Bored

I am so bored. Bored bored bored boredboredboredbored. I was so happy yesterday when S came home from work - at last, someone to talk to! But he was tired and the conversation stilted, so bedtime came quick. Now here I am facing hours of awake time left and I have nothing to do. My book isn't very good (Letter From Point Clear by Dennis McFarland) and I just can't seem to get absorbed in it at all. I could play with my watercolor pencils, but I feel like there is no inspriation. No good tv shows on. No good movies coming on. I am restless and bored.

I only have one friend I could call.....but she's at work. I used to have another friend, but something happened that I can't really define and we haven't spoken since summer.

I could use the new Bowflex we bought. But I would just wind up sitting on it staring at the ceiling. I've taken up yoga again, but feel equally unmotivated for it right now.

I'm not sad at all or overly happy. I'm not angry or irritable. Just restless. Like I'm waiting for something so there's no point in starting anything, you know?

The sucky thing is that I have about two more weeks of this. I work in a commercial bakery and we don't work for the week between Christmas and New Year's. Then we have two weeks of Shutdown to contend with. This is a time when major maintenance will be done, extensive cleaning and whatever. I'm due back at work on Fri 11Jan08, but possibly earlier if the freezers run too low of supply of our wonderful cakes. The plant shuts down, but not sales.

Have I gone and made my job the biggest part of my life?!? Eeeeek! I've always frowned upon those people and now I'm uncovering the uncomfortable fact that I am one. Ew. For the last year I've been on lithium and I felt like I was in such a fog that I was unable to even think about what I like and don't like, much less take up a hobby. During this last year I felt like I was disappearing as a person and felt the need to find some way of defining myself other that to say 'medicated'.

I stopped taking the lithium early this month (weaned off of it, not suddenly stopped it) and I feel very much...even. I am still mourning the death of little T but not over-the-edge depressed. I'm still stressed about The Gathering, but it's at a minimum for now. I've decided to go and pretend it's not even my family. That these people don't know me so I can choose what to show them. And if they try to prejudge me or my behaviour, I can decide to accept that or let them know different. Whatever. It will be what it is and I will do my best to go with good intentions.

I have a bottle of Epival on my nightstand waiting to be ingested, one pill at a time. I don't want to take it because right now I feel normal. And I really don't like the possible side effects of bedwetting and hair loss. I have discussed it with S and he is on alert as well to see if my moods take a dangerous swing. I have always readily accepted my moods - dark and light - and now that I have a name for it I can see myself accepting the need for medication if necessary. The only reason I took lithium is because the psychiartist said so and I generally follow medical practitioner's advice. Until recently, that it :) Now I question why is it needed? Why this one? What makes the pdoc think this will work best for me? If the pdoc can't answer these questions except to say "take your meds" then I'm not enthusiastic about taking them. Remember dear readers, I'm not ever suicidal or so manic as to be taken to the hospital. I'm only ever paralytic for an hour, depressed for a day, flying high for a day or two, cycling usually in a week. Except lately I've been steady and deceptively normal. And restless.