A little bit of history

Since my late teens I have noticed my moods swing with some severity. I noticed the swings had little to do with outside influences and more to do with some kind of cycle. It only occured to me to start tracking the swinging after my sons were born in my mid-twenties. And even then, I could only think of it when I felt relatively normal, once I was too far into the Up or Down I would forget the idea of tracking. I knew that the swinging Up and Down was not normal, but really, the Ups are addictive so I saw no point in correcting that. Then the Downs were too overwhelming so I had no energy or thought process to find a reason or cure.

It was only after my marriage broke up and I started dating that I was able to get a bit of perspective on my moods. I realized that the extreme swings were greatly affecting my new man, and more importantly, my sons. I was able to see for the first time that people were walking on eggshells around me and I didn't like the way that felt. Months later I actually asked for a referral to a psychiatrist to help me understand why I felt like there was a huge chemical imbalance in my brain. I was told I'm rapid cycling bipolar and was given lithium to stabilize my moods. Now I'm experimenting a bit with the dosage so that I don't feel dead inside, but am also not uncontrolable.