Mostly ok....and a bit sad

I seem to be feeling mostly ok. Someone at work even said I was patient. Me. Patient. Then I realized that things really don't get to me any more. I still stress a little bit about things, but never so it overtakes my life. I can easily just acknowledge that something is annoying or a time-waster at work, but then I don't feel in any way uptight about it. I just complete the task and move on.

Having said that...I am sad that I didn't participate in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer. I was unable to raise the required $2000. Ok, I barely tried. I asked family and friends and was turned down each time. People said they had no money as they sucked on cigarettes, or that it's not a worthwhile cause after I finished telling them my sister has stage four cancer. I felt worthless and insignificant so it was very difficult to ask total strangers for donations. I know, that's an excuse, I could have done it anyway. It was just too hard. So I lied to myself about how much I wanted to participate. Then I was taken by surprise at how much I thought about it and missed it from last year.

Maybe it would have been easier if I'd had a group to funraise and walk with, but there wasn't a group for me. As with most other times in my life I wasn't able to find a team for me to join.

I think it's time for me to accept that I will live on the fringes of the world, never really a part of anything and forever watching groups form away from me. Maybe the lithium will make it easier to be likeable, or maybe I'm just not the kind of person people want to include in parties, groups, gatherings or get-togethers.