. I am in my late 50's but when I was in my 30's I thought these changes were just "me"and I tried so hard to change them, to control them and as time went on I needed more help. Therapy helped but after a while I needed meds. I have to say that now I feel free of those images of myself as bad, or crazy etc. Yes, I am on medication but I feel more normal than at any point in my life. Meds are not all bad. Having a good pdoc is very important. Hang in there. Feel free to come to my blog for support. Annie
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