Flying Up, with explanations

My day is going very well indeed :) I don't feel sad or irritable at all. I was able to do all of my errands without feeling rushed or overwhelmed, which is good. Overall I'd say I definately feel Up, already on the path to a peak.

It's interesting that I can feel good without feeling like there is a chemical dump in my brain. I used to always be able to feel the Up coming. Some event would trigger it - something as small as someone making me laugh or smile - and I could suddenly feel the surge of chemicals (seratonin? endorphins?) wash over my brain. Then the Up would begin. From that surge I would have the energy to accomplish anything. I didn't realize it at the time, but the surge also caused a bit of hysteria or edginess. Sometimes the only way to tame the hysteria was to sort/organize anything. This would be when I would start arranging objects in line with the surface they are on, or setting about completing a bunch of menial tasks like appointment-making or light cleaning. Stress in my life would make this hysteria a bit worse, that was when I would get into seriously putting things in order. I would try to organize my children's lives/schedules/behaviours and generally become control-freaky. As you can imagine, young preteen boys did not appreciate my efforts :) Now an Up still happens, but with no edginess and no need to sort/organize everything in sight. Instead I feel a bit distracted or a little too energetic, in which case a little bit of order still helps, but it doesn't feel like an addict feeding a fix. I still feel better putting things into order, I still feel the need for order, but I don't feel like my life depends on it.

So I'm on an Up right now, approaching what I used to know as the peak. I'm able to clearly see how items or events should be arranged for optimum efficiency. If presented with a problem right now, I'd easily be able to see more than one solution for it. I could take on any task and be comfortable with accomplishing it. I can manage raising two boys and making sure my man is receiving enough attention and focus from me. It is not difficult to deal with ex-husband issues or family issues. Everything really does seem to be in perspective right now.

The Downs have a similar chemical dump. Again, some event would usually trigger it - my man stumbling across some emotional baggage, reprimand at work - and it would begin. It would only begin after the Up has finished, or after whatever chemical it is has worn off. Anything can happen in an Up and it won't trigger the Down until the Down is already in the works. When the Down is ready, the chemical dump feels like the slowing down of my brain. Like being flooded with a sedative and a depressant at the same time. My thoughts focus on issues that are hurtful to me and I feel a complete lack of confidence in anything I do. At the peak (valley?) of the Down I am unable to move. I become paralytic so only my eyes can move about. I can think during this, I often tell myself to get up, just move, this is silly - why are you just lying here? So far there are only three things that will get me out of this state: 1. my boys need me for something, 2. someone else wiggles a part of me and that reminds my body how to move, and 3. time. It's almost like my brain is releasing that chemical to stop you from moving in your sleep. Anyway, from that point I usually start to feel better and begin to recover.

That's one thing I don't know if other bipolar people can do: bounce in the Up or Down to keep yourself there. I can definately do this in an Up. Somehow I know how to keep the Up going when it should be wearing off, I can force the chemical to stay in my brain and remain elated. Intellectually I know the Down will be much worse if I do this, but Ups are addictive :) I can stay in a Down as well if I haven't reached bottom. I can force a bottom to come a bit sooner than it normally would, and when I do this the Up comes faster. Probably not good for me, though.