Going Down a bit, and more info on an Up

Today I was grumpy most of the time. I did feel better by the time I got home from work because by then I'd worked all the stress out of my system. I was very stressed out mostly because I didn't want to tell my man - S - about how the Up affected me. I did tell him, but felt horribly vulnerable as a result. Working it out in my mind all day definately made things better.

One horrible thought that slipped into my head was "is there enough in here?". I was looking into my bottle of lithium and thinking it would be good if I swallowed all of them. Would it have been enough to kill me? Maybe. Thing is, I don't have suicidal thoughts at all. Ever. Ok, last one was over a decade ago on an extreme Down. No matter how bad things get I don't ever consider ending my life. And the way I thought that phrase so coldly, I didn't even consider S or my two boys. I know now that I was feeling way too exposed and like I had handed S some major ammuntion to use against me later. Luckily, he's not that kind of guy :) He doesn't store information to hurt people. Horrible thing is that I'm used to people using information against me, so I expected S to do so as well. Anyway, it was a passing thought that I was able to squash quickly. A little scary, though.

I'd say I'm still Up but starting to come down a bit. I'd like to bounce and stay Up for a while longer, but that's probably not a good idea.

What I didn't say yesterday is what I gravitate towards on an Up. I don't shop or spend too much money, I look for sex. The fact that I'm in a good relationship doesn't escape my attention and I won't cheat on S. But. Yes, but. I found myself searching for things on the Internet that would be very inappropriate. Not just pictures but live feed webcams. S did say this would have been cheating, and in my mind I was working around that. Justifying my behaviour by thinking it's not like I'd actually go out and meet anyone, or have two way webcams...but it does involve another person that is not in our relationship. So. My medication will be altered. Sooner rather than later. At least I'm aware of what I'm doing and didn't actually get to doing anything irreversable.