Christmas is Coming

Christmas is coming. You'd think this would be a joyous time of year, full of warmth, understanding, tenderness and overall good will. That's what I've been wanting all my life. Instead I was put in a family of very strong willed, opinionated women. Oh yeah, that includes me. This year I decided to avoid all stress and keep the f**k out of all planning. You see, in my family, we don't plan events as much as we tell everyone else what we want and then fight to get it. Nobody listens to what another wants unless it is close enough to her own wants. And very few of us cede any territory to make it easier. That was me, cedeing whatever territory it took to stop the fighting. So this year I realized it was just too much stress and removed myself.

Fast forward a bit to the last time we were together (minus my two sisters), my son's birthday party. The conversation turned to Christmas and I was able to pretty much stay out of it. Dinner ordered in? Sure, great. Dinner at a buffet-style restaurant? Sure whatever. No dinner? I'm ok with that. And then games came up. Oh how I love board games! But I like to read and understand the rules first before changing them. I don't think that's unreasonable, just different. So we started arguing over which games to play and who would read the rules and whatever. I suggested that each family brings one game and we all make a good attempt at playing it. The idea was received well. Until my sister was informed.

My sister called me and I thought it would be a good idea to just let her know what was said and talked about. Aside from the fact that she interrupted me during every sentance I said, she also attacked me, saying "we ALL get control freaky under stress" and "YOU are rigid in not allowing the rules of games to be changed". She also brought up old crap from last year that I had thought was dealt with. And I learned that it is extremely difficult to throw away thirty seven years of conditioning and take on new attitudes. Instead of holding my ground I took the bait and ate it vigorously. By the time I saw that I was arguing with her about things I really don't want to care about, she had me right where she wanted me. Angry, upset, rigid, unbending, demanding. Oh man was I mad at myself for falling into old habits.

So I have re-affirmed to myself that whenever Christmas plans come up in emails or conversations, I'll remember to give no preference. Bottom line here is I don't even want to be with my family for Christmas. I'd much rather pretend I live in Australia and didn't come back for a visit. But I will give it a chance. Maybe it will go ok.

Some additional background: my sister that phoned me has breast cancer that's moved to her bones. So the underlying current with her is to be kind and gentle as she will die soon (She's in her late 30's). Can't piss her off or be mean to her, oh no, that's not acceptable. Because she's dying I have to pretend to like her even though the person she's always been is abrasive, self-centered, aloof, unforgiving, mean, grouchy, self-righteous and unkind. The narcotics she's taking to ease the pain have made her babbly and happier, but the underlying bitch is still there. It is very hard to be consistantly kind to someone who is malicious and mean, and knows where all of my weak spots are so she can attack at any time.

My other sister is my younger sister and we haven't spoken since last Christmas. This is because I had a huge outburst at the family gathering about how I don't like the way I'm treated by my family. I ended up yelling directly at her in front of her preteen daughter and husband. During the outburst I did apologize, saying I don't know any other way to say all of this so listen to what I'm saying not how I'm saying it. About a month later I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. By this time my younger sister was demanding an apology out of me for puting her daughter through such stress. I chose this to be my sticking point. I said I'd already apologized that night and if that's not good enough for her that's not my problem. So we haven't spoken in a year and people are expecting us to all get together for Christmas.

Oh, and my younger sister does have some kind of mental illness, she believes it to be Ashberger's, but I refuse to believe that until she's actually been diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

And my mom has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Merry Christmas.