Saw a psychiatrist

I finally got in to see a psychiatrist last week and it didn't go very well. She was late, which irritates me to no end but I do understand emergencies come up. Then part of the way into the appointment she started looking for something. I stopped talking mid-sentance, which she didn't notice, then asked her what she'd lost. Her wallet, apparently. She actually left the room to go looking for it. Good heavens. She didn't find it and decided to keep on with the appointment. Oh lucky me.

Then she noticed the name of the psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder and was in awe. He is quite famous to her I suppose. I didn't much like the first psychiatrist just because he announced I have BD and sent prescriptions to my family doctor, who is more of a OB/GYN than anything else. How is my family doctor supposed to manage BD? She put me on lithium but had no follow up at all. I was the one requesting bloodwork and asking about the odd side effects.

Anyway, this new psychiatrist is weaning me off of lithium and wants me on Epival. One of the side effects is....depression. Now why would I want to be depressed all the time? I had enough of that with lithium. She did inform me that an anti-depressant may be what's needed, but I'm thinking we should find a medicine we both find acceptable. Now that I don't have so much lithium clogging up my brain I intend on researching some of the medications to see what's available for rapid-cycling and compare what the side effects are. I mean, Epival can cause hair loss and bedwetting. Why would I willingly take that?

What I really want to do is try to manage the BD on my own, without pills. I have been managing it since I was around 12 and doing a pretty good job of it. I have never been hospitalized for manic and I have never felt or been suicidal at all. I suspect I have a very mild form of BD and I want to really look inside my own head to see how bad it really is. I don't like a stranger - doctor or otherwise - telling me how I am without listening to me try to explain the way it feels. Both psychiatrists appeared to have a list of questions to ask and were unwilling to listen to information other than what they asked for. Frustrating.

The only reason I wanted to see a psychiatrist originally was because I noticed the mood swings get a bit out of hand. I was depressed more and having a difficult time trying to stay on a relatively even keel. Now I think it was probably S moving in and me feeling like I needed to change my routines and rhythms. Also, S found that his depression pills worked like magic and he kept gently letting me know that they worked for him, maybe there is a pill for me.

One of my favorite quotes from Emo Phillips: "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."