Normal

Nothing but normalcy today. I don't feel Up or Down at all, no problems anywhere to report. I like normal, there are no scary thoughts at all.

Family is a bit of an issue, though. So far none of my family has supported me in the Weekend by way of donation. And my younger sister, V, went as far as to remind me that I need to apologize to her for some awful behaviour of mine before anything else can happen. Now first off, I did apologize - she just didn't like it - and secondly, I became acutely aware of the fact that I will never be enough for her. All these years I tried to mirror her in order to get her to like me. I think she's a really neat person and want to be her friend as well as close sister. So I would put aside my own beliefs and mirror hers, put aside my own feelings on something and reflect hers back at her. Now I've decided that I will say how I feel about something and even (yes, seriously) disagree with someone. It just so happens that I need a bit of practice at this having never really done it, but life is a work in progress, right?

The really scary thing is I react to V the same way I react to our mom. To mirror and watch was the only way I felt I could live with my mom and survive. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and wasn't diagnosed until I was already in my 30s. Looking back I see that I could have done many other things to feel safe, but I didn't know that at the time and got stuck in one method. Now I see that I was doing the same thing to V and I wonder if she has the same BPD. Bottom line is I've decided to distance myself from both my mom and V in order to gain a bit of mental strength. This way when I deal with either of them I will be on surer footing and hopefully better able to handle situations without damaging either me or them.